I threw a parking cone at someone. I am the drunkest person in the United states.
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Dear people who combine Christmas and birthday gifts,
WE HATE YOU!
Sincerely,
Everyone born in December.
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: You love me?
Cop:
Me:
Cop:
Me: Is it because I’m driving a lawnmower?
Cop: Yes.
Me: *floors it*
Seems like everybody is wishing to find that special someone in their life, and I’m just over here wishing I could eat without getting fat
[face to face with a serial killer]
Me: So this is how it ends.
SK: Kill you? In this economy? I just needed to borrow a cup of sugar.
If you spin an oriental person around until they get dizzy, do they become disoriented? #LifeQuestions
Me: ‘Tell me another scary story.’
Pharmacist: ‘Sir, for the last time, they aren’t stories.’
Kid: Where do babies come from?
Me: I’ll tell you when you’re older.
Kid: Have you seen my harmonica?
Me: So when a man and a woman…
When you grab your toddlers blanket out of the dryer make sure to check that your panties aren’t stuck to it before your toddler goes into school. I know this now.
DR DOG: *applying a cast to a broken bone* Are you sure you don’t just want me to cut it off?
[loud knocking]
“OPEN UP. IT’S THE POLICE!”
Me: Prove it.
“HOW?”
Me: Sing “Roxanne.”
If you are talking on the phone at the grocery store and it is interesting, then I get to follow you and we will shop together.
If you put healing crystals in a sock and beat someone with it do they cancel each other out?
Keep your friends close and your fat friends closer, because snacks.
Guys, don’t take the first step cause girls hate that easy guy. Also, you must take the first step cause they hate the shy one. Good luck!
Psychic: The one you love is closer than you think.
Narcissist: *looks into mirror* yes
Even in mid-air, when we
can see nothing but the clouds, my kid can still rock the question, ‘are we there yet’
“Don’t worry my love, I’ll breathe for the both of us” I whisper as I drink directly from the wine bottle
Taco Bell doesn’t have a playground because kids that eat Taco Bell can’t climb, or run.
Me: Just reverse it, like a vasectomy.
Surgeon: I’m not putting your wisdom teeth back in.
you should always wash your sheets once a week in case they are really ghosts and need a shower
Fine. I’ll rush you to the hospital, but then we’re doing what I want.
a murder of crows, a pride of lions, a virgin of gamers
Filling a thermos:
weird that the doc wanted a stew sample
MyFitnessPal:
“If every day were like today, in 5 weeks, you’d weigh…”
ONE METRIC TON!!
My wife was going to make pancakes. Then she wasn’t. Then she was. Then wasn’t. Then was. Now it looks like she’s just waffling.
[first date]
Me: so what do you do
Her: I’m a stay at home mom
Me: *leans in close* then what are you doing outside of that house
From a friend in the Nat’l lPark Service. They’ve thought this through.
My kiddo came into my room, kissed my forehead and said “I’m sorry you’re fat.”
How’s your morning?
“I’m going to make a great mother one day” I whisper to myself as I catch my burrito mid-fall and only a single bean spills out
ME: What’s in the bag?
FRIEND: A bicycle helmet for my kid.
ME: When I was a kid, we didn’t wear helmets, and we turned out just fine.
FRIEND: Well, you know-
ME: When I was a kid, we didn’t wear helmets, and we turned out just fine.
FRIEND: …
ME: What’s in the bag?