Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

my mom texts me money bag emojis when i forget to pay her just like the mob.

Instead of saying a package is Family Size, it’d be more helpful if it listed a time frame, like 3 Hours Worth of Cookies.

Since we don’t get one single trick or treater in my neighborhood, I’ll just get 5 large bags of candy.

Marriage means commitment. So does insanity.

Coincidence?

ME: haha when your mask is down it looks like a chinstrap beard

HER: what mask

ME: oh

Shame on you if you’re still replying “damn” to selfies. Take a creative writing class.
As the cedars outside my window
swayed with the gentle autumn breeze,
I gazed upon your digital image, madam,
And my bowl of spaghetti fell to the floor
As, nearly, did I…

Customize Your Wedding.

Lance Armstrong should be applauded for being able to ride a bike so well on drugs. I tried it once. Hit a dog and fell into the canal.

Confuse your least favorite person at work by moving in slow motion when they’re the only person watching you

Only you can prevent podcasts

Cop: Know why I stopped you?

SUPER DANCE OFF??

Cop: OH YEAH

OH YEAH?

Cop: No, not really. There’s a warrant for your arrest.

oh no

Are we sure that we’re supposed to look for a human to settle down with? Cause I’m discovering I have much more in common with this blanket.

When your friend tells you she’s thinking about adopting and you get really disappointed when you find out she means a human.

Forget a boring old urn with my ashes, when I’m dead and gone I want my kids to display my shrunken head on the mantle

people naming their orcs with excessive apostrophes like

I carry one of those tiny Swiss Army knives with me at all times. You never know when you’ll need a tiny blade to thwart an attacker.

did you know the official veterinary term for your cat eating something it shouldn’t is “dietary indiscretion” which absolutely sounds like a cat politician trying to downplay its irresponsible past

I forgot the word boiling and just called it angry water, i have no idea how i graduated college

*buys dog organic, free-range, non-nitrate chicken treats for $7.99, buys self Big Mac

yesterday my wife sent me to the garage to see if i could find some wd40 & two hours later i managed to disable our sprinkler system & start a small brush fire inside the washing machine

[Raiding ISIS Safehouse]

Green leader: Area secured. Over

Me: Apple Turn. Over

GL: Wha

Me: Extreme make. Over

GL: Take that guy out too

Being an ipad baby must be soo exciting imagine going from nine dull months in the womb to playing candy crush

Bought a “Best Moments of 2021” magazine and the pages were blank

how DARE

Him: There’s a snake in the house. Do you want to stay at my mom’s?
Me: How big is the snake?

Buying more laundry baskets so I can avoid doing the laundry

Accidentally opened the Facebook app and now I’m in three pyramid schemes.

if you stand up in a hospital waiting room & loudly announce your name & why you’re there, sometimes another person will do it too

Being a parent is hard work, but it’ll all be worth it when I need donors for a new liver.