I threw out all the clothes that no longer fit and now I’m a nudist.
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People always talk about having backup Singers and I’m like, why would I need two sewing machines?
robber: be cool this is a robbery
me: [unbuttons the top three buttons of my shirt]
One of the perks of getting older is if you encounter an organ harvester in a dark alley they usually just ignore you.
If people winked in real life as much as they do on the Internet, the world would be about 542.67% creepier.
my ex-girlfriend walks by with her new man and he’s talking loudly about muskrats. I used to talk loudly about muskrats
Umbrage is like regular brage, but um…
A child is like a CD. You enjoy it for a while and then forget it in the car.
I’m re-enacting Titanic today, I’m at the part where Rose is naked on the couch eating Corn Flakes and watching Storage Wars.
My blood type is b hungry.
Bad news: I think I may have broken my toe. Good news: the smart car I tripped over will be alright.
*eating a brick of cheese like a stick of butter, which I eat like a burrito, which I eat like an ear of corn*
I mostly do what I want, but sometimes the US court system has an opinion.
Damn, it wouldn’t even have OCCURED to me to say, “E Tu, Brute?”
I would’ve just been SCREAMING
Oops, I “accidentally” left my in-laws at the grocery store. Darn. I guess I’ll just have to get them Monday on the way back to the airport.
*brings a knife to a knife fight, because I read the instructions*
i hope that everyone who forgot to wish me a happy national boston terrier day yesterday spends eternity burning in hell
[Fancy Restaurant]
Host: May I take the lady’s coat?
Me: Please.
Host: And yours sir?
Me: *tightens belt around my karate GI* You can try.
*grabs knife, cuts forehead, lies on floor*
Wife walks in: “WHAT HAPPENED?”
“A burglar came in right when I was about to clean the house”
Wait – my gym moved?
In 1997?
therapist: you are your own worst enemy
me: undefeated baby
You know why I’ve never been murdered in my sleep? Because I leave a cheese plate out for murderers every night. It’s called hospitality maybe look it up sometime.
In the United States, plastic flamingos outnumber the real ones.
Another case where fake ones have a leg up.
Before a long trip I drink allot of alcohol the night before. Dehydration will work for me for once.
I live in fear of my kids going outside when it’s raining, because they could get wet and multiply.
[avengers trailer drops]
ME: ok wow everyone needs to relax a bit geez
[john wick trailer drops]
ME: EVERYONE SHUT UP KEANU AND HIS DOG ARE IN DANGER
Gotta love it when people get a half inch of snow and think the world is ending.
Canadian up.
how i look when they bring my wings at pluckers.
Daughter: Daddy, I want to reach out and touch a star
Me: Yeah, well, that would incinerate the both of us instantly so I don’t think so
My wife and I decided to tell each other one thing about the other that bothered them. Everything was going great until it was my turn.