Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

6 month checkup…

Doctor: You don’t look so good. Do you smoke or drink alcohol?
Me: I drink it.

Just saw my kid throw the handsoap away with some left in the bottom because the straw didn’t reach the soap anymore. Um, you add water to that shit and keep going. This ain’t the Ritz.

Lionel Richie: I’m easy like Sunday morning

Sunday morning: wow I’m right here

My wife and I spell out words so our toddler won’t understand what we’re saying, but we both spell like shit so we can’t understand what we’re saying either.

“You’re joking about calling it Good Friday, right? I told you the part about the nails?” -Jesus #GoodFriday

Lifehack: Save your gently used pistachio shells to throw at weddings in lieu of expensive rice!

Enters supermarket with a long list.

Exits with a six pack and rotisserie chicken.

A frittata is just an omelette for people too lazy to flip things.

1) My wife and I are fighting
2) My phone has an annoying ringtone whenever someone RTs me
3) My phone is in the room where she’s sleeping

there is literally nothing you could do at a mcdonalds that would cause a whale to call the cops

Taurus: Resist temptation in all its forms, but especially in the form of a pie sitting under a crate propped up by a stick with a string tied to it.

If you tell someone “nice shirt” and they don’t look down at it you’re talking to a robot.

I don’t get vegetables on my pizza because I don’t like mixing business with pleasure

Oh! He barehanded that ball. Can you believe the athleticism?
– Baseball commentator

Pfft. Amateur.
– Every parent who’s caught their kid’s barf in their hand

Walmart calls them self checkouts, I call them I might not pay for some of this.

First Date:

Him: So, are you a dog person or a cat person?

Me: (already cleaning him with my tongue)

The loudness of the sound made by setting a plate in the sink is directly proportional to the number of sleeping people you are trying not to wake.

It puts the lotion in the basket. Then it calls the wife to make sure it’s the right brand so it doesn’t get the hose again.

Fun Fact: The one thing that married couples always agree on is that most fights are started by their spouse.

How am I supposed to adequately complain about my sunburn with no lobster emoji?

me *opening a box of Mac and Cheese*
wife [sitting in the hot tub] No

I texted my husband “I want pizza but I need to go to the gym” in the hopes that he would try and steer me back on the right path and motivate me to go to the gym. But instead he replied “Same, let’s get pizza” and so yes it is true that marriage makes you fat

Every BBC series about the universe.

Gorilla glue is amazing. I haven’t seen a broken gorilla in years

I got a haircut and grabbed some
shampoo at the checkout line.

Her : “Do you want a bag ?”
Me : “OMG…is the haircut that bad ?”
Her :

I just took an IQ test and apparently I’m a Libra?

I just saw the movie “A star is born” and if you think it’s about the solar system you will probably be as mad as I am rn

There are usually two types of merchants.

Been married a few times. Always the bride, never the bridesmaid