Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Eh wah eh wah eh wah eh wah joget joget joget joget joget gelek gelek gelek gelek gelek gelek lembek lembek lembek embek lembek lembek

My late grandpa may not have had much as a simple circus clown, but he sure left some big shoes to Phil

my cornflakes bring all the boys to my yard
& theyre like
this cereals hard
damn right
my cereals hard
u should add milk
so its not so sharp

As an incredibly powerful, mostly evil, very attractive supernatural being, I have one weakness:
A female protagonist who has just turned sixteen and thinks there’s nothing special about her at all.

My fridge just screamed “OH JESUS, WHAT NOW?” at me as I opened its door.

Sometimes I look at my children and think “What did I do to deserve this?”

And other times I think “What did I do to deserve this?”

TRAINER: you know what they say
ME: no pain! lo mein!
TRAINER: it’s “no gain”
ME: (eating Chinese food) i like this better

Priest: Do you take this woman to be your wife?
Me: “I do”
Priest: Ok can you say it again without using finger quotes while you do it

Mugger: “Hand over your card and give me your PIN number!”

Me: “My personal identification number number?”

*he stabs me*

The rain is falling sideways here right now and the biting wind is freezing. Margo from catering has been staring through the window for the past hour, absolutely transfixed. I should probably unlock the door and let her in.

#StormAshley

Careful guys it’s raining cats and dogs outside and the ones that aren’t dying on impact are super pissed

Him: Babe, I put the leftovers in a container.

Her: Is that what you’re calling your stomach now?

“Dad, what’s a forklift?”

“Food, usually.”

Wife: You’ll never guess what I got you for your birthday.
Me: A 3-way with your sister?
Wife: *storms out
Me: omg did I ruin the surprise?

8yo: Do we have a fire extinguisher?
Me: Yes.
8yo: Where?
Me:…
8yo: WHERE!
6yo: (from outside) It’s spreading.
Me: I’m up.

Outdoor heaters, because some people like to do their global warming directly.

*adds alone time to my Amazon wishlist*

The worst thing about coming home from a trip isn’t unpacking, it’s the looming threat of nuclear war

💀💀💀💀

My wife and I eloped, but a month later we had a small party to celebrate with family and friends. Somewhere on the invitation we wrote, “bring an appetite,” which my wife’s Uncle Jerry misread as “bring an appetizer.” He showed up at the venue with a crockpot of enchiladas.

My mum tells me that she turns the internet off when she goes to bed, incase you’re wondering why your screen just went blank.

I actually turned on the light so the Roomba could “see” where it was going, so I’m not exactly firing on all cylinders today.

“Anyway it was lovely to meet you!” – Translation: Off you go!

I love making pasta when I have a ton of dirty dishes in the sink. just dump that hot water in there when you’re done, and bam! you’ve got dinner and a set of totally clean dishes!

Big shout out to the three people still trying to do jokes.

Bruce Willis on a jetski, being pursued by a pug on a smaller jetski

I just saw a reel where a momfluencer claims that if you just play with your toddler for 15 minutes a day, they won’t have tantrums, and I’m pretty sure this woman has never met a toddler in her life

I just want to be considered unstable enough to where nobody wants me involved in their pyramid scheme.

this is literally a CIA plant

me during winter: will I ever love again

me the moment the sun comes out: I have fallen in love four times in the same stretch of road