Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

if i were a cab driver, i’d scream “ROAD TRIP” every time i got a passenger

Stop right there babe, you need permission to enter the pillow fort.

Person: “Are you in a wheelchair in your dreams?”

Me [from my wheelchair]: “Are you stupid in yours?”

My family is driving me more nuts than usual. If you find me wandering the streets in a daze, please don’t return me home.

[Playing piano to impress a Russian girl]
“Do you like it?”
Her: That’s sheet music
“Yes, it is.”
Her: Now excuse me, I huv to take a sheet.

Putting “perfect for sharing” on bigger bags of crisps is all well and good, but maybe consider an accompanying range with “ideal for emptying into a nosebag and hoovering up into your big fat face” on it, cos I would buy the shit out of those.

A new study finds that sausages are often linked to other sausages

Trying to decide what to burn for dinner so I can order pizza

Drinking 8 glasses of water isn’t easy, but I get really thirsty when I eat Funyuns. So problem solved. It feels good to be healthy.

Sneaking into my neighbour’s home just to raid the kitchen and then accidently setting the house on fire is how I will end up in prison.

I wipe my counters with raw chicken breasts because I refuse to have weak children.

I bet the first mohawk was created by a guy trying to even out his sideburns.

I’m extremely grateful that spiders don’t scream back.

“Ruh roh” says Scooby as the cops pull the van over. Shaggy looks at the kilos of heroin in the back, sighs, and pulls out a machine gun.

Every time “Cops” comes on I’m like “PLEASE don’t show my episode.”

[ER: Goth Unit]
Nurse: Doctor, the patient is starting to smile
Doctor: God damnit NOT ON MY WATCH I WANT 500 CCS OF JOY DIVISION NOW

WIFE: *holding pregnancy test* well this is unexpected

ME: *rubbing wife’s tummy* can we discuss a different name?

ME: who’s a good boy
*kissy noises*
DOG: I just murdered the cat
ME: you are, yes you are
*rubs dog’s head*
DOG: you’re next buddy

Me: “I’d like to pay by card.”
Waiter: “Contactless?”
Me: “No, you can cuddle me.”

Don’t perform CPR because you never know when a giant alien spider is dressed in a human suit.

i have a mamma skunk with babies living under my deck so don’t talk to me about moral dilemmas

I’ve bought tickets to all One Directions upcoming gigs.They’re not my cup of tea but the tickets say The Doors open at 7:15 and i love them

What happened to the metaverse? Are people still stuck in there? How can I help?

my husband had a friend over for drinks last night and i woke up to this and what the hell happened?????

Heartbreaking: Introvert sentenced to 100 hours of hanging out.

[petting a cat]

Owner: He’s my little fur baby

Me: Oh ok, so you must be his skin mommy

I fell down the stairs earlier but thank god my dogs were there to wag their tails and step on me

i hate daylight savings. it’s gonna take me weeks to stop writing the wrong time on my checks.

boss: somebody stole the office thesaurus

me: I perceive your concern however I am not cognizant of the perpetrator

I would’ve gotten away with saving money if it weren’t for those meddling kids!