Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[galileo’s wife walks in]
*quickly pointing the telescope from the neighbor’s window to the sky*
i was just studying the… phases of venus.

Who called it Soylent Green and not Humanwich?

Cobra’s try and act tough by wearing a hoodie

Once in a while I post a subtweet. I hope you’re reading this Susan. I want my Gameboy back. Bitch.

My coworker was making a run to the convenience store and asked if anyone wanted anything and I said a Yoo-hoo and now everyone is making fun of me

Today I realised that fire engines don’t carry the water in the fire engine with them. Thought fire hydrants were an American thing. Didn’t realise we had them in the UK. I’m 36 and have two first class degrees

ruining the Olympics for my fiancée by, every time they mention Paris, saying, “that’s where ratatouille lived”

If anyone deserves an Oscar, it’s me for nodding and pretending to understand the directions you’re explaining to me when I know I’m going to use Google Maps regardless

Overhead my kids arguing about what color is the “tastiest” for a banana to be eaten. One said yellow with brown spot and the other said green.

First of all, this just proves that kids can fight about anything and secondly, both of them are wrong… It’s yellow.

Robber: Give me your valuables
Me: *hands him piece of paper*
Robber: What’s this?
Me: My Netflix password.

My co-workers found out when my birthday is so now I need to find a new job

. 🧔🏻/ It’s
<) ) 🎹🎹🎹
/

🧔🏻 9 o’clock
( (> 🎹🎹🎹
/

🧔🏻/ On a Saturday
<) ) 🎹🎹🎹
/

The regular crowd

👴🏻/ 👵🏽/ 👩🏻/ 👨🏽/
<) ) <) ) <) ) <) )
/ / / /

Shuffles in

There should be a morning after pill for Supreme Court decisions.

My new dentist called me back in to make another mold of my teeth. Needless to say he made a terrible 1st impression.

Probably the worst part about being a snail is how you can’t put salt on your French fries.

I want what every guy wants: To be involved in a rooftop chase.

Photoshop is turning 25 years old this week. Actually, it’s 35 but just looks 25.

Have kids they said, they definitely won’t lose your right AirPod in the yard and run it over with the lawn mower they said.

Who puts a banana in their pocket anyway

*mom puts a gummy vitamin in my mouth while I yawn*

Mom, I’m 36. *chews it up, swallows* Adults are supposed to have 2 though.

[at funeral]

My brother was so realistic and sensible. I guess you could say-

*casket is lowered into the ground*

-he was down to earth.

One day you’re young and carefree, the next somebody refers to a movie set in the 80s as a period piece.

When I die, before my will is read, I want my entire Google search history revealed and whoever is left in the room gets it all.

Relationship status update:

It’s been so long I’ve advertised my face as a chair on Facebook marketplace

If you watch Wall-E backwards its about a little robot that would rather live alone forever than deal with fat people.

Doe, a deer, a female deer,
Ray, a guy who owes me money.

Overheard a woman yelling at her husband for paying more attention to Twitter than to her….Or at least that’s what I think she said to me.

the Purge but instead of killing for 24 hours we get to talk to customers the way they talk to us

I have all of the qualities men want in an ex-wife and none of the ones they want in a girlfriend.