Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

why are poetry books so expensiveee. each page will be like:

i am home.
if you knock

and the book is $49.99

if u propose to your partner at my wedding i am shooting you with a gun

The fact that there ain’t no rest for the wicked is probably why I’m always so tired

Update: going to a party where you don’t know the people is like seeing a movie sequel when you didn’t see the original.

You can still have a good time but you don’t really know what’s going on

Studies show women find food emotionally comforting.

Please send chickpeas.

friend: why do u look sad

me: I have wrongdog

friend: what’s wrongdog

me: *big breath in*

Heard a rival dad in the neighborhood was handing out full size candy bars so now every trick-or-treater that comes to my door is getting an entire rotisserie chicken.

I just want what every middle-aged person wants: to remember what it was that I wanted

911 what’s the emergency

“Please help, I made too much spaghetti”

Relax sir, we’ve all been th—*spaghetti starts coming out of the phone*

If painting yourself into a corner was considered art, I’d be Michelangelo

I dig, you dig, we dig, he dig, she dig, they dig…. Its not a beautiful poem, but its very deep.

Computer: Hey can I restart for updates?
Me: No, I’m busy.
Computer: Hey it’s tomorrow can I restart for updates?
Me: No
(A week of this later)
Computer: Hey can I restart for updates?
Me: FINE JUST RESTART HURRY UP
Computer: Haha jk I haven’t downloaded them yet 😀

Her: I wish you would surprise me sometimes.
Me: *shedding my human skin to reveal I am actually Nergal, Mesopotamian God of death*
Her: No, not like that.

Bring your sick kid to business meetings and watch how fast people get to the point.

Whoever came up with the name “dentures” really missed the opportunity to call them “substitooths”😂😂

Car’s automatic gearbox shit itself and I was staring down the barrel of a £7.5k repair job, gingerly drove the car home to ‘think it over’ and someone drove right up my arse and wrote it off. I couldn’t stop smiling at the side of the road, the guy thought I was a psychopath.

Cookie Monster first year: Cookie Rookie
Cookie Monster skip school: Cookie Hookie
Cookie Monster be sad: Cookie Sookie
Cookie Monster has a poo: Cookie Dookie
Cookie Monster does a sex: Cookie Nookie

ghost of christmas past: do you see how you have mistreated others

me: thats not me

Ghost: what? thats clearly younger you

me: nah thats not me

ghost: are you serious, go stand next to him

I know House of the Dragon just came out but I’m already imagining what the sequels would look like: Semi-detached Condo of the Dragon, Tiny House of the Dragon, Abandoned Warehouse of the Dragon

Me: *drops toddler off at gym daycare*

DC: Which room will you be working out in?

Me: None of them, I just need to take a shower.

I’ve never watched paint dry but I did watch Windows update for 5 years.

Imagine the scariest ride you’ve ever been on ….

Got it?

Then there’s dating me.

stopping the microwave at 0:01 is the closest I’ve come to being in a Michael Bay movie.

The downside of having friends who love sarcasm and irony is that when we make plans I’m never entirely sure we really made plans.

When I’m old enough, my kids better not leave me alone with a box of Crayolas and anything upholstered

Does anyone know any herbal remedies for worthlessness?

My ex said he would die for me. All I’m saying is, it was his suggestion.

Detective: We’re going to need to confiscate your phone and computer, look through your browsing history for anything that might be relevant.

Me: I’d rather just confess.

Detective: To what?

Me: Whatever

Are we there yet?…

My👏spacebar👏is👏broken👏so👏I’m👏using👏the👏clapping👏emoji👏instead👏I’m👏not👏trying👏to👏make👏a👏point