I threw out a jar of expired protein powder and some jacked up raccoons beat the shit out of me a week later.
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God help the parent* who tries to put a new food on their child’s plate.
*my husband
“Dogs are assholes”
DOG PERSON: YOU’RE an asshole!
“Cats are assholes”
CAT PERSON: Yeah
One of my girlfriend’s bras made it into the dryer.
It was nice knowing you guys.
You’d think cats would act more grateful that we sent Curiosity to Mars.
*email from Amazon*
Your package has arrived! To see a picture of the delivery, click HERE
Your front door was faded. For suggested paint colors, click HERE
Your dog was loud. To browse calming treats, click HERE
We saw you changing clothes. To shop for curtains, click HERE
Be the change you want to see in the world!
Me: *goes back to bed
He’s like the ocean
Deep and dirty
Vegetarians and vegans
are admirable ……but cannibals are the real humanitarians.
[God making a planet for the first time and just constantly screwing things up]
Ugh, first world problems.
Me: Congrats! I heard you got married again
Her: Sorry I didn’t invite you. It was a small ceremony
Me: Its ok. I’ll go to your next one
Must suck to see your ex getting married. I wouldn’t know, all mine have died in mysterious fiery car crashes.
The saddest thing about trying to find a needle in a haystack is that your horse is hiding a drug habit from you.
Jason Statham: I kicked the cap off a bottle once
Me: I kicked my shoe off once and it landed right next to the other one
Jason Statham: Hey we’re making another Expendables if you’re interested
Standing in the boys clothes section at Kohls waiting for my wife. I just realized I look creepy. Better move to the little girls section.
The worst time to find out your parents are dead is probably right after you’ve taken a large hit from helium balloon.
My wife said: Pls go to shop & buy a carton of Milk & if they have eggs, get six. I came back with Six cartons of Milk & told they had eggs.
I don’t use Tinder, I meet girls the old school way: never
I’m just a girl…standing in front of a boy…asking him to love her.
Haha, just kidding. I’m just a girl…sitting in my car…talking to a boy through a speaker…trying to order a Shamrock Shake.
But a little drama never hurts.
I don’t wanna start the year with any negativity so if you and I have had issues in the past, apologise to me immediately.
I held up a fist for a CW to bump and she kissed my ring. I am now drunk on power and no one is allowed to make eye contact.
I love snow
– People who never shovel
good morning to everyone except those who can whistle with their fingers.
if you have a weird name and appear in movie’s closing credits, i will find you and i will say you
*crawls out of your television and tries to kill you* I’m not like other girls.
i am developing a ground brekaing new app called “MOneyWallet”, where you earn “Money Points” by mailing cash to my house
*flips table*
YO WHO CALLED THEM EXPIRATION DATES INSTEAD OF SPOILER ALERTS
> what do you want to be when you grow up?
[7 year old me watching Jurassic Park] a UNIX hacker!
*fast forward 28 years*
> So you’re still fixing printers then?
My co-worker said he’s bleeding out of his ear. “That time of the month?” I replied.
He’s not amused.
Did you guys know that protons have mass?
I didn’t even know they were Catholic…
Being a parent is kind of like being a Scooby Doo villain. I would’ve gotten away with so many things if it weren’t for these meddling kids.