I threw some bird seed on my lawn earlier and now there are dozen of them out there which is amazing because I thought it would take ages for them to grow
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I’m bored and that can only mean one thing.
My bank accounts about to take a hit.
Them: ‘Everyone you meet is fighting a battle you know nothing about.’
Twitter: actually, we know a little bit about it.
Ok I just need to think like a 39-year-old
-my 6yo, trying to find the Halloween candy I hid
To kill a French vampire you need to drive a baguette through its heart. Sounds easy but the process is painstaking.
sometimes i wish a great-grandpa or old uncle had left me a pocket watch i could take out & wistfully rub during these “trying times”
Not to brag but a girl at this party said I look like the Hulk, of course it was when I was turning green from drinking too much, but still…
The horror. The apostrophe’s.
Each day is a wondrous journey, always discovering the new things in life that can irritate me.
Listen google, it’s 2015. I need you to figure out who I’m talking about when I type “that one guy in that movie I didn’t like.”
Feels
Samsung just announced a series of water resistant phones. Just what you want in a phone that sets itself on fire – to be water resistant.
If dolphins are so smart why do they still live in the water
Pandas are such weird, unserious bears. There’s no way they don’t get laughed out of the room at the Bear Council.
Baby elephants migrate hundreds of miles to find water. My 6 year old is lying on the floor of the mall because I made him walk from the car
It’s impossible for TWO dudes to ride ONE motorcycle without it looking romantic…
i may or may not be making of small casserole with a half pound of cheese, minimum. maybe a whole pound. maybe more. maybe it will be more cheese than casserole. who knows? not me. stop telling me what to do
Sometimes I’m scared I’ll miss my kids when they move out but then I find a bowl of cereal in the bathtub tub and I’m not so scared anymore.
“Ever wonder why Rice Krispies costs the same as quieter cereals?”
why would-
“It’s because they’re sold by weight-“
Dan, NO
“not by volume”
Only love will set you free, and bolt cutters. Bolt cutters will do it
My kid wants me to tell China that they should have camouflaged the balloon by painting it blue with clouds and stuff, and since she’s not wrong I’m wondering, do I write a letter or is there a phone number I can call
I’m suspicious of polyamory because a good relationship is like a conspiracy to assassinate the president. You must trust in your fellow conspirators completely, so you have to keep the group as small as possible.
Dog: You’re back!
Me: Yes
Dog: I missed you so much!
Me: Aww, that’s sweet
Dog: Seriously, I almost died of loneliness
Me: Okay, but I was in the bathroom for like a minute
Dog: DON’T. EVER. LEAVE. ME. AGAIN!
Friendly but loud reminder to NOT FEED STALE DUCKS TO BREAD k
*Password must be hard to guess*
New Password: H0neyWhatDoYouWantForDinner?
I cannot imagine being as bored as the first person to poach an egg
No matter how many times I read this, it always makes me happy.
Marrying a person isn’t the only way to get someone to take your name, there’s also identity theft #MondayMotivation
oh my godddd my cat just asked for food while I was making creme brûlée lmao what an idiot read the room Steven
why is everyone concerned about dying alone i don’t even want people to see me eating spaghetti
[job interview]
“any questions?”
yeah is it Pets Mart or Pet Smart?
“ma’am this is a bank”
I know but you seem like a man with some answers