I thrive on chaos!
*breaks spaghetti noodles in half*
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[band comes out for encore] DO YOU WANNA HEAR ONE MORE
crowd: YAAAAAHHHH
me: GETTING KINDA LATE GUYS
“Dollars to donuts” is my most frequent currency conversion.
imagine jeffrey dahmer walking into a 5 guys and reading the menu like well that’s def not what i was expecting.
[checking bag at the airport]: yes, that is indeed a bag
me: I heard this cemetery was haunted
caretaker: I’ve worked here 173 years and haven’t seen anything
i got 100% on my daughters assignment.
What did the 0 said to O?
Ohio!
me: i know things haven’t been going well, but I think if we have a kid together, we can turn this around
boss: you’re still fired
*jingles half the way*
My friend asked if I had any “potential suiters.”
Sitting here in a petticoat, corset, twirling a parasol, drinking sweet tea, waiting…
What doesn’t kill you is coming back later with spiders.
in hindsight, grumbling about my mother having 30 pairs of slippers was ill-timed in coinciding with the arrival of my 12 pairs of Old Navy flip-flops
Her: OMG! You didn’t feed my cat while I was away?
Me: Do you remember that time you didn’t harvest my crops on FarmVille? Now we’re even.
I asked my neighbors to keep it down last night and they were like ma’am- it’s 5pm.
“I < 3 You” means I’m smaller than 3 of you.
nobody’s ever dunked on babies this hard and never will
When my teenagers give me shit in front of their friends, I ask if they want to come over for a “play date”
It’s hard for me to commit when everyone I love is 70% water
once again my favorite hobby, lunging at people in parking garages, has landed me in hot water
My phone corrects “haha” to “hahaha”, so all my friends think they’re 50% funnier than they actually are.
Whatcha doing?! 😏🤣🐶
🤣dope
Person who is about to invent the coffee mug: Ouch! This coffee cup is too hot to pick up!
Boss: I don’t have time for this. Handle it.
if bowser kidnapped my wife, i wouldn’t ask for a background music, no matter how much fun i’d be having chasing turtles.
[teaching babies to swim]
Me: ok, some of you are not gonna make it
[in the bedroom]
HER: you got some in my hair
ME: whoops my bad
HER: and in my eye
ME: sorry I can’t control it
HER: have you ever painted before
All firemen must dread the moment when they’re done for the day and have to find the strength to climb back up the pole.
adulthood means trying to convince yourself the font is just too small and it isn’t your eyesight going bad
I like how this car asks me if it’s safe to move in reverse.
WHERE WERE YOU WHEN I WAS GETTING MARRIED???
So… counting to ten in between multiple double cheeseburgers DOESN’T count as intermittent fasting?