Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

how about no fine and just a warning for the first offense

ME: Man, I really should get glasses. I’m blind as a–
BAT NEXT TO ME: blind as a what
ME: um
BAT: as a what
ME:
BAT: say it

Science Teacher: outside these walls, there are bullies. but in the classroom, there is only science

[I smile and look into my microscope where an amoeba flips me off]

Whenever my daughter asks if I want to hear her dream I tell her to write it down so I can really absorb it later. Follow me for more tips.

Don’t hand me the good china. That’s a leap of faith you’ll regret.

Conflicts may arise but always remember to be the bitter person.

I think Argentina is quite capable of deciding who it wants to cry for. Stop being so bossy Eva.

My milkshake brings all the hot hazmat suit wearers to my yard

But only one at a time because quarantine

If you’re not feeling the love from your kids, schedule a night out. As soon as you tell them a babysitter is coming they’ll suddenly remember they can’t live without you

I can’t wait til there’s a chalk outline filter

noah: two of every single species on earth

god: yes

noah: and a boat to fit them all

god: yes

noah: and people will ridicule me the whole time

god: yes

noah: and all my friends are going to die

god: yes

noah: but like the world will be good after that right

god: i mean

[to the secretary before I go in for job interview] “when the music starts, hit this button and that will activate the fog machine”

“Be strong” I whisper to my coffee.

cashier: whoa 58 boxes of Mac and Cheese, having a party tonight?

me:

Cashier:

me:

Cashier:

me: sure

Microwave sparked and is suddenly dead, now I really have no idea what time it is.

nobody sighs louder than an unemployed, debt-free dog who spends at least 16 hours a day sleeping

Son: [cracks knuckles]

Me: Oh yeah? [stands up and knees and back make bubble wrap noises for 20 seconds]

Friend: your parents must have had you young

Me: I mean, I couldn’t have been any younger

Why do animals in Lion King worship Simba? Do they not know they are food?

If Natalie Portman dated Jacques Cousteau they would win celebrity couple nicknaming forever with “Portmanteau.”

I’m a parent, so if another grownup tells me “we’ll see” or “maybe” I know the answer is no

[first day as homicide detective]
Cop: any signs of forced entry?
Me: yeah, a bullet somehow forced its way through his face & into his head

It’s funny how all those “best places in the world” lists always forget to include the Internet.

Judge: I’m disappointed to see you back in my courtroom.
Defendant: I’m disappointed to see you back in my courtroom.
J: Stop that.
D: Stop that.

– repeat offenders

I’m convinced that my washing machine is a portal to a world where one-legged men hop around in my socks.

Sometimes I have my shit together, sometimes I eat an unidentified white substance out of my hair and am grateful when it’s frosting.

[Stranded after plane crash]
ME: We need to choose which one of us to eat first

GUY: But why, pacifically?

ME: Ok I’ve made my choice

Bella always knew her human wasn’t particularly sophisticated but red wine with tilapia really was the final straw.

I’ll do anything for you as long as I don’t have to get out of this chair.

[stargazing]
“It’s amazing the activity you can pick up with a decent telescope [lowers kaleidoscope] absolutely amazing.”