Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I worked at Subway many years ago and one night a lady brought in her own cheese for me to use on her sub

I don’t work for the health department so I did it anyway

How can kids be so dumb and so brilliant at the same time? My son can’t say “oatmeal,” but he calls it “eatmeal” before I serve it and “atemeal” once he’s done.

You’re not going to believe this, but I was doing really well, and then your email found me.

me whenever anyone asks about my job: yeah i absolutely love hospitality! every day you get the chance to make someone’s day and it’s incredibly rewarding 🙂

me 0.5 seconds into a shift: they should invent a slur for customers

I work all day in front of a MEDIUM screen, so I can sit all evening looking at a BIG screen while scrolling on a SMALL screen

Interviewer: Your resumé says your strength is confidence but your weakness is languages

Me: I think you’ll find it’s pronounced resume

Impossible to find a better word than hyperbole.

There goes my Valentine’s Day plans..

Go to the bar with you? Sure dude but know in advance that I’m the worst wingman since Icarus.

Friend: Our backstories shape us, but don’t define us

Me: Like Spanx

[phobia support group]

host: i see we have someone new tonight. everyone say hi and give a big wave to our new member.

me: [tearing up]

host: it’s ok, what phobia brings you in today?

me: tsunamis

[Party]
Me: so I went to the corner shop…and bought 4 corners hahaha

Colonel Mustard *jumps up* can you join me in the study?

Me: Yeah why?

Colonel Mustard *picking up candlestick* just come now

Imagine an octopus mother trying to get her octopus kid ready for school but she can only find seven shoes

What’s green, fuzzy, has four legs, and will kill you if it falls out of a tree?

.

.

A pool table

I love balloons! I keep tying them to my arm, but I think I’m getting carried away.

Did you ever wonder what happened to He-Man to make him get bangs?

Me: I don’t want to fill up on bread.

Executioner: This is literally your last meal.

[police station]
“sir you get one phone call.”
[calls 911]
“hello 911 what’s your emergency?”
yeah a bunch of pricks are holding me hostage.

5: Let’s play house, mommy. You be the baby. I’ll be the mommy.

Me: OK

5: It’s night-night time. Go to sleep, baby!

Me: *Kicks, screams, fusses*

5: This isn’t how the game goes, mommy. I’m the mommy, so you have to listen.

Me: Oh, honey, this is *exactly* how the game goes.

Stages of a quick trip to Costco:

1. I need only one thing.
2. I need a shopping cart.
3. I need help loading this in my car.
4. I need a bigger car.

3: Can I be Cinderella?

Me: Sure, you can help me mop the floors, scrub the toilets and the dishes need to be put away.

3:

Me: Well?

3: Can I be Sleeping Beauty?

found out about a magic tournement where a guy on shrooms won the whole thing and can’t get over this pic they took of the top 8

My son doesn’t like when I participate in his slang world lol!

If someone asks us why we didn’t have kids I ask them how many people they’ve had sex with, and when the awkward silence hits it’s peak I’ll ask if I’m playing the none of your business game correctly.

Me: *successfully puts out fire* Did I pass?

Cooking instructor: No.

Hi, I’m Angie.
You may remember me from such instances as: Where did all the vodka go? Is ur friend ok? Or: Who’s responsible for this girl?

Me: I think this is going pretty well.

Date: You dropped a chicken wing down your shirt and yelled ‘chicken breast!’

Me: *mouth full of pasta* mm-hmm

my grandpa: this pizza has no toppings

me: close the box, turn it over, & open it again

my grandpa: well i’ll be damned

why would I work from home when i don’t even work from work

Cabinet installer arrested, charged with counter fitting.