I threw a ball for my dog.
May be a little extravagant, but he looks great in a tux.
You Might Also Like
I’m working on my core muscles so I can rise out of a coffin dramatically.
Why would I want guest towels? That’s like an invitation.
Me and my best friend after eating very sour candy
hello yes welcome, would you like something to drink? I have the milk of various nuts? season three of la croix? perhaps the ginger beer I was optimistic about last summer but it turned out to be so incredibly violent? mouth spritz of whipped cream?
Me: I want you to make me a better person
Frankenstein: you barely touch the one you have now
Can’t, I just saw a Facebook post that said one Thanksgiving dish is going away forever and I have to vote so we don’t lose pie.
I stepped away from Twitter for a few days, and now my entire house is decluttered, I’ve written a novel, I learned to speak a new language, and came close to finding out the true meaning of life.
Someone filmed bats upside down and it looks like a goth nightclub
I’m doing zoom therapy at my mom’s house while she’s in the other room so I guess it’s dad’s fault today
WIFE: Oh darn I have a loose thread on my sweater.
ME: (waiting for the right time to tell her I bought a sword) Allow me m’ lady.
I accidently invited new friends to our house and now I have to finish painting the bathroom I started 8 months ago.
Today, my 3 year-old yelled at me because I forgot to close the fridge, then reminded me to turn off the kitchen light.
He just needs to fall asleep during a movie and his transformation into me would be complete.
One interesting thing I learned in my thirties is that you can leave a bar before it closes.
Listening to a global economy futurist. Pretty sure in 20 years Chinese parents will say “Clean your plate, people in the US are starving.”
Just learned that the main guy from the Sopranos was named Tony Soprano what’s next you’re gonna tell me the guy from True Detective is called Tony True Detective c’mon
[answering machine]
“Hi Mom, leave a message”
Artist: I like to sketch women sitting on outdoor furniture.
Her: Draw me like one of your bench girls.
[in hell]
Me: omg is that melted cheese
Satan: no it’s lav-
Me: *already waist deep* ope real hot
just saw Netflix went up to $19.99/month and all I gotta say is for the person who’s been letting me use theirs for the past few years…please stay strong 🙏
Eddie’s only other nemesis is our standard poodle, Charlie. Eddie has hated Charlie since he was a pup who mocked Eddie by being faster than him (see video from 7 yrs ago). Since then, Eddie has chased Charlie relentlessly, although Charlie has no idea he’s being chased.
Cop: I pulled you over because your driving has been erratic
Me: oh, I think the guy in my trunk was trying to communicate with me via Morse code
Cop: what
Me: what
her: [during sex] call me names
me: [panicking] optimus prime
THEM: Hey, I haven’t seen you for a while.
ME: As planned.
[bar]
Me: I’m drunk
Carpenter: i’m hammered
Dry Wall Guy: i’m plastered
Garbage Man: i’m trashed
Beekeeper: i’m buzzed
Accountant: i’m totaled
Quarterback: i’m blitzed
Scuba Diver: i’m tanked
English Professor: i’m lit
Plumber: i’m shitfaced
Hulk: i’m smashed
Youth: i’m wasted
Is it still casual sex if you’re wearing a tuxedo?
My kind of messy bun is cinnamon.
Her: I’m not like other girls
Me, knows no other girls: ah that’s good to hear
