I threw caution to the wind.caution is my little brother.
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I fell asleep at 3:45. My 5yo woke up at 6:30.
Use protection, young people.
Having someone sing you to sleep is so comforting.
Until you realize you live alone.
me: that guy is half drunk
Dracula: I was full. I couldn’t finish drinking him
My daughter just started a question with: So mom, you’ve been old for a really long time…
I don’t know what the rest of the question was, I stopped listening after “long time”
Her: Our youngest is 98 months.
Me: What’s that in human people years?
Every time someone catches me eating cake, I tell them it’s my birthday.
Anyway, Happy 543rd Birthday to me!
[my first day as an art teacher]
“before u start drawing let your eyes linger over the subject”
(it’s a dead bullfrog dressed as a cowboy)
“You can’t put off doing work by just eating snacks all day,” I blatantly lie to my son.
Rejected Pixar Movie Titles:
House Float
Find My Fish Son
Automobile People
A Rat Cooked This
Ugh, We Gotta Find Another Fish
Me: Better late than never!
Wife: …
M: Seeing red?
W: …
M: Go with the flow!
W: …
M: I’ll go buy tampons.
W: NOW, MISTER FUNNY MAN.
The suburbs are powerful. No matter how strong you think you are, by day two you’re eating dinner at 4 and asking what the weather’s looking like tomorrow
I hope the rapture makes the line at the dinner buffet shorter.
At my daughter’s 4-year checkup, the doctor said she should be eating a varied diet and to make sure she’s eating a good amount from each food group and I think she said a bit about trying new foods but not sure cause I got distracted wondering if she’d ever actually met a 4yo.
7 wants to pull all her hair out and plant miniature trees instead
I can never hear what my kids are up to while I’m in the shower so I just yell “HEY cut it out!” every 60 seconds and hope that keeps them in line
Start hating people now, so you don’t have to buy them a Christmas present. Don’t wait until the last minute.
This body wash smells like a smoothie !!!
This body wash does not taste like a smoothie !!!
hitman: [about to jump out of my closet]
me: [walks in wearing nothing but a cowboy hat] alexa play dancing queen
hitman:
2020 is like going to a wedding and finding a cash bar kind of year.
Just went to Cracker Barrel for the first time in my life and my biggest takeaway is that obesity is delicious.
My 3yo asked me for breakfast. I told her to ask her dad. She said her dad couldn’t because he had no shirt. It was fun watching her reaction as she realized I had no pants. My 3yo trying to decide wether no pants, or no shirt should give her breakfast was amazing.
13 year old me: why is my mom texting me?
me now: i’m gonna send my mom a pic of this grass cause it’s super green. I think she’ll like it.
Every library has something in it to offend everyone, and in this library that thing is probably me.
“I think I have Ebola.”
“JUST DO YOUR DAMN HOMEWORK!”
Darth Vader: they blew up the Death Star
Emperor: [laughing] I overinsured it by 8 trillion imperial credits
Satan: *to a huge audience* Welcome to the end of days
One guy who hates calendars: Finally
For pride month you can’t say “let me get this straight…”, you have to say “just so we’re queer…”
Huge thanks to @funTweeters for publishing my tweet! This made my week 🙂
I haven’t talked to my sons for a few days so I changed the Hulu, Netflix and Amazon passwords. I heard from all 3 of them within 20 minutes.
My 4-year-old’s questions while watching me put on makeup for 3 minutes:
-Why is your face melting?
-Why do you make your face look evil?
-Why are you biting your eyeballs with those scissors?