I threw a dart at a map to pick a vacation spot and shattered the hell out of my phone screen.
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Phil Collins’ “In The Air Tonight” is the best ever song about a silent but deadly fart.
Not to brag or anything, but I got the high score on my scale today.
Give your kid a bowl of chips, and he’ll eat for a few minutes. Let him dump out a bag of chips in the car, and he’ll eat for a whole week
Me and my best friend after eating very sour candy
Whenever I’m feeling stressed I like to take a deep breath & think about every mistake I have ever made.
Woo! Let’s get this weekend started!
*Starts doing laundry*
Starting tomorrow all opinions of mine directly reflect those of my employers.
Thank God all of Texas can un-pucker again while they sleep.
“want to go grab some dinner?”
*lights cat on fire* sorry I can’t my cats on fire
Lost my pet unicorn.
If you find it, please share your drugs.
This salad tastes like I’ll be eating spaghetti at midnight. 😒
thanks, but I’M TOO FAR AWAY FOR YOU TO BE HOLDING THE DOOR OPEN FOR ME WHY ARE YOU DOING THIS STOP IT
Me: I drink vodka mainly because of my Russian roots
Him: You don’t have Russian roots
Me: *cracks open to reveal a slightly smaller me inside*
white people in horror movies when they find an ancient book with written spells: it’s time to read this out loud. i am not capable of reading this in my head or closing the book. i must shout it from the rooftops with a megaphone
Wish I could cry like movie people with one graceful tear tracking down my face instead of looking like a tomato that fell on the floor.
Daylight saving? I’m ready for daylight spending
[yelling to bartender in crowded nightclub] WHAT KIND OF CAPRI SUN FLAVORS DO YOU HAVE?
Dear commercial,
If my family follows your advice and gives me Fitbit or exercise gear for Mother’s Day, prepare yourself for a lawsuit.
Your Twitter audience
Expectations vs. Reality
I didn’t know about mascara, I thought girls just cried ink like squids.
Finally all the people in the White House are being polite. They are all running around saying “pardon me.”
the only way the climate is going to change is if it first admits it has a problem, there’s really nothing we can do
Looking like shit greatly increases your chances of seeing someone you know at the store by 90%.
help im covered in chameleons & no one believes me
Just found out men don’t need prostate exams till at least 40. I think my doctor has a lot of explaining to do.
Plastic surgeons offer a rhinoplasty menu so you can pick your nose.
Wife [interrogating]: How long have we been married dear?
Me: How dare you try and sneak maths into this.
My computer: hey friend, I’ve only got 55 minutes left on my battery
My computer two minutes later: LMAO!! *dies*
I used to be so confused how people could forget where they parked but now I’m like what store did I just leave?