I threw away garbage.
In the garbage can.
The day after garbage day.
My husband is horrified with me.
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me: yo lemme get somma those THYIICC fries
kfc: you mean potato wedges?
me: yes potato wedges please
When in doubt, ask yourself WWBD: What Would Beyoncé Do? Would she apply for a job? Nope. She’d just show up one day like “I work here now.”
I ate the last Hot Pocket and left the empty box in the freezer. I think it’s time my kids learn how that shit feels
Job interviewer: Where do you see yourself in 5 years?
Me: I would say my biggest weakness is listening.
JUDGE: Are you trying to bribe me?
ME: All I’m saying is I could easily cut this burrito in half.
*God provides manna from heaven*
“Is there gluten in this?”
John Lennon got shot and died.
Cam’ron got shot and drove to the hospital in a Lamborghini.
Not even a contest.
Anyone ever notice how the word “opinion” looks like “onion”, and how if you cut into either, people start crying?
you want me to sit in the back seat? the thing that killed JFK?
I get Bi with a little help from my friends.
Yes, Karen, I know that exercise is a great stress reliever. I’ll have you know that I power walked to the freezer aisle in the store to get this ice cream before they closed.
7-year-old: You got a letter!
Me: It’s a bill. I owe money.
7: Not if you throw it away.
She’s my financial planner now.
Holiday tip: remember, you only have a few days left to drop out of people’s lives to avoid buying gifts. You’re welcome.
What if babies cry on airplanes because they are expecting to get eaten. “Here comes the airplane,” indeed
I let 8 stay up late last night which helped when i told him it was time for bed he just said ok and went right to sleep. haha i’m jk he still lost his shit.
I’m almost 45 years old and I’ve never been to an open house before. Can I use their toaster?
“Relax,” Arthur thought to himself, “you’re just being paranoid.”
losing my mind at my mom’s reply to my insta story
If Windows Updates was a person, it would be that one neighbour who won’t stop talking to you at the most inconvenient of times.
[eulogy] “Before we get started I’d like to ask Jenny, Dawn, Rachel, the deceased’s 2 sons and the entire front row to put down your phones”
i trust babies a lot because i can throw them pretty far
going to the gym to throw donuts at all the skinny people
When I was your age we didn’t have edible underwear, we just ate normal underwear
EMINEM: his palms are sweaty, knees weak, arms are heavy
WEB MD: cancer
My husband sending mixed signals like, insisting we reduce our online shopping, but also buying and installing a bigger mailbox that “Holds a lot more.”
My wife screamed “you haven’t listened to a single word I’ve said, have you?!
I was taken aback….what a weird way to start a conversation.
HUSBAND: Do you want to
ME: *interrupts* Nope.
HUSBAND: I didn’t say anything yet.
ME: Sorry, go ahead.
HUSBAND: Would you like to go
ME: *interrupts* Nope.
Sometimes, I feel like everything is garbage & I get overwhelmed but then I imagine how I’d feel if I was a raccoon and suddenly, being surrounded by garbage isn’t so bad. In fact, by raccoon standards, being surrounded by garbage is actually great. Life is about perspective.
People always use chicken nuggets as an example of unhealthy food parents feed their kids like do they even know how many fruit snacks my kid eats? Chicken nuggets are basically a cleanse for him.