I threw a dart at a map to pick a vacation spot and shattered the hell out of my phone screen.
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I like the idea in Star Trek that universal audio translators are a thing by the 23rd century. That means around the 22nd century we just get special glasses that show subtitles
6-year-old: Is it cold outside?
Me: Yeah. You should put on a sweater.
6: I should stay home.
[spelling bee]
JUDGE: your word is antonym
ME: synonym
JUDGE: no you have to spell it, not give an example
ME: *lips on mic* i-t
“Which one is you?”
– My favorite response when someone shows me a selfie with other people in it.
Husband: “I’m gonna go back on my keto diet”
Me: “So you want me to throw out these Kit Kats?”
H: “Well, let’s not be hasty now!”
Coworker: Guess what I’m doing this weekend.
Me: No
Sometimes I get bored and try to get random people to read “alpha kenny body” 3 times fast.
[at a dance]
HER: why don’t you take the lead
ME [eating fifth pencil]: way ahead of ya
The person that joins a Zoom meeting where everyone’s video is off and leaves their camera on is the same person that reminded the teacher that she forgot to assign that night’s homework.
Me: Damn i really need to do my essay
Also me:
I’m not saying I’m an idiot…
But if some village comes looking…tell them you never saw me.
I said NO, Steve! It’s a terrible idea. We’ll never get away with it…
At the polling station. Bodes well for Labour – loads of young people here. Or I might possibly be at the wrong primary school.
You ever not fold your laundry for so long by the time you get around to it, none of the baby clothes fit the baby anymore?
When I was a kid, we weren’t allowed to use our phones in school.
Mainly because the cords wouldn’t reach.
When I was 11 I went to the mall and got a mullet. The MALL! A MULLET!
Then the next day I went again & had the back of it permed. PERMED!
Oh and also I got grounded, and my mom cried, and I may have ruined the Christmas card.
But I looked rad AF.
I think the hot dog eating competition should award me extra points for not blinking during the event.
[pregnant with first child]
Wife: our daughter is only going to eat organic, non-gmo, non-processed foods and drink volcanic rock filtered water from the island of Atlantis.
[two years later]
Me: our daughter just licked Cheeto crumbs off the floor.
Wife: she’s fine.
Woman 1: you sure the left half is fine?
Woman 2: I honestly have no preference, really
Woman 1: cool ♥️ I’ll take the right, please
King Solomon: *sweating*
During fireworks is the best time to shoot someone.
ah, yes. the elusive llamarshmallow.
If I tell you I’m running 10 minutes behind, that means 10 minutes later than normal. So, 20 minutes-ish.
Hate it when I go to the store for a loaf of bread and come back home $100 later.
It was the kind of movie that kept you on the edge of your seat, waiting for something interesting to happen.
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My daughter called Neapolitan ice cream “three-way” ice cream & I’m not sure I’ll correct her cuz I’m a horrible person & it makes me laugh.
Life hack: Confuse your doctor by putting on gloves the same time he does
I know House of the Dragon just came out but I’m already imagining what the sequels would look like: Semi-detached Condo of the Dragon, Tiny House of the Dragon, Abandoned Warehouse of the Dragon
Packing in my 20s: Toothbrush and bikini
Packing in my 30s: Those things plus a swim suit cover up, 3 face creams, hair products to cover up postpartum hair loss, spanks, sensible shoes, and denture cream.
Stop asking yourself if something is a good idea and start asking yourself if you can get away with it.