Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I imagine dinner would almost be cooked by now if I’d remembered to put it in the oven

– a memoir

We don’t have wifi in Tennessee. I just pray my tweets into my phone and let Him (#Christ) do the rest.

ME: I’m ok. I’m ok. It’s just cramp.

GYM INSTRUCTOR: Ok, tie your other lace and lets do this.

If you’re ovulating and have sex standing up…

Is it called a standing ovulation? Asking for a friend

me: see you later alligator

crocodile: [frustrated sigh]

I don’t ask a lot from an elevator, but if you can’t get the buttons right, what else did you screw up?

My dad: don’t tell your mom I got her a camera until Christmas morning

Me: [12:01 am Christmas morning] wake up mom, dad got you a camera

8 [hugging me]: mummy you smell very good

Me [just showered]: aww thanks baby

8: not like before

I suspect the ancient Greeks would be horrified that we refer to ‘laying on a couch all weekend watching a TV series’ as a “marathon”…

[before sex]

me: wait have you been tested
him: yea my cholesterol is a little high

I had a long list of important things that I had to get done today. I lucked out, I can’t find it. Anyone free for lunch?

Mere moments after taking screen time away from my 6yr old as punishment I realized my grave mistake, the person really being punished was me.

Ordered new coats for my kids and for convenience I had them shipped directly to their school’s lost and found section

Told a couple of jokes at a Zoom meeting. Turns out I’m not even remotely funny.

My friend (an X-ray tech) started dating a new guy and frankly I don’t know what she sees in him

Alaska’s Passive Aggressive Map of the USA

ZZ TOP: SHE’S GOT LEGS
ME: *imagining a woman with legs* nice
ZZ TOP: SHE KNOWS HOW TO USE THEM
ME: *imagining a woman walking* NICE

starting a cleaning service for people with ADHD. I won’t be doing any of the actual cleaning, I’ll just be calling you at random times to tell you I’m on my way to your house and I’ll be there in about 45 minutes

The digits of your phone number tell you what you need in that order:

1. Booze
2. Drugs
3. Wealth
4. Popularity
5. Health
6. Jesus
7. We’ve been through this before
8. You know where I’m going with this?
9. Well then, let me remind you.
0. You’re.. An.. Say it with me.. Idiot..

observational humor is about to get weird. like hey guys you know how when you go into my kitchen specifically

If I ever had to fight a bear I hope it’s a gummie bear.

When customers come in 6 hours before closing

[i get back from the supermarket]

wife: did you forget about dre

me: nope

wife: did you remember the alamo

me: yep

wife: did you get the eggs

me: goddammit

Me: *turns on game
Wife: *turns on vacuum
Me: *turns volume to max
Wife:
Me:
Wife:
Wife: *runs vacuum slowly in front of television

I know it’s International Women’s Day but I’d like to give a shout out to all the national and local women as well.

My son just threatened to not talk to me for the rest of the day.

I’m 3% offended and 97% hoping he follows through.

Woke up at 6 & went for a jog before hitting the gym for an hour. Now I’m back home, making up a bunch of absolute bullshit about my morning

My kid asked what fornicate meant and I panicked and said it meant to hold political office

Flight attendant: Is there a doctor on this flight?

Dad: *nudging me* that should’ve been you

Me: Not now Dad

Dad: Not asking for a YouTuber to help, are they?

Me: Dad, there’s a medical emergency happening right now

Dad: Go and see if “what up guys” helps