Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Have a teen so when she’s five minutes late for Cross Country practice, it’s your fault for driving the “long way.” Nevermind practice started at 6:00, and she got into the car at 6:01. Those details are irrelevant.

If Disney did a film about a pet rock, they’d still find a way to kill off one of the parents.

FRIEND: Nice old house. Is it haunted?
ME: Yup.
FRIEND: Really? By who?
WIFE: [from kitchen] YOU LOADED THE DISHWASHER WRONG.
ME: The ghost of my mother.

A spider built a web across a rarely used toilet in my basement so occasionally I’ll flush it for him so maybe he thinks he over a series of picturesque mountain rapids

What do you mean my cats can’t be dependents on my taxes?!
I feed them, clothe them, & care for them!
CPA: You clothe them?
Shut it hater.

The fastest animal in Canada is probably the vaMoose.

To be fair to Justin Bieber if I had more than $75 I would act the way he does

Spanish film idea. A woman sees her son wrongly imprisoned and immediately sets out to have him released. It’s called Bye Juan, Get Juan Free.

Buddhist Monk sees kid in Nirvana t-shirt:
“You like Nirvana? What’s your favorite step on the 8-fold Path?”
Kid: Nevermind
“Yeah, me, too.”

*Opening my window like a Disney princess to greet neighbors who are angrily throwing tomatoes*

I watch medical dramas that are about 5% medicine and 95% drama and I call it studying

I’m keeping an eye on the cult headquarters, call that compound interest

My wife learned the closer you travel to the speed of light, the longer you live. Now she drives like she wants to live forever.

I’m sorry you’re just not NASA material
“Why?”
Well, you wrote ‘red’ then crossed it out & put ‘human’ under blood type on your application.

Yes…

I retweet.

Isn’t that kinda the point?

Spread the love and shit?

Mostly shit…

But that’s your fault…

Rose petals? Next time scatter something I can eat.

Why stop at biting during sex?
Bite people all the time.

If George W. Bush was the president of France today, he would declare war on Finland.

[My band playing on stage]

New GF’s friend: Which one is the boy you’ve been seeing?

New GF: *sees me playing accordion* He died

I’m getting arthritis in my pinky finger which is making it painful to drink tea in my upper-class social circles.

My cousin: “i just closed a big deal today that is going to make me a ton of money!”

Me: “some guy name Queef Nuggets RTed me”

Ghostbusters commercial: who you gonna call?

Ghost haunting me: [looks at me nervously]

Me: lmao like you’re scarier than a phone call

The Turkey took our temperature before he would come out of the oven!!!

Now taking applications to pretend to be my boyfriend on Saturday and go with me to my friend’s kid’s graduation party. I can’t pay anything but you can steal stuff from their house

This weather better stop actin like my teenager’s mood

I’m laughing way harder than I should for this image.

Everyone wants to be a Viking until you set them out to sea on a boat that’s on fire.

Thank god attorneys let us know they’re attorneys “at law” so we don’t assume they’re attorneys at garlic bread or something.

H: So what’s the worst thing you’ve ever seen someone do?

Me: I watched a mother buy her son a harmonica.

[on a 1st date]

Me: I’m just looking to take things slow

Her: *in a wedding dress* me too