I threw up my hands in disgust last night.
Knew I shouldn’t have eaten them.
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I take it personally when I let a car cut in front of me and then they immediately get into another lane. Come back you are with me now.
Do bodybuilding exterminators have better traps?
[talking to a frat bro]
Me: Dude you have such a strong axe scent.
I don’t mean to brag but I’ve perfected the confused look whenever my credit cards get declined
“Mega Shark vs Giant Octopus” is on, followed by “Mega Shark vs Crocasaurus”. Nice job, SyFy. Way to GIVE AWAY THAT GIANT OCTOPUS LOSES.
My parents are just back from Little Women. My mam absolutely loved it but my dad isn’t happy because there was a Waterford Crystal bowl in the background of a scene and Waterford Crystal wasn’t around back then and therefore, the movie is no good.
If sleeper cells advertised themselves as napping cells, they’d see a huge increase in membership.
I like staying home, cause soon as I step outside I spend $100
Allowing your kids to cuss offers a great balance between
1. making profanity less cool for them
2. pissing your mother-in-law off
My cousin Tay Tay vaped once at a party and she went on to steal hundreds of dollars in clothing from various stores we don’t know if it’s related but you can never be too careful
People who make blanket statements are completely horrible & have no redeeming qualities.
apple needs to start giving headphones for free again because if i have to hear that “oh no no no” tiktok audio out loud on the train again im gonna start tying people to the train tracks
If you’re charging me $15 for apple cider at a hayride it better contain enough booze to enable me to see a headless horseman.
In my 20s: jingle all the way
In my 40s: jingle til around six thirty
Welp, wife didn’t appreciate the dishes in the sink being arranged in a heart shape.
I would bring my dog a nice jerky treat from Colorado, but he only eats local, sustainable cat turds.
“Alexa, lock the door”
– me to my friend alexa because computers locking doors is LITERALLY HOW TERMINATOR STARTED
Moms that name their daughters Stacy are the real narcissists.
In hindsight, I made two key mistakes on this family vacation:
1) Going on vacation
2) Taking my family
WAITER: what can I get you?
ME [noticing a man rubbing his stomach heartily]: ooh I’ll have what he’s having
WAITER: right away sir *starts rubbing my belly*
No one rushes to view your WhatsApp status like people who have their read receipt off.
What this place needs is a revival of the narrator tweets.
Narrator: No, that’s the last thing this place needs.
Reading a magazine waiting at the checkout and was told, “this is not a library”, so I read it out loud.
I found the worst tweet ever made. It appeared right after I clicked send
Ion see the issue
I once saw a man walk barefoot across hot coals, and I thought, wow, he could’ve just walked around those. Idiot.
Once upon a time,
You weren’t listening to the story mommy was reading to you so everyone in the book dies. The end.
People without kids who give other people’s kids messy or annoying toys..
Imagine that we gave you a monkey with a kazoo and fingerpaints..
humans only use 10% of their treadmills