Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Damn girl, are you my Boy Scout troop leader? Cause you’re making me pitch a tent.

Ugh, I’m starting to regret getting bangs.
“You don’t have bangs.”
Wait, what’s that thing you get when a bat bites you?
“Rabies?”
That’s it

Schools spent time teaching us things like quadratic formula and not how to split a check with one person who only has PayPal, someone who only has Venmo, another person who only has Zelle, and nobody has any cash.

I think my dog just OD’d on lightening bugs. I didn’t even know that was a thing. Please teach your pets about bug addiction

It’s gonna be so fun when we all start seeing each other at AA meetings after all of this.

TRES leches?! En esta economía?!

“Can’t beat fresh apple pie” she says, setting 1 down. I slam my fist into it. 3rd degree burns. “Wrong” I whisper 4 hrs later in the ER.

Once I’ve made up my mind about something, there’s no stopping me
from second guessing myself.

Don’t you hate it when you buy organic veggies and when you get them home you realize they’re donuts

Little Red Riding Hood found in a critical condition. Paramedics have stabilised her condition, but shes not out of the woods yet.

Please go back into your caves. I was wrong about it being safe to come out.

doctor: your system is full of drugs

patient: you should see the other guy

doctor: what other guy

patient: you can’t see him

My wife and I found each other on a dating website………3 years after we got married. That was awkward.

Please do not return empty candy wrappers to the dish. It leads to false expectations and uncontrollable rage.

How come it’s called an “engagement ring” and not kneel diamond?

Most things in life aren’t free. HOWEVER if you run fast enough, they are.

My teen said she wants to go to the mall with me so we can spend time together, and then the credit cards in my purse laughed and laughed.

No one is born racist. Racism is taught. By other races.

Quick! I’m doing my taxes. Is it normal to get $76,000 back when you make $60,000?

Apparently this weekend there will be constant rane, hale, gails, drissle, thundre, litnin, hy tydes, tawnaydoes and frizzing colde.

Really bad spell of wether.

Just found out that “Shake what your mama gave you” is considered extremely offensive to amoeba.

Boss set out a bowl of hard candy in the break room, so I guess we had our Christmas party today.

I imagine when you get to heaven they give you a box with all the sodas and snacks that vending machines cheated you out of your whole life.

[taking baby’s shoes off]
Oh what a surprise. Clean soles. It’s almost as if you were carried everywhere.

48 hr deodorant only lasts 8 hours. Welcome to my TED Talk.

Wrapping presents takes a LOT longer when your kid sneaks up behind you & cuts off your arm with an empty wrapping paper tube lightsaber.

I had to Stop for this

Ladies, if he:
– doesn’t introduce you to his parents
– never calls you back
– has four feet
– smells like potato chips
– could easily be mistaken for a loaf of bread

that’s my pug, you’re dating my pug

My husband and I are co-counsel in trial today.

We already had an argument about who would drive to the courthouse.

This should be good.

If there are no stupid questions what do you call this?