Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

This package of bacon says it’s “naturally hardwood smoked” as if they just happened across a bunch of pigs next to a forest fire.

Mr. Potato Head was an only child in spite of being made by Hasbro.

That’s “Mr. Human Scum” to you, buddy.

“Lady In Red” is my favorite song about a guy that’s trying to get laid even though he can’t remember her goddamn name.

ME (wearing Tommy Hilfiger): ready to go?
GF: not until u put on something less hideous
TOMMY HILFIGER (climbs off me): that was unnecessary

♫ Hey there Delilah, for your word spell Mississippi
“May I have the definition?”
The state siblings can get frisky ♪
and cousins toooo ♫

My three favorite things are eating my wife and not using punctuation

The more I insisted marshmallows were vegetables, the angrier my doctor got.

what if your teeth were naturally flaccid and got hard when you got hungry

I can’t find anything in my job description about being awake

*dies*
*gets to heaven*
*sees furries everywhere*
Me: What the…
Jeebus: Hell hath no furry, man
*laughs, puts on giraffe costume*

Tupperware is filing for bankruptcy. They would have kept a lid on the news but they couldn’t find one.

We have Life cereal. How is it that some marketing hack hasn’t come up with a cereal for Goths, called Death?

Revenge is a dish best served cold. Unless revenge is a meatloaf. That you should heat in the oven for forty-five minutes at 350 degrees.

Today. I. Realized. That. Typing. Like. This. Doesn’t. Make. Your. Point. Stronger. It. Makes. You. Look. Like. Your. Computer. Has. Asthma

When my husband says I don’t get out enough with the kids when they’re off school in the summer, I like to remind him it’s called being a stay-at-home mom and not a leave-the-house mom.

[interviewing for job as assassin]
Me: I only have 1 rule
Interviewer: lemme guess. No women or kids
Me: huh? No, I just won’t work weekends

Am sitting in horrible traffic, but fortunately someone is beeping their horn so we should be on the move soon.

I left her for one minute to use the bathroom. One minute.

Police looking for a man who stabbed six people with knitting needles.

He seems to be following some sort of pattern.

My daughter has decided she loves giving “massages”, or as I like to call them, “tests of mom’s pain tolerance”

Do the makers of Pringles know how big hands are?

– “I love Beyoncé…

– Whatever floats your boat mate.

– No, you’re thinking of ‘buoyancy’.

– …”

Editor: You wrote a play about Victorian England using menstrual blood as ink?

Me: Yes, it’s a period piece.

good prank: sneak into someone’s house every night over a year and replace thier toilet with a slightly larger one until it fills tthe room

[Watching the news]

This is all wrong, villains are supposed to be fictional characters.

📽️movie date🎞️

Someone told me they don’t wear a mask cuz their nose is too big. Give me a break. I wear underwear.

Them: did I tell you about [such & such] ?

Me: Yes

(No they had not)

did it work