Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

someone told me LA is shitty heaven and NY is fun hell and it makes me chuckle every time I think about it

If you can’t remember my name, just say ‘donuts’. I’ll turn around and look.

Before you decide to have kids, you should know that they need to be entertained 27 hours a day.

My math is correct, just ask any parent.

I guess if Porky Pig wants to flash someone, he just takes off his bowtie?

5 missed calls from my mom. Frantically called her back, expecting tragedy; nope, wallets are on sale at Kohl’s.

Choose a job that you love, and your boss will never have to work a day in their life.

my favorite genre of twitter

I’m at an age where I don’t spring into action.
I dead of winter into action.

When there were a lot footprints in the sand, that was a bunch of jesus’s chasing you

*mops up wine with cat*

My kids’ school sends home so much artwork I’ve had to buy 8 refrigerators since September.

Those are not the screams of an animal caught in a bear trap, they’re the bleatings of a dog banished to the back yard and rendering her unable to run assist with the repairman.

Amazon probably spends millions on search engine optimization and ad software yet somehow hasn’t figured out that after buying a vacuum cleaner I’m not immediately going to need another

Second orthodontist consult.
10: I hope I can still eat fried chicken at Popeye’s and drink Dr Pepper and chew taffy.
Ortho:
Me, under my breath: You’ve never even been to Popeye’s. You don’t drink soda!…
10, whispering: Best to take this up with Dad.

There’s no “i” in team. Unless you’re illiterate. Then there’s an “i” in everything. More creim in mi cofii pleis

*Me at a fitness consult

Trainer: you need to cut way back on carbs
Me: what am I supposed to melt my cheese on?
Trainer:
Me : where are you going?

Pretty sure they warned us about this on the Book of Revelations.

Me: *takes her shirt off & sees a padded bra* whoa
Her: I’m so sorry, are you upset?
M: *pulls a salami out of my shorts* let’s call it even

[One hour past bedtime]

[3 year-old yelling from his bed]: PAPA!

Me: YES?

3: [Points to chair] Sit with me.

Me: I would LOVE to but the monster, that eats kids who don’t sleep, hates that chair being warm.

3:

Me [Finger guns] Goodnight kiddo.

Hey! Remember how fat your arms are?

-Summer

Im on my burner commenting “thank you for normalizing nose hair !” on his girlfriends tiktoks

If I could meet any celebrity it might have to be David Schwimmer. In a schwimming pool. Learning how to schwim.

She danced her way into his heart.

-She was doing the robot tho, so she looked like an idiot.

Spider just landed on my shoulder. I didn’t want to kill it so I just fainted instead.

Don’t touch my nutella with your banana.

Just received an email listing 5 ways to prevent divorce. ‘Don’t get married’ wasn’t on there. Or ‘murder.’ Stupid list.

Even before the internet, I always had a little side chat going on in my head.

her: how about we go to this restaurant? I heard it’s earned two Michelin stars
me: [trying to impress] my car has four Michelin tires

the dog is mad at me bc i wouldn’t let him eat sriracha off the ground and my feelings are hurt so no i don’t want children.

WIFE: can you preheat the oven?
ME: you mean heat it
WIFE: not this again
ME: it can’t be heated before it’s heated. don’t give me that look