Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Squid Game is so captivating because it’s about man’s greatest fear: being told to find a partner to team up with for a project

Obama keeps trying to get me to kiss this top secret document from Syria but I keep telling him I’m not the kinda guy who’ll kiss intel

[phone rings]
“You’re gonna die in 7 days”

[me, pantless in dark kitchen, lips to phone]
Can u make it 5

how come some families are all, like, “our ancestry can be traced back to some of the most important people who ever walked the earth,” & my family is all, like, “that raccoon is your uncle chet.”

<Morgue>
Me:*gasping sob* That’s her. I’d recognize that Boner Garage tattoo anywhere. Oh, Grandma.

[morgue]
mum: [crying over my bullet ridden body] how did this happen
cop: the robber yelled “everyone be cool” so he tried to do a kickflip

Just Friends is my favorite movie that shows fat guys how to get out of the friendzone through perseverance and becoming Ryan Reynolds.

one time I saw a doc RUNNING in the hospital and I was like omg what’s the emergency and they were like DIARRHEA and I was like omg who and they were like ME

My dad did not let me watch Dexter’s Labratory because he said it was unrealistic. “A lab that size would absolutely devastate the foundation of the house” he would say.

*At the bank
Teller: And how would you like your cash?

Me: Non sequential and in a brown bag.

Teller: You asked to withdraw 20 dollars…

Me: exactly

Teller:…

Me: Can I still have a lollipop?

dropping acid is irresponsible like damn bro don’t be so clumsy

you use, so many commas, I can only read your tweets, like Christopher Walken

“I love Worcestershire sauce.”

“What’s so special about it?”

“It’s hard to say.”

My first date was awful. Never eaten them since.

Me: Your teacher said you clean up her desk everyday at school.

7-year-old: Yeah.

Me: Why don’t you clean up at home?

7: I come here to relax, not work.

Friday the 13th doesn’t even feel creepy cause bad things happen everyday now. 🫶🏽🫶🏽

I am always amazed when people grossly exaggerate my lifestyle as a lesbian. Now if you’ll excuse me, I have a topless cupcake fight to attend.

would be a terrible security guard. too easily bribed. I’d be out there saying “and these potato chips you offer, are they flavoured?”

Relationship Status:

My dog was just licking my ear.

I didn’t stop her.

*opens camera app on phone*
*35 cats scurry under the couch*

Lance Armstrong should be applauded for being able to ride a bike so well on drugs. I tried it once. Hit a dog and fell into the canal.

“This steak is really chewy.”

*me drunk, eating my dog’s toy*

“Why can’t I just eat the wax?”

~me, when I can’t open the cheese

[having sex]
HER: talk dirty to me
ME: I’ve been wearing the same underwear for weeks
HER: no, I mean-
ME: I drink my own bath water

*through a mouthful of Nutella*

Oh, yeah, healfy eafing is sufer imfortant to me.

A couple I know went hiking for their 25th anniversary which sounded shady to me.

[a more realistic remake of Paranormal Activity 3]

Boyfriend: ok so I want to capture this ghost stuff and put a camera in your daughters’ bedro—

Real mother: get out.

[credits roll]

Piñatas are a fun way to intentionally maim the guests at your party.

I just want to be rich enough to stop having to pretend that I’m getting work done

*dog pokes me with nose*

*stop, it’s late*

(Dog looks at me with sad eyes)

*ugh, ok*

[sets up poker table for him and his friends]