Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

These quiet electric cars are really annoying… I have to stop scrolling and look up while walking outside now!

Venmo is my favorite social media site. I love to see my boy John charge his wife for martinis

The Olive Garden waiter went for a pack of smokes and never came back, so I really was family

Then: Runs 5 miles every morning before work

Now: Picks up a dryer sheet with my toes so I don’t have to bend over

I’m not good at communicating with others these days. I actually started a conversation the other day with “I like your chicken. It’s very fluffy.”

Bro,I seriously locked myself outta my jeep.

He was driving a top-less jeep with the windows down.

my dad: [rising up from behind couch]

the new ppl that live in that house now: wtf

This tyrannical oppression must end!
-me, complaining about the bra I had to wear today for about two hours total

Attacked by a mop.

Obama sure is waiting until the last minute to take everyone’s guns.

Such a beautiful day I chose to walk instead of the bus. Job interview can start without me.

*goes in for first kiss*
*stops*
Before this goes any further, I need to understand your position on naming our kids after water Pokèmon

18: Who’s saved in your phone as No?

Me: Like 10 different people, let’s just work on minding our own business.

I get it Roomba, I can’t find my way out of the kitchen either.

Me: making cup noodle because it’s ready to eat in 3 minutes

Also me: waiting an hour for it to cool down.

Welcome

To graduate DJ school you have to pass your vinyls.

The difference between pizza and love is that when the pizza ends it doesn’t send you subtweets.

Make bowling your first date. If he rents small shoes and jams his fingers in the wrong holes don’t bother with a second.

GF: “I’m telling you now! Size does not matter, it doesn’t make you any less important.”

BF: “Yeah? Well explain that to Pluto.”

asked my dentist out but she brushed me off, said she only dates plaque guys
Not gonna paste any more time on that cavitease, it’s her floss

Office Quidditch but the golden snitch is the last free donut.

I’m white, but not like “has a golden retriever named Chance” white.

If a woman asks you to buy her a flamethrower ask yourself some questions before you buy it.

I’m still rubbish at Venn diagrams. I really don’t get them. :/

Me: time to sleep
Brain: You have zero skills that would be useful in an apocalypse so when they start to ration food supplies, people will eat you

What I go to Aldi to buy: Bread and milk.

What I actually buy in Aldi:

me: this meeting couldve been an email

me when I get an email: I’m not reading that

“Do you like Tolstoy?”
“Of course. Who doesn’t?”
“What’s your favourite book?”
“The one where Woody is kidnapped & Buzz tries to save him”.

After I dropped my daughter off at college, my youngest son said “We’re finally empty nesters. Let’s start traveling”.