I threw the ball out into the backyard, the dog started runnin’ on the hardwood floor to give chase, lost traction and skidded sideways out the door like she was trying to block the Suez Canal.
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Doctor: “We got your test results back. I’m so sorry–it’s Curiosity.”
Cat: “Oh my god…”
me: what’s the best way to get healthy?
doctor: diet and exercise
me: what’s the next best?
Me: I must be out of my mind.
Me: You and me both.
You know what’s worse than someone’s phone alarm playing the tune over and over? Someone else who starts whistling along.
Cicadas will full on dominate a conversation and then leave you on read for 17 years.
Apparently, “No kidding!” isn’t a good response when your boss says he’s confused.
It’s pretty and I’m a Taurus so naturally, I can’t help myself.
I asked what she wanted for her birthday and she said she’d like anything I picked out for her and I’ve never been more afraid.
I have no sense of decency. That way all my other senses are enhanced…
Happy Father’s day to all the dads out there trying to keep the front door closed so u don’t AIR CONDITION THE WHOLE NEIGHBORHOOD. COME ON
Me: I swear you’ll be the death of me
Murderer: lol
Mom: *points to my yearbook photo* What a nerd, right?
BF: Haha your hair!
Me: *quietly* It was raining the day we took faculty pictures
[Running away from home]
Me: I didn’t even know houses could run this fast!
If Anubis tried to weigh my heart to pass judgment on my eternal soul I would chase that dog with a vacuum cleaner
my sister: snowboards
my brother: skateboards
me: charcuterie boards
Doctor: are u high?
Me: no, why?
D: bc ur dressed like Batman
M: well maybe Batman dresses like me
D:…
M: alright yea im a lil high
“Fidget toys” is just a term used by folks who got tired of folks yelling at them to stop flipping their goddamn keys.
I’ve never played Russian Roulette, but I once left the house without using the bathroom first.
Mob Boss: did you make it look like an accident
Me: oh yeah I rear ended him before I shot him
If I was a boss I would treat my goons right. They would know love. “You got it, boss” will be met with “Stay safe out there, boys. You’re my pride and joy”
No selfies while hijacking a train.
[Lou Bega voice]
One, two, three four
[Proclaimers voice]
five hundred miles
I slept like a log last night.
A badger pissed on me.
Saw a true dear friend today …. Thank God I was able to hide in time.
I’m sorry I couldn’t get to my blinker in time I’m almost done with this salad
Good news, I don’t have the virus. Bad news, I can still taste my cooking.
[Me using a ouija board]
-Where are you communicating from?
T A S M A N I A
-Oh shit we called the wrong devils
Stop blaming others for your mistakes.
Study feng shui and blame the furniture
Strange to think that exactly four years ago at the start of lockdown in the UK we all began stockpiling pasta, yeast and toilet paper. Those were some of the worst meals I’ve ever eaten.