I threw my cat a surprise party. Long story short, I need 30 stitches and learned I should never scream ‘SURPRISE’ directly in my cat’s face
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That moment when you mom says she was a virgin, but then 3 random dudes show up on your birthday with gifts.
Saw an Amazon truck drop a kid off at school this morning. Didn’t know that was an option.
Interviewer: What are you passionate about? I want someone who’s full of passion. Passion is so motivational.
Me: I’m passionate about a paycheque, sir.
My villain origin story? When my old apt neighbor (shared bedroom wall) set her alarm clock for the hr after she left for a WEEK LONG VACATION
A little boy at the park ran away from my twins and promptly told his mom, “they scare me cause there’s two of them!!” Same, buddy, same.
Divorce math is ending the year 10lbs heavier but 180lbs lighter
[self-quarantine day 3]
must clean the house and bathe[self-quarantine day 8]
have to get my shit together[self-quarantine day 15]
can’t keep living like this[self-quarantine day 21]
might be losing it[self-quarantine day 34]
taught mr. wiggles to play “careless whisper”
Americans pay for gym memberships and for people to mow their lawns.
Distance doesn’t matter.
You can make someone miserable from anywhere.
A polar bear walks into a bar and says to the bartender “I’ll take a rum ……… and coke..” Bartender says “What’s with the pause?”
Polar bear says… “I was born with them”
*rips finished page from adult coloring book*
*puts it on daughter’s toy kitchen fridge*
Studio Apartment Available:
– Pet-friendly
– Located next to bridge
– No strings attached
Whenever I think of you, I am grateful for the many, many miles between us.
Due to my obvious intelligence and the confusing of me for another boy with the same last name, I was placed in the gifted class.
[two women sunbathing in garden]
“It’s so nice out here”
“Where’s that creepy guy who lives next door?”
HEDGE “He’s away for the weekend”
Me: Whatcha doin’?
5: Whatcha doin’?
Me: Are you copying me?
5: Are you copying me?
Me: I’m adopted
5: I’m adop- WHAT?
Someone: what have you been up to?
Me: thanks, you too.
Asking people “is it a chapter book?” When they tell me what they’re reading
My 1-year-old is learning to give a high-five, but she’s unclear on where her hand should land. She basically just slaps people in the face.
The more you learn about Ebola, the more terrifying it is
BOUNCER: No, you’re not getting in, just go home
ME: *slips him some money*
BOUNCER: What’s this?
ME *whispering so my friends don’t hear* thank you
Cake is better than sex because cavities are better than babies
Friend: What are you going to make for Thanksgiving?
Me: Probably a scene.
when a bird is walking around on its little bird legs. it’s mocking you. it’s saying this is you. this is what you look like.
[1st date]
HER: I love when a guy speaks other languages
ME: <html><body><p>hey</p></body></html>
HER: *closes her browser, metaphorically*
Why does everyone keep telling me to ‘grow a pear’? I don’t even like pears.
I got my paycheck and the envelope was filled with parsley.
Someone garnished my wage.
oh you like road-trips? name every road then
ME: *passing out little top hats* And this one’s for you. And this one’s for you
ZOOKEEPER: Sir, get out of the penguin enclosure
ME: Lol no