Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“White Purr!” – Ku Klux Kat

“and this blood shall be called A+”

all the other blood types: “k wow we’re like right here”

My neighbor rolled her garbage bins out at 5:30am so in turn I entered her cell number on five car warranty websites

“Only God can judge me”

People who’ve never been to
Whole Foods.

Pizza places should give away free pizza car air-freshners. Within 5seconds of sitting in your car, you WILL crave pizza.

Why does cake packaging have to be the loudest thing on planet earth? Doesn’t it know that I want to eat it at 3 a.m.?

The year is 3426, all of humanity is extinct. Supernatural is somehow still on every week with new episodes.

Body: it’s sleepy time.

Brain: it’s thinky time.

I never eat spiders in my sleep because I hang a sign at the door to my mouth that says “I’m a vegetarian” and they know to leave

ALIEN: maybe we can teach this planet the secrets of the universe
*sees me trying to get pringles from the middle of the can*
ALIEN: or not

[fancy daughter comes back from her first semester at culinary school in the big city] Well well well if it isn’t

When I get old, I’m going to buy a monster costume to terrorize people for own personal gain, like a Scooby-Doo villain.

HER: Does your dog do any tricks?

ME: I taught him to lie on the bed

H: That’s not impressive lol

DOG [gets on bed] I wrote The Hobbit

Me: If moths like light so much why haven’t they all flown into the Sun?

Boss:does anyone have any work related questions?

Hey everyone, welcome to Simon Says club. Please have a seat.
*sigh* Looks like we have some work to do

My parents told me I could be anything I wanted so I became unacceptable

Headlines With Threatening Auras.

Gift horse “My gums are bleeding.”
Dentist “Well this is a professional dilemma…”

When I was 8, I was so inspired by Barney Miller that I went door to door in a trenchcoat handing out JJ Piggs, Kid Detective, business cards I made out of scrap paper.

I must have written down the wrong number though because no one ever called me.

* Runs Baywatch-style into oncoming traffic *

stop asking if your body is ready for the beach and start asking if the beach is ready for your body

All of your holes are looking great

– Croctologists

If someone tells you to go fuck yourself, just get up and quietly leave the room and return in 7 minutes. They’ll always wonder….

I will never think of rock paper scissors the same way again.

I’v been catfishing my best friend Dave for the last 3 weeks. He’s gunna pay me that $50 he owes me or I’m showing these emails to his wife.

if i die from eating a tide pod, please bury me in the traditional fashion:

warm/cold water

15 mins extra soak

permanent press cottons

Sure I’ll donate my bone marrow, what are you making, broth?

Me: spreads bacon grease on my toast
Also me: how did I gain weight this week?

[being chased by a murderer]

Me: *stops running, bends down* find a penny pick it up all day long you’ll have good luck!

Murderer: *stabs me*

When I was a kid, I literally thought “This little pig went to market” meant it went shopping.