Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

fired for “unleashing rats at work” which is bull shit first off because they don’t make leashes for rats

Too bad you can’t get abs from laughing at your own jokes because I would be shredded.

i type in all lowercase because i hate capitalism

Kim – Where is North West?

Kanye – *takes out compass*

Kim – I mean my baby!

Kanye – I’m right here.

Kim – Jesus Kanye!

Kanye – Yeezus*

Daddy, why is grandma so bitter?

I don’t know, son; seems to run in the family. Your great uncle tasted awful

Hubby is trying to get it up…There we go…Ok now it won’t go down-oh there it goes…Shit, now it’s going back up!

Garage door is broken

Turns out you don’t need to have a large gathering to still argue about religion and politics.

Trees to oxygen:

“Pfft. Waste product.”

“men are scared of powerful women,” I whisper to myself as my 14th tinder date of the month leaves me alone at the bowling alley with my hand stuck in the ball return machine

Witness: and in the lead up to the trial I was being intimidated, finding dead animals left on my doorstep.

Cat lawyer: objection! How can we trust someone who doesn’t know a BRIBE when they see one?

You could make dinner for a toddler, or you could just cut out the middle man & throw away a plate of food and squirt ketchup on the dog.

I don’t care if you’re black or white… old or young… rich or poor… male or female… there comes a moment in everyone’s life when you raise your glass and realize… the damn coaster is still stuck to it…

my dog when its nice out: *jumps in pond, rolls in dirt, eats goose poo*

when raining: MADAM how DARE u take me into these AWFUL conditions

waiter: would you like a box

me: how is it prepared

A fun thing to say when someone asks if you have a sec is “I have a lot of secs.” Then wink. Then fill out sexual harassment paperwork.

My 4-year-old just monologued at me for 25 minutes, paused, and then said “Can I tell you something?”

“I Knew You Were Trouble When You Walked In” is my favorite Taylor Swift song about a racist shop owner.

Whenever a long lost friend calls me, I get suspicious & wonder if he’s calling me to sell Amway products..

If only the door of my car had a warning light for when it was getting low on takeout napkins.

Nike is coming out with a line
of Air Brady football shoes.

They have a built in suspension feature.
You just have to let some air out.

5 days of cooking sausages lol I love this story

Dateline has taught me that the day I light up a room, my days are numbered.

[movie theater]
*reaches into wife’s purse*
*pulls out lasagna*
me: Told you it’d work

judge: what do you have to say for yourself

scooby-doo villain: i was legally startling trespassers on my own private property and was wrongfully arrested and imprisoned by a group of high teenagers

judge: oh damn

[breaking up yet another fight]

Me: Why do you always fight with your sisters?

6-year-old: Because I always win.

I have way too much responsibility for someone who still isn’t sure if 12pm is noon or midnight.

one mistake some cult leaders make is predicting armageddon will happen on a specific day. embarrassing to explain afterwards. if i ever lead a group of devoted followers i’d keep shit like that pretty vague

“What’d you do today”
“Went on a treasure hunt”
“I hope you mean job hunt”
“Treasure hunt”
“You need to find a job”
“Not if I find treasure”

son: Why do people tell jokes?
me: To make other people laugh
son: So why do you tell jokes?

SQUARREL