I throw open the heavy doors to reveal a vast library. You scan the seemingly endless volumes, realizing too late & with gnawing dread that the collection in its entirety is comprised of 1980s-era microwave cookbooks as I close & lock the doors behind me.
You Might Also Like
Teens are like the Magic 8ball of humans, they think they have all the answers & you want to shake them because what they said was stupid.
If you ever get attacked by a bear, throw your shark at it. Also, get a shark.
*mops up wine with cat*
who is Godzilla’s least favorite relative? his MOTHRA-IN-LAW
Every Sunday is superbowel if you eat enough chili
[The Second Coming]
Jesus: “People of the Earth! I have returned with news of God’s love an-“
Voice from the crowd: “DO THE WINE TRICK”
Remember during the pandemic when we all put aside our differences, realized we were united under one common goal and, together, made the world’s most delicious cheeseburger?
I’ve been trying to figure out why I overslept today. Just realized drunk me set my calculator for $7.30.
SEXY POTATO: Hey buddy, my eyes are up here, and over here, and down here, and around here and
I am the King of the Universe and I have a son and he occasionally appears on grilled-cheese sandwiches. #yup
I’m like if a scented trash bag was a person.
A chicken that’s good with numbers is a mathematish-hen.
“It’s beautiful today. Let’s work outside.”
*5 mins later*
“This was a terrible idea.”
*more bees disrupt the open heart surgery*
when a bird is walking around on its little bird legs. it’s mocking you. it’s saying this is you. this is what you look like.
I have Tourettes syndrome, but instead of swearing, I yell out movies that Nicolas Cage has been in
I tried being a Disney Princess but them damn budgies keep loading the dishwasher wrong
I bet when Kanye was little he played tag by himself, then argued with himself on whether he was tagged or not.
The smoke detectors just went off in my house and no one even looked up from their phones.
Ran into my wife at the library when we were both supposed to be “out with friends”
“Men are pigs” – misandrist &/or world’s worst biologist
“how did people keep up with TV before the internet?” my young friend, we didn’t need phones. if you missed an episode, there would be one person in every classroom the next morning re-enacting the plot like a town crier.
“Why am I so thirsty?”
*Flashback to me eating half a ham*
“Oh, right”
If you were a burger, I’d throw you in the trash.
Year 2055. Twitter dot com is downloaded into your head as a sentient being program. You post tweets via thought. People still manually RT.
Boss: Your career is like a phoenix.
Me: You mean you expect it to rise from the ashes?
Boss: No, I mean it’s entirely imaginary.
The most I’ve ever paid for sex was ‘marriage.’
Superman’s Google searches:
“Strongest hero”
“Strongest hero. Not Hulk”
“Fastest hero”
“Fastest hero. Not Flash”
“Phone booth for sale”
I tried to explain Pokémon to my 4-year-old.
After hearing myself say it out loud, I’m pretty sure I ruined both of our childhoods.
Give a man a fish and he’ll say “Sir put that back in the tank.” Teach a man to fish and he’ll say “ok pal, it’s time you left the aquarium”