I threw a boomerang yesterday and it didn’t come back. How long do you reckon before it’s safe to turn around?
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if i was gandalf, i absolutely wouldn’t make four tiny little shoeless bumpkin boys a core part of my crack team to defeat a goblin mega-hitler, but it worked so fair play to him
a squirrel buries a nut in my backyard. I think im going to dig it up & replace it with a grilled cheese sandwich, blow its freaking mind!
[donut shop]
me: I’ll take a bear claw
*loud roar from the back*
me: never mind, I’ll take a glaze
My dad thought Siri would be more helpful finding a lemon ricotta recipe if he used an Italian accent.
The opposite of formaldehyde is casualdejekyll.
Pizza places should give away free pizza car air-freshners. Within 5seconds of sitting in your car, you WILL crave pizza.
15 hours may seem like a lot of time to spend on a 1st grade space diorama, but you should have seen the look on my son’s face when he saw it for the first time on the drive to school this morning.
{The Mothburbs}
Mom: Oh no!
Dad: What?
Mom: 16 has that glow about her
Dad: Didn’t you have the talk??
Mom: Sure but you remember your first time?
Dad sighs: Wild horses still can’t keep me away from light bulbs
[wife holding box of mac & cheese] the powder packet is missing, weird
[me holding large glass of what looks like orange milk] that is weird
Nurse: “This may hurt.”
Me: “June hasn’t been much fun either.”
My wife tried calling the cable company and they put her on hold for 58 seconds…
58 seconds…
58 whole seconds…
Then she hung up, because she said “it felt like forever.”
…where was that attitude on our wedding night???
I’m like Helen of Troy. Not in the sense of being breathtakingly beautiful, but in the sense of pissing people off and starting wars
Me: “I’m not going to spend any money today.”
Life: “That’ll be $200.”
It’s an unspoken rule on garbage day that pajamaed neighbors pretend not to see each other.
Sometimes I think there is no hope for us 🥴
I once stayed at an Airbnb where the bathroom had a jacuzzi, a heated floor and warmed towels. I prefer hotels now, because I don’t have to be forcibly removed from them.
You have to be careful about sending your spouse things on social media. You send too many things, next thing you know chores are being redistributed because of “all the free time you clearly have”
Me: School tomorrow! Hahahaha!
Child: Work today and for the rest of your life.
Me: Dammit.
*watching videos of people cooking in public bathrooms*
The CDC should absolutely have a prison
Neighbor’s newborn won’t stop crying. Typical Taurus.
I did not take a DNA test…
Turns out I’m am 100% not caring what I am…
A fun game is to put on an orange vest and direct traffic.
I don’t know why we traded horses for cars. Your car won’t stop in front of a river and be like, “no way dumbass, we aren’t going to make that.”
When someone asks for advice about dumping their partner, they don’t mean in the woods.
I know that now.
What? You want to show me pictures of fireworks? That you took all by yourself? Hold on.
*drops acid*
Ok, go.
turns out im not nearly mature enough to hang out with someone named titi
Someone once told me “If you love something, set it free”. I told them not to mind about those noises coming from the basement.
5yo after licking my face: “Sorry. My mouth meant to kiss you but my brain told me to lick you.”
me: [wondering if i she can tell i lied about my job]
the woman cutting my hair: ocean king sounds stressful
me: it can be
Gym instructor: It’s never too late to start working out.
Me: Fantastic! I’ll start tomorrow.