I threw caution to the wind.caution is my little brother.
You Might Also Like
my grandma just asked me if i had a boyfriend and i was like “no” and she was like “well i went to a random funeral because i was bored and that’s how i met your grandfather” ??????
This was a bad idea all around
Mom: What are you hiding in there?
-nuthin
[Vin Diesel noises from closet]
M: Is Vin Diesel in there?
-…yes
Vin Diesel: [from closet] No.
[being murdered]
me: hey are u Scottish
murderer: actually i am
me: then i guess u could say i’m being kilt
[murdering intensifies]
Knights in white satin do not sound like they would be properly protected in a battle scenario. Yes, they would LOOK incredible but sadly they would die
On medical forms I put down Elon Musk as my emergency contact so he can build a space catapult to hurl my body into the sun when I die.
Welcome to your 40’s. You’ll be mad if a neighbor doesn’t mow their lawn.
There’s been a lot of false alarms at the coal mine today. Maybe we should get a canary instead of a possum
I’ve dated a guy who collected stained glass and wore bowling gloves so don’t talk to me about standards.
***BREAKING*** sneaky teens trying to buy booze severely misjudge their height – 300ft trenchcoat behemoth said to contain 57 people
My staunch refusal to procreate has deprived some very competent therapist of a vacation home.
I used to be the coolest kid in the 90s with a Windows 3.1 desktop. Now I have people on the train telling me that my phone’s flashlight is on
Can’t. Growing Yosemite Sam moustache.
I accidentally had two energy drinks today and now my house is decorated for Christmas.
[koolaid man typing into webmd]
My pee is red.
[phone rings]
“We’ve removed your son’s missing picture from our milk cartons.”
“You found him?”
“No, people stopped buying milk.”
Getting to know someone is a lot like making toast; don’t do it in the bathtub.
Applicant: I pride myself on my honesty, integrity, and being a decent human being.
Car sales manager: I’m sorry but you’re over qualified
Me: death by loneliness? Is that even a thing?
Fortune teller, shrugs: look honestly I had never heard of it until you walked in
I saw a sign that said falling rocks so I tried and it doesn’t
Her: *leaving seductively, slowly dragging fingertip across countertop*
Mgr: What’d she want?
Me: nothing.
Mgr: Where’re all the donuts?
Marriage Counsellor: last week I asked you to come up with 3 things you love about each other.
Me: I need an extension.
The only problem with the free bread they serve to your table at restaurants is that they don’t do it everywhere else. I want to be served focaccia while I’m getting my car fixed. I want my doctor to offer me a baguette and olive oil while she’s checking my blood pressure.
It’s a doge eat doge world out there. Such cutthroat. Very survival of the fitter
Day 2 of my diet
ME: I’m so nervous. It’s my first day on the job. I definitely fibbed on my qualifications to get this job. Hope I can figure it out before I mess up.
CO-PILOT: …What?
Age 17: Avoiding squeaky floor boards to sneak out of my parent’s house
Age 37: Avoiding squeaky floor boards to sneak out of my toddler’s room
[doctor’s office]
Nurse: Can you step on the scale?
Me: Of course.
Nurse: (waiting)
Me: You mean now? Oh hell no!
this site is so cooked lol
“What are you going to be when you grow up?”
Tired.
The answer is tired.