Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Kids will do something that makes you angry and you’ll tell them it makes you angry and they’ll cry and tell you they don’t want you to be angry while continuing to do the thing that makes you angry.

Egregious Outerwear Lies

Trench coat: would get RUINED in a trench
Pea coat: not made of peas
Leather bomber: zero incendiaries
Swing coat: doesn’t dance at all
Parka: can’t even drive

As your sugar daddy I will provide you with a 40% discount on all your future insulin purchases

What started out as me wanting to make homemade spaghetti sauce has turned into a spot-on recreation of one of Dexter’s kill rooms.

i dont like how monkeys have taken ownership of the whole banana thing. i bet i like bananas almost as much as they do

“What a nice doggie.”

“I’ll have you know it’s not a doggie but a pure bred.”

“YOU HAVE A DOG MADE OUT OF BREAD??!!!!”

Next time someone leaves an empty shampoo bottle in the shower, I’m filling it with pancake syrup.

Comedian does amazing perfect crowd work

[Deathbed]
Me: Don’t put me in the wrong burial plot

Son: Dad stop it, I’m never turning this life support off!

Me: because that would be…a grave mistake lol

Son: So is it this switch here or

Found my chapstick in my pants pocket before it went through the washer or the dryer in case anyone is looking for a life coach.

Me: I can’t get this damn sports bra on!

Him:

Me:

Him: that’s a plastic produce bag

Me: I FOUND IT IN THE MELON SECTION!

Shout-out to smartphones for eliminating tedious tasks from our lives like reading books or watching the road when we drive.

product manager: what color should we make the bottle

guy who invented hydrogen peroxide: the brownest brown you can imagine

All food is good if you spell it wrong

My friend keeps saying that every time he goes to Taco Bell he gets diarrhea.

I said, try ordering Tacos instead.

you never know what burdens people are dealing with

Pros and cons of doing something you love:

Pros: It’s something you love

Cons: Doing.

I was 15 minutes into destroying a plate full of ribs before I even noticed my date had left.

“Hand me that pillowcase. Nope, that’s a coverlet. No, that’s a sham. That’s my nightgown. That’s a duvet cover.”

~Excerpt from my book, “Making the Bed with the Mrs.”

If I had a time machine, I’d go back & mess with myself.

I’d delete and retweet frog my tweets monkey with random words giraffe inserted.

ME: sorry for the hold-up

TELLER: but you didn’t make me wait?

ME: *pulling a gun* haha no I’m Canadian

that’s NOT YOUR CALL TO MAKE

The best part of Halloween is all the Jehovah’s Witnesses wondering why they’re being given candy.

Taking a risk in my 20s: Skydiving

Taking a risk in my 30s: Throwing out a box of cords

guy: excuse me, can you jump my car

me: *tying shoes* probably how tall is it

guy: no like-

me: *handing phone* take a video

Years ago I promised a now 44 yr old friend I’d marry her if she was still single at 45 I need someone to step up she’s a mess

everybody has a drawer in their home that contains both garbage and the most important documents a human can have

Clerk: Sir this is an awful lot of cheese for one person.

Me: What?

C: You should be ashamed of yourself, panic buying is not the answer.

M: Panic buying? Um, what are you talking about, 7 blocks of cheese is a normal week for me.

C:

M:

C: Have a nice day

going to bed

4yo: When you’re 9, you can drive
Me: Pretty sure you have to be older
4yo: Some people can drive at 9
Me: A little older
4yo: Ya, it’s 9