Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If you’re ever wondering if you and your spouse are on the same page fold a large blanket together. You’ll have your answer quickly.

Playing car dealership with my son, we rearranged the lot.

I am preparing a divorce case with graphic compromising photos and they are scattered on my living room floor as I mark each one with exhibit stickers. My mom walks in and glances at the floor and says, “Oh! Are you making a scrapbook? I want to help!”

No. No you do not.

me: my pasta salad is cold

waiter: it’s meant to be

me: I think you’re cute too but let’s get this pasta problem figured out first

You are the pebble in my shoe of people.

Date: so you were married twice before?

Me: yes

Date: any kids

Me: no they were both adults

Earth was the first world I created. It has all kinds of problems. #firstworldproblems

‘That one hates me – I’ll lay on him.’

~cats

The correct response to the question “Are you Ticklish?” Is letting the person know you have a firearm

I look after you all day, cook all your meals and clean the whole house, but dad builds one lego thing and he’s the hero?

Actually that lego is pretty impressive, and if I’m honest I didn’t clean the whole house

This year my wife and I decided to make each other handmade gifts for Christmas. She knitted me a hat and I made her a grilled cheese sandwich.

I was in the Valentine’s aisle looking for candy, and next to the adorable stuffed pink bears were the high-powered binoculars. Finally a store that understands the romance of stalking.

It all started when I realized that we didn’t call whiskers on rodents “mouse-taches”

THERAPIST *pushes intercom* Deb, cancel my 3 o’clock.

“Needs to be punchier” — someone who has no idea what they want and wants you to figure it out

Cargo shorts need insulated side pockets so people can always have access to a hot and tasty pork chop.

I’ve never felt more understood than when my 7yo climbed into my bed, heard his dad snoring like a chainsaw and went right back to his own room.

I dunno when it stopped, but I’m kinda pissed that no one celebrates and gives me a sticker when I shit anymore

As a child, my family’s menu consisted of two choices – take it or leave it.

[stranded on Mars]

me: [journal day 1] I have enough rations for 300 maybe 400 days

me: [journal day 2] I am out of rations

I sing this with my entire soul to anyone within earshot. I truly believe, in my heart of hearts, that anything that is broken can always be mended.

-The inventor of duct tape, probably

Psychologist: I found that through a system of simple rewards I can train an animal to repeat a specific behavior.
Boss: Nice. Keep it up, Skinner, and you’ll get tenure.

Went braless for a quick trip to the store…ran into 3 exes, 5 celebrities, my mother-in-law, her church group, a live reporting TV news crew, and Jesus.

Her: OMG my feet are sooo cold, like ice!
Me: No, don’t put them on m-… gahhh!

Repeat until I die, she assures me it was in the wedding vows.

dracula: you gotta stop

me: [after turning another vegan into a vampire] lmao but they get SO mad

I’d be a terrible masseuse. After 5 minutes, I’d be like, “Okay, my turn.”

i think both sides are to blame here

Daughter: Why don’t kids at school get my sarcastic humor?

Me: Because they have boring parents, darling.

It’s beginning to cost a lot like Christmas.