I threw a parking cone at someone. I am the drunkest person in the United states.
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*watches Planet Of The Apes*
Ugh it’s so unrealistic that dumb creatures would rule the planet*watches the news*
Oh
Where do storm troopers sit when they go to church?
In a pewpewpew
Me (at a tournament): I win!
*throws ball into the crowd*Manager of bowling alley: Okay, that’s not right.
*Tries new coffee with 300% more caffeine*
“It’s okay. Can’t feel a difference.”
[5 minutes later]
*Throws refrigerator out window*
6, pointing at her brother, crying:
He doesn’t want to play Barbies with me!
Me: None of us do.
Me: What are you excited to see at the aquarium?
2: Giraffes!
Me: There’s only water animals there
2: Cows!
Like my therapist always says, “I’m not your therapist, you’re just laying on a couch in Ikea”
If anyone is looking for a nice restaurant that has a great menu and very polite staff, check out the one I went to with my parents and my sister in 2014. Can’t remember what it was called but it had a lovely ambiance and we were all very satisfied with our meals. Recommended 👍
I told my toddler that I loved her and she blew raspberries at me. Not quite the response I’d expected.
Kids will interrupt your really important conversations to ask questions like, “which door do you think the zombies will come through? The front door or the back door?”
God: *creates pinky toe* Whatcha think?
Angel: It’s cute. But what’s it for?
God: *creating furniture* You’ll see…
Just saw a doctor eating an apple. My whole life is a lie.
me: so… you want to come back to my place? *bites bottom lip*
her: don’t bite my lip
people are attacking at me with pitchforks simply because i choose to lay still under piles of hay, straw, and leaves at times.
teacher: can anyone tell me what poor mental health looks like
me *raises hand*
teacher: yes good example
“Yellow leaves are a sign of not enough water.” Oh! Gary watered the plant. “Yellow leaves are also a sign of too much water.” Oh, ffs.
2019 stress ball: ●
2020 stress ball: |
#math
Them: life is so unfair sometimes
Me, thinking of how I’ve never been befriended by a wild animal: yeah it really is
Has anyone actually seen a dog eat homework?
Bears spend a bunch of time getting fat, sleep for a few months and then wake up skinny. Being a human is terrible.
Millennials are “quiet breathing” on company time, often inhaling AND exhaling at the office
H: I’m going to the strip club tonight.
M: okay
H: That’s it, okay?
M: Sure, just remember who prepares your food.
H: What?
M: What?
COP: Can you describe the man who shot you?
ME: He seemed mad
What legos do when we’re not looking.
Every episode of Kitchen Nightmares Gordon Ramsay is like “have a clean restaurant and serve fresh food” and the owners are like “oh shit we never thought of that”
I just yelled “WAKE UP,” to which my 4 year old responded “WHYDONTYOUPUTONALITTLEMAKEUP,” so no one question my parenting ever again.
*leans forward*
*leans back*
*leans forward*
*leans back*
Husband: Can’t find your reading glasses again?
Me: No, I’m doing micro crunches!
me: i wanna see how high this cliff is
Charles Darwin: ok, go ahead
me: ill jump off and you count how long im in the air
Charles Darwin: wait but that could ki-
me: what
Charles Darwin:
me: that could what Charles
AMAZON, 1998: hello we sell books but online
AMAZON, 2023: please return to your Primehouse for your nightly Primemeal, valued Primecitizen