Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I feel pretty confident that I could eat my way out of a vat of mashed potatoes.

Dated a mime once – God was it good – he did sooooo many ~unspeakable things~to me ….

Me before a guy comes over: I have to clean my entire home. Every room must be immaculate. Even the rooms we are unlikely to occupy need to be spotless

Guy: if I see so much as a speck of dust I will not have sex with this person

Question. How much fire is too much fire for your house to be on.

Vegetables: “We need to be stored in special conditions with ideal humidity and temperature.”

Potatoes:

ME: [knocks on neighbors door] I think I ran over your cat.

NEIGHBOR: What did the cat look like?

ME: *making face like I’m screaming* Like that.

My insurance does not cover Jesus taking the wheel. I checked.

i scammed $50,000 from a financial advice columnist does anyone need anything?

Today, I want to talk about petting a cat with wet hands and why that’s no good for your hands or the cat.

“Clean up after yourselves. Your mother doesn’t live here!” I holler at my kids, completely forgetting several key details.

No I don’t want to read the article first I want to argue now

Be careful insulting me. Two and a half weeks later I will come back with a burn that will leave you REELING

People moaning about the weather at least it’s not snowing. Imagine shovelling snow in this heat.

“Thanks, you’ve been a wonderful host!”

– Viruses

Me: WHY AREN’T YOU CLEANING YOUR ROOM LIKE I ASKED?

My 6year old: You only asked once

I saw an identical tweet of my joke! It was posted months before mine, so he’s worse than a tweet thief; he’s a time-travelling tweet thief!

Cop: *looks at license* Says here you need glasses.
Me: I have contacts.
Cop: I don’t care who you know, you’re not getting out of this one.

“Regardless of what Newton said, gravity is just a theory that you humans choose to accept as fact. If you simply refuse to take it as a given, then the whole paradigm shifts. Anyway Brenda, when you’ve got a minute, the litter in my box could really use a change.”

Her: *hands me her baby*
Me: *drops it*
Her:
Me: So, is there like a five second rule or…?

even worse than arguing with a stupid person online is when an even stupider person joins in but they’re on your side

Summer break is cool because I won’t be alone for the next 2000 hours of my life but at least I won’t have to pack anyone a lunch.

Hacker: I have all your passwords
Me: OMG!! Thank you! What are they

Once I tried to rescue this kitten stuck in a tree only it wasn’t a kitten it was an owl and he was, like…he was fine there.

[Troy in the olden times]
“WTF is that?”
A wooden horse
“It’s not full of soldiers is it?”
[from in horse] JUST TAKE IT INSIDE & HAVE A LOOK

I feel like HGTV is creating some false expectations for the attractiveness of the contractor you hire for home renovations.

Based on a survey of yard signs in my neighborhood, it appears “Drive Like Your Kids Live Here” has a slight lead over both the Democratic and Republican candidates.

Maps used to say cool stuff like “Here Be Dragons.” Now they just say bullshit like “Portugal.”

What do you mean 100 іsn’t a perfect credіt score

It’s not the fact that that we all swallow 8 spiders a year that gets to me. It’s the fact that 56 billion spiders a year make that choice.