Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’m doing zoom therapy at my mom’s house while she’s in the other room so I guess it’s dad’s fault today

Oh well….there’s always tomorrow!
#hopespringseternal

HER: A man at work saved someone’s life today.

*flashback to me finding a dollar in the laundry*

ME: I also have big news.

Libra: Many good things are in store for you! Unfortunately, the store is closed for repairs.

Mike Tyson’s apartment building

People don’t frolic enough anymore.
FROLIC YOU PIECES OF SHIT

At the dr’s office: “So, do you think this is a hemorrhoid?”

My therapist:

“I MUST tell you,” said a lady with breathless excitement, stopping us suddenly as we walked down Bermondsey Street last night, “I MUST tell you that you are wearing the same clothes as that building.” and skipped off

*Whispers in random chicks ear

“I have pizza in the van”

Every year, my childless (by choice) brother tries to find the most annoying toy on the planet to send to my kids for Christmas. So this year for his gift, I’m sending the kids for a visit and to keep them entertained, I’m sending all the toys, too.

ignore the news reports that say bees have learned how to use the internet. they are lies. bees sting us because they love us. bees are safe inside our warm homes. a bee did not write this

“Pick a card, any card, make sure you memorize it, now put it back with the rest”: me, with my wife at the Hallmark Store on Valentine’s Day

I should start a wine company and name the bottles things like “don’t be sad” “he’s not worth it” “you deserve better”!

Calling bullshit on movies. Not once have I walked into a public restroom and found a gun taped to the back of the toilet.

The shower scene from Psycho, but instead of a knife, Norman Bates is wielding a ferocious Chihuahua

KID:Dad what’s the difference between a gerbil and a rat

DAD WHO IS A MAFIA BOSS:A gerbil sleeps in a cage and a rat sleeps with the fishes

Zombie: Braaaains
Me: What’s the magic word?
Zombie:
Me:
Zombie:
Me:
Zombie (embarrassed): ᴾˡᵉᵉᵉᵉᵃˢˢˢᵉ

I just ran out in front of a deer just to see how they fuckin like it.

*THE BIRTH OF PHILOSOPHY*

THAG: How can CAVE be a thing when CAVE is by definition absence of rock?

THURG: *gnawing dinosaur leg* Haha Thag never find mate.

Toto: I blessed Lorraine down in Africa

Adele: I set fire to Lorraine

Johnny Nash: I can see clearly now, Lorraine is gone

Lorraine: Stop it

Me: Things are going well. *knocks on wood*

5-year-old: Who’s there?

Me: It’s not a knock knock joke.

5: It’s not a knock knock joke who?

Architects should try and design a house with no yelling

doctor: [pulling out anal beads]
me: this is embarrassing
doctor: sorry I should have done it before you arrived

DAD: when your grandpa died we planted that tree so we don’t forget him

ME: cool

[later]

TREE: You still remember grandpa chuck?

ME: yeah

TREE: cool just checkin

I’ve never been camping but one time I ordered something from Amazon that wasn’t Prime Eligible.

Based on my experience with trying to find the restroom at Kohl’s, I would die first in the Hunger Games.

Gonna install a mirror inside my fridge so that every time I open it to look for a snack, it’s always there.

Why is it when someone asks if you’ve lost weight you immediately feel like eating a dozen donuts to celebrate.

Sex at my age is like cooking spaghetti noodles;

At first, it doesn’t seem like much, but any more, and you’re in over your head.