I threw a dart at a map to pick a vacation spot and shattered the hell out of my phone screen.
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If you’re gonna invite me to an early-morning zoom meeting then get ready to watch and hear me eat a biscuit with all the ferocity of a raccoon in a dumpster
7 years ago to this day, I swallowed my gum and broke a mirror, so as you might imagine, this is a pretty big day for me.
fish: Clive, yes, I’m breaking up with you. But, you’ll be ok. There’s plenty of, you know, fish in the sea
listed 911 as my emergency contact because, nice try, i know how emergencies work
Them: Who is your favorite…
Me: My dog
Them: No, I wasn’t finished. I meant, who is your favorite…
Me: My dog
Why didn’t any of Spider-man’s enemies attack him with an enormous broom.
TUPAC IS DEAD
BIGGIE IS DEAD
AND ME ALSO I AM FEELING NOT SO GOOD
if you like christmas so much why don’t you merry it
I hate crumbs, so I eat my snacks in bed on his side.
One Mississippi… two Mississippi… just kidding! One Mississippi is quite enough.
The only thing I care about is credits where it says the dog is playing themself
Your baby might be adorable, but so is my cat and she cleans her own butt.
It’s so reassuring when your nephew asks for your birth year and then replies with woah, did you go to war?
do my glasses go over or under a balaclava i want to rob this bank just right.
welcome to my podcast What Are Birds Thinking About where we speculate wildly about what birds might be thinking about today’s guest is once again not a bird
The term is sous chef not Sioux chef. It’s a role in the kitchen not the leader of a proud indigenous tribe.
[Snow White sees her doctor]
Snow White: How bad is it, Doctor?
Doc: Damn it I told you I’m a mine worker not a doctor. It’s my name, idiot
H: I think we should see other people.
Me: Do I have to? I don’t even really want to see you.
✨ check 🧵 for the bonus panels! ✨
I’m getting $875,000 back on my tax return. I recommend everyone do their own like I do.
I took a “Which Disney princess are you?” quiz and I got Jafar.
ME: *hands my boss my first crime scene photos*
BOSS: *hands them back* do them again without the Snapchat filters
Therapist: So what’s the problem?
Wife: He thinks he’s a flamingo.
Me: That’s it! I’m putting my foot down.
*lowers foot that was raised*
I’m in such a great mood today
Anxiety: I’ll be with you in a minute
i bring a card table with me where I go for thanksgiving in case the host’s furniture is too heavy to flip
“conference” comes from the Latin “con” meaning “together with” and “ference” meaning “the worst people on earth”
I’m surprised so few people ask me why I’m carrying a cudgel around.
If you’re wondering how punctuation can be used to create suspense,