Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“You made your bed now lay in it” doesn’t really sound like a punishment to me. I love laying in a freshly made bed.

And other 5am thoughts

Parents: back in the day, we didn’t go to therapy

Me: it shows

*kills time while waitimg for train*
oh no with time dead the train will never arrive

Women shouldn’t work outside the home. It’s STEVE Jobs, not EVE Jobs.

I’m single in quarantine and just found a box of googly eyes. I’m going to place them on objects around the house because I miss social anxiety.

I gave my Yorkie a haircut today. Now I know how lion wrestlers feel.

Just bought a universal remote control.

…I really wish, this changes everything..

HR: Can you explain the recent unemployment in your resume?

Me: Yes, that was a period of time when I was not working. But guess what?

HR: What?

Me: You can fix that right here, right now

When I undress there is a radiant shower that falls. Not of money or glitter, but of dog hair.

It’s so cold today, I just grabbed the first 2 kids that got off the bus.

They look like nice kids, the redhead seems a little feisty.

Trains delayed due to:
– Wrong kind of sun
– Ominous cloud
– Slightly damp leaf
– Chilly track
– Suspicious gravel
– Sarcastic swan

I tried flirting with my hairdresser today.

I said, “Do you comb hair often?”

Louis CK releasing a special when no one can leave the room feels pretty on brand TBH

Did you ever have your parents hand you some cash, drop you off at the fair, and tell you they’ll pick you up in 8 hours? Work is the opposite of that.

I stopped at a combination Taco Bell and gas station to eat and get gas. Pumps were down, but…mission accomplished.

Call me crazy but “dropping the ball” does not sound like a good way to start off a new year.

Why I update my apps
:-For the new features ❌

:-for the notifications to go away✅

‘see you in hell’ so it’s a date?

I noticed my mouse problem is back an I yelled at my cats for being lazy and not doing their job like I was in a Tom and Jerry cartoon

[Commercial for condoms]

*a baby cries*

NARRATOR: Condoms

I choose a lazy person to do a hard job. Because a lazy person will find an easy way to do it. – Bill Gates
How is it this guy has not hired me yet?

i trust babies a lot because i can throw them pretty far

detective: where’s that footage from the silo robbery?

me: i deleted it.

detective: why?

me: it was all grainy.

It is completely unreasonable that family members are expecting me to remember things like what the names of their kids are.
Preposterous.

If you want to catch a bus you have to *think* like a bus.

Everybody makes fun of your big purse until you pull out a cheesecake

Please end your conference calls on time. You have no idea who is suffering and needs to go to the bathroom. your question can wait brenda

In relationships, it’s important to pay attention to the person’s likes and dislikes. My parole officer, for example, hates to be tickled.

If I hear people screaming, I always go check on them. Not because I’m nosy or some kind of hero. There might be ice cream.

Masks have freed me to do a whole lot of weird things with my mouth in public that I never even knew I wanted to do.