I thrive in a waiting room. u need me to sit in a chair and look at my phone? No worries love i do this at home
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It’s cute how alcohol comes in a paper bag so when you hit rock bottom you have something to hyperventilate into.
Today I learned that you never bring a ‘I did the dishes’ to a ‘you never pick things up’ fight
The door bell rang, I opened and saw my lost sock lying on the porch. I brought it in quietly and we both decided just to let it go.
How many court cases have been thrown out because the judge needs a unanimous decision & the jury is made up entirely of dentists
I love Bounty but even I think this is cursed
I like to swear a lot so that people will keep their kids away from me.
Dammit, phone. It’s always been ‘this’ and never ‘thus.’ I’ve got clumsy sausage fingers, not a conclusion to my dissertation.
A friend wants me to be friends with her friend. I now have one less friend.
Just because you’ve never met a time traveler doesn’t mean there aren’t any. Those idiots probably all got eaten by dinosaurs
Me: [frog emoji]
Him: [turtle]
Me: [monkey]
Him: [pig]
Me: ARE YOU CALLING ME FAT?
Him: What? No! Here [dog]
Me: GREAT SO NOW I’M A BITCH?
POLICE SKETCH ARTIST: so what exactly did the “shapeshifter” look like?
[the easel makes a throat-slitting gesture]
ME: …I dont remember
Sorry I can’t come to your party, I already made other plans after you invited me.
Forgot my glasses so I’m pointing at a random spot on the menu and hoping for the best
You can’t leave the aquarium with a penguin.
It’s a stuffed animal I got in the gift shop.
Ma’am, it’s moving.
I GOT IT IN THE GIFT SHOP!
how about no fine and just a warning for the first offense
Amazon Tracking:
1. We’re not sure it exists.
2. Your package has arrived.
Customer Service: How does the name appear on your credit card?
Me: If i had to guess, I’d say it’s 11 pt. Arial bold.
In no functioning society should the sentence “Someone stole my ape cartoon” be followed by “now my life savings are gone”
There’s no denying that I have an effect on men. Mostly migraines, but an effect nonetheless.
All I’m saying is that big burgers should be fucking wider not taller
20s: There are three people? I’m not going to the party
40s: There are three people!! I’m not going to the party
Pretty much everyone I’ve ever met has told me to stop exaggerating
i work as a dj on the side. i like to hide a speaker somewhere in the club and make it drown out my music with a home depot ad every five minutes. everybody runs around trying to shut it off, but no one can figure out where it’s coming from. my stage name is DJ ESPN’s Website
Not sure of the logistics yet on how to include this in my last will & testament, but I’d like to stage a “coffin flop” for my funeral
If you are going to call the cops every time you spot me in your bushes I don’t think this relationship is going to work.
BARTENDER: how do you take it?
ME: personally
My husband got stung by a bee on the forehead,he’s at the hospital now.
Face all swollen and bruised,he almost died…..Luckily I was close enough to hit the bee with my shovel !!!
Me *jumps from one existential crisis to another*: Parkour!