I threw my cat a surprise party. Long story short, I need 30 stitches and learned I should never scream ‘SURPRISE’ directly in my cat’s face
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Date: What do you do?
Me: I’m a cleptozoologist
Date: That’s interest…wait, what??
Me: *is already stealing lobsters from the tank*
“It’s a dog-eat-dog world.”
– Hannibal Labradoodle
Gonna start feeding my dog condoms, so when she poops they’re already in tiny little bags!
“I have toddler-like reflexes.”
“Don’t you mean cat-like–?”
*laughs, cries, falls on face, eats Cheerio off the floor*
“No.”
The less friends at your birthday party means more cake for you.
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We take our 40% off sale seriously at
You’re like a first job.
No one likes you but at least you’re a learning experience.
it must be school picture day
ME: You’re making me rock hard.
MEDUSA: You like that, Baby?
ME:
PAL: Do you think the Cowboys will beat the Giants?
ME: There is no way
PAL: Why?
ME: Giants are very large and cowboys are just regular sized people
My gangsta career was brought to an abrupt and tragic end when my homies caught me sipping on a frappucino doing my taxes
Just telling everybody I meet that I’m a Viking, nobody checks
Me: I’m proud of you for completing your project and I’m sorry for screaming like a feral raccoon.
10: Don’t worry girlie when I’m a mom I’m gonna do the same thing.
Ooh, sorry, I totally misunderstood what you meant by “Come at me, bro”.
I’ll get you a towel.
Pro tip: being patient will get you out of raking leaves. One of these days will be windy and they will blow into your neighbors yard.
One way to handle social anxiety is to pretend you are a ghost & people are staring at you because they have a gift they never asked for
ME: I’d like to order…the updog.
WAITER: How would u like that prepared?
ME: um medium well?
W: very good
Me: oh god what have I just done
Chris Pratt is my favorite actor whose name sounds like if a rodent fell in the McDonald’s deep fryer
*pets a duck* helo litle friemd u used to b a dinosuar
“What did you make milk out of today?” [Overheard in the library]
Just heard my son say to his friend “you’re probably dumber than your own controller” – what kind of child is my Xbox raising?!
Couple goals
I like to put a banana in a string of hahahahahahahahaha ‘s
No one notices, I dont know why I bother.
hahahabananahahaha
Are they honking at me because I’m cute or because I can’t drive?
I just want to be attractive enough to be considered for a part in an STD medication commercial.
ME: genie, i wish i was dead
GENIE: [makes me dead then brings me back to life] ok u have two wishes left
ME: i dont think u understood
[AGM of potato mashers]
“Tremendous effort this year, guys. Our overall ‘drawer opening smoothly’ prevention rate was 73%. That’s up 11% on last year, thanks to you big stainless steel bastards, but we can’t be complacent while the scourge of people who hang us on hooks remains”
Just right now my only wish is for everyone to go to bed so I can eat my secret second dinner.
In bed a woman called me daddy so I called her son