Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Any bird can be a woodpecker if it’s stupid enough

Being a mom means being the first one up in the morning, the last one to bed at night, and the only one drinking during church.

This morning my therapist said more people need to do things without expecting anything in return, so I left without paying her.

when you see my three typing dots linger there for a long time just know I’m fighting an epic battle with autocorrect

This orange juice says shake well before drinking.
*shakes juice and puts back in fridge then opens beer

Destroyed my psychologist on Yelp for calling me passive/aggressive.

A movie where two people finally kiss and all their friends cheer in the background because just behind the kissing people two swans are fighting brutally

The first person to figure out babies instinctively hold their breath under water probably has a lot of explaining to do……

https://video.twimg.com/tweet_video/FpMEFk1XEAAKWgt.mp4

Every jogger is running towards cake or away from kale.

Jesus turned water into wine.
I turn food into fertilizer.
We are not the same.

If your wife uses “I” it means she will be doing something. “We” means you will be.

Instead of “single” as a relationship status, it should read “independently owned and operated”

Keep your friends close and that one chick with a great beachfront condo closer.

Tampon commercials create an unrealistic expectation of how much fun it is to be around menstruating women.

I’m less upset with Lance Armstrong lying about taking performance-enchancing drugs than I am at Oprah for lying about retiring.

If you were a burger, I’d throw you in the trash.

Could reporters stop asking if political leaders “believe” in climate change and start asking if they understand it instead

my dog stole an entire baguette and hid it under her bed so she could eat it in secret and i am only mad bc i did not think of doing that for myself

I firmly believe in homeopathy because they cure everything with alcohol.

I live in fear that my death will somehow be connected to the opening of a pressurized Pillsbury cinnamon roll container.

Kid: Where do babies come from?

Me: I’ll tell you when you’re older.

Kid: Have you seen my harmonica?

Me: So when a man and a woman…

i see a little silhouetto of a bug
IT’S A WASP IT’S A WASP
can we close the damn window

[pretend restaurant]

4-year-old: what do you want ?

me: pizza

4: we don’t have pizza

me: what do you have?

4: nothing

me: I’ll have nothing

4: we don’t have that

me: *throws table* this is bullshit!

Me: I don’t think this is going to work

Wife: I know, I’ve been feeling like that for a long time. We’ll be so much happier with other people

M: I was talking about switching the toilet paper so it rolls under

MARY JANE: daddy, what’s my name from?

ME: it’s from the comic Spider-Man

420BLAZEIT: and mine?

ME: umm [sweating] also Spider-Man

Guac just sounds like someone died before they could say the whole word.

8yo overheard me talking about getting laser eye surgery. She got really upset. I was surprised by her reaction until she said “but what if you accidentally shoot me with laser beams!”

I love lifting but it’s so embarrassing that I’ve become a gym bro like, my parents told me I’m gonna hurt myself lifting and drinking preworkout and I was like “well I’d rather die as a lion than live as a sheep.” Wtf? I need to shut up like who do I think I am

Shhhhh! I can’t hear about how God spoke to you! I’m busy listening to my toaster tell me about his day.

when santa breaks into homes to take food it’s festive but when i do it it’s a crime??