I threw away garbage.
In the garbage can.
The day after garbage day.
My husband is horrified with me.
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MAN: I’ll get pasta & she’ll have the salad
COW: What’s that mean?
MAN: Uh-
COW: I’m fat?
MAN: … You’re a cow?
PIG AT NEXT TABLE: Ooo
Taco Bell: You need to loosen up.
Stools: OK!
Had a date planned for tonight but he got electrocuted at work.
I’m serious
The things men do to avoid hanging out with me is amazing.
Got fired from the zoo for giving all the howler monkeys megaphones.
Seriously, if I were a manager at Burger King, my answer to every complaint would be, “You’re at Burger King.”
Me: No.
My kids: She didn’t say yes so we better ask again.
Sooo many times…..
My doctor said avocados help with depression but so far it’s just sitting there on my counter doing nothing.
I’ve been a single mom for over a year and have not experienced my meet cute for my future husband in the grocery store…wtf
me: i hope i die suddenly and without warning
friend: agreed when i’m old i hope it’s abrupt and not drawn out
me: old?
What idiot called it “CSI: France – Murder in a Bakery” instead of “Baguette and Tag It”
I have a riddle about lice but it’s a real head scratcher
explaining cat scratches is like defending an abusive boyfriend to your parents “he didn’t mean it” “you guys just don’t know him like I do”
[slashing food truck tires]
friend: wtf are you doing?!
[running away with arms filled with tacos] YOU COMIN OR NOT?!
as a teen: secretly drinking in the park with friends.
as an adult: secretly drinking in the park with squirrels.
[red carpet during zombie apocalypse]
“Who are you eating?”
Who wants an omelet?
(3 minutes later)
Who wants scrambled?
[restaurant]
WAITER: And to drink?
ME: I’ll have a coke and a pepsi.
WAITER: Is pep…um…Is cok…ok…Is…I…what..
*waiter spontaneously combusts*
“We’ve been blessed with a second son, another prince”
“I hope he doesn’t grow to resent his older brother, Mufasa, who one day will be king”
“Let’s call him Scar”
Im making a fortune promoting home security systems.All I do is say “Hello”.At 3 in the morning sitting at the end of their bed.
There is a dude in a fedora sitting next to you on the bus. Is he:
A. a ghost hunter
B. a virgin
C. a sword collector
D. all of the above
Oh, lord. I brought my mouth with me to work today and it’s all sass. Prayers, please.
“An eye for an eye?”
– a cannibal at a swap meet
“get your shit together” is my favorite weird expression of something no one would ever do, but everyone totally agrees is great advice.
ME: I’m single and ready to Pringle.
CASHIER: I have never seen somebody buy that many tubes.
*takes my split ends to couples counseling*
“TGIM!” – My liver
My dog turning immediately around at the door when he sees the rain like eight-year-old me when I saw my first outhouse at daycamp. No thank you I’m good.
me: [throwing pebbles in the sea]
fred flintstone: NOOOOOOOO