Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Facebook post: Sad news. Mom passed away this morning.

Facebook: Be the first person to like this.

My friend is looking for a single, normal, well adjusted man. I told her to avoid twitter.

Damn, I just realized that my employees do their jobs in order to get paid, and not out of any sense of family or loyalty to the company. Has anyone else heard of this phenomenon??

For a brief period, cats delivered mail in Belgium. During the 1970s, the city of Liège “hired” 37 cats to deliver mail in waterproof bags. As expected, the cats weren’t effective mailmen.

Me: *Yanks off tear away pants*

Guy at next urinal: holy shit

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Was dating this chick whose cat used to poop in her tub all the time. I only did it once and she broke up with me. WTF?

All these years you thought your grandma had Alzheimers, and turns out she just didn’t want to talk to you.

Why don’t people ever put the big lights on in horror films?

I’d climb the deepest ocean for you.

How come you only hear about folks being distraught? No one’s ever like, “I’m good, Bro. I’m traught as hell.”

My mom texted to say she found my younger son’s water bottle in her car and I was like, “yeah, he pretty much sheds reusable water bottles, Hot Wheels and raincoats”

At the dr’s office: “So, do you think this is a hemorrhoid?”

My therapist:

The “give me your tired, your poor” quote under the statue of liberty makes sense, because that’s the nyc lifestyle. “you’re already broke and exhausted? great. you’ll love it here.”

Just finished a book about an immortal pet dog. I couldn’t put it down.

Me, waiting for my husband to realize that I was right.

If monogamy is sex with only one person, what is origami?

I’m going to donate these clothes I don’t wear anymore to charity after I drive them around in the trunk of my car for eight months.

I asked the cashier if she could validate my parking. “You park real good,” she said.

DOCTOR: “I’m calling to notify you of your outstanding balance.”

ME: “Thanks! I do yoga.”

DOCTOR:……..

Pretty busy at the gym this morning. I’m 6th in line for a selfie.

Don’t forget to wash your hands and then go back to using the phone you haven’t cleaned since you got it

i find it kind of funny / i find it kind of sad / the dreams i have most often are weird picnics with my Dad

Travis Kelce is living the dream of every unknown comedian rn. Having hordes of people share your old tweets and being like, “this guy is hilarious”

Yall keep making fun of millennials you gonna regret all those karate lessons you bought us

*stands up in the middle of a quiet library*
FAKE NOODLES ARE CALLED IM-PASTAS

my depression: I’m sad

my anxiety: but why now I’m worried

my depression: nothing to worry about I’m sad for no reason

my anxiety: oh cool but honestly I was just gonna worry anyway

The only thing we need to bring back is duels.

“will…”
*Starbucks barista squints at name on cup*
“… the Red Slime Shoddy please stand up?”
*Eminem flips table and storms out*