Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I know it’s traditional to start work at 9, but I think we could lower that age to 8.

Of the 4 people living in this house, I’m the only one who didn’t immediately try to touch the new cactus houseplant.

If theres an otter, youre underwater. If a ferret you see, then on land you be.

I want to be rich enough where I’m not offended by the price of beef jerky.

Taking pity on my neighbors and finally getting motorized blinds on my windows… they’ve suffered enough.

If you can’t afford anal beads eat marbles and wait

*large male nurse rolls chair all the way across room, coming to a stop with his forehead pressed against yours*
SO YOUR CHART SAYS ANXIETY?

Pacifically speaking, for all intensive purposes, don’t take me for granite.

Do you ever have irrational anger at some random person in your life you will never see again? For me it’s that lady who woke me up for snoring during Cats.

My 12 year old son is going to his first play with us tonight. I convinced him that everyone wears fanny packs to plays. We had to go buy him one at Walmart, but it will be worth it.

cop: know why I pulled you over?

fortune teller: well let’s just see (flips over tarot card that shows a skeleton in a car doing 45 in a 35) ah frick

*updates tinder bio*

You look like the type of person who would try to write a check for a drug deal.

[Studying for his history test]

10: I wish I was born in the 1800s

Me: Why?

10: I’d have less history to learn

Damn girl are you a cobweb cause you’re really clingy and annoying

I avoided Twitter yesterday because it’s full of misinformation but the first Tik Tok I opened was like “SOMEBODY TRIED TO UNALIVE TRUMP WITH A PEW PEW!!”

Pretty much the only time I WANT to hear about your ex is if she’s standing behind me with a weapon, other than that I’m good.

the thing about the weather getting colder is that it makes you think you want to date someone when what you want is heavy socks

The umbrella was going to be called brella, but the inventor hesitated.

A couple approaches on the beach. He calls her “Allison.” I write, “Marry me, Allison,” in the sand and hide. And now we wait.

It’s easy to tell hedgehogs from porcupines. Porcupines aren’t blue.

Went to put some milk in my coffee this morning only to realize my kids drank it all. They leave me no choice.

Baileys it is.

God: let’s make their hands able to become cups so they can drink

Angel: that’s pretty cool

G: but only a little bit

A: ooookaaaayy…

G: and they’re leaky as hell

A: there it is

A guy asked my kiddos if they were on Santa’s naughty list or his good list. They both said good, but as soon as we got in the car, 4 was worried and asked “sooooo…how good do you have to be, to be on the good list?”

That seems sus.

Them: We should go for a walk in the park

Me: [Excited] We hiding a body?

Them:

Me: Oh right, exercise

Just put the vaccine inside donuts, ok.

I have a riddle about lice but it’s a real head scratcher

Oh honey, when I said I wanted to grind your face I meant with a meat grinder

Group therapist: What’s your biggest fear?

Wolfman: Silver bullets

Frankenstein: Fire

Dracula: Lasagna, spaghetti…you know, most Italian dishes.

My wife and I toss a coin to settle our arguments. If the coin comes down, she wins, if it stays suspended in air forever, I win.