[I time travel and bring back Shakespeare]
SHAKESPEARE: What’s this?
ME: That’s a meme
SHAKESPEARE: What the hell is wrong with you people
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they said marry your best friend but then got all weird when I proposed to my dog pick a lane
My 5yo is writhing on the ground with her legs in the air screaming into a blanket while we wait for our food delivery.
It’s like looking in a mirror.
Mom? I think I know my Halloween costume for this year.
-My daughter’s favorite phrase from November through approximately late September
For today’s Florida story, I bring you Michael Marolla, who was just arrested in Collier County with a live alligator in the bed of his pickup, two firearms, and multiple syringes loaded with meth.
How do mathematicians plot their leg day workouts?
With quad-ratic equations.
*strips naked*
“Magic mirror on the wall, who’s the fairest of them all?”
Cops: he knows we can see him from this side, right?
Somebody asked me for a topless picture so I sent this and I can’t stop laughing about it.
Every so often I’ll tell my son the car is making strange noises and that I need to listen just to get a break from hearing him talk.
My friend got stung by a jellyfish so I took a massive shit on his leg & he forgot all about the jellyfish.
So done with NPR. Every time I call to request a song, they NEVER play it.
“I” before “E”, except after “C”. That’s an efficient rule. Very efficient. Yep…efficient.
My driver’s license says I’m an organ donor but jokes on them because I have a piano.
My son is explaining why my daughter is crying but I’m not buying it as I don’t think she can even say, “Please kick me in the face”.
I want this Valentines Day to be special. Just give me a hint. Tell me what will make you happy. I’ll do anything.
*me, talking to my dogs
If I was a criminal my calling card at the scene would be an empty strip of antidepressants and the cops would be like ‘wow she motivated herself long enough to rob this bank, good for her.’
I purposely bought a small house so I could say “I’m sorry, I don’t have any room”
cut negativity out of your life. delete Facebook. block your landlord’s number. uninstall your banking app. stop paying taxes. forget math. self care.
I never have road rage, but if you have crooked bumper stickers, it’s on.
Instead of butterfly kisses, I give you moth kisses. They’re crazy, frantic, all over the place- and quite honestly, you’re terrified.
I refuse to wear a mask into the store. “Ma’am, we can’t let you in here,” one of the associates explains. I storm off in a huff. The year is 2005, and I am once again too ugly to buy cream cheese
What idiot called them atheists instead of non-parishables?
one day, after your children have moved out, you realize it was your husband who you needed to hide the good cookies from all along
Me – You almost ready?
Wife – Just a few more minutes. What time do we have to be there?
Me – Yesterday at 7.
One-ply toilet paper really feels like you’re wiping with a wish
reading Agatha Christie has ruined me for all other books. there are no murders in the first chapter? a child isn’t offed at a Hallowe’en party? nobody falls in love on a train? rewrite this please
There was a moth on my computer screen so I googled “what eats moths?” and found a picture of a bat. I moved the picture around the screen to try and simulate flying. The moth was undisturbed but my experiments continue.
[being haunted]
Me: *tries to text ghostbusters*
Ghost: actually you have to call them, they’re pretty specific about that
Me:
Ghost:
Me: you know what being haunted is fine
First thing I do in the 10 items or less line is count the number of items the person in front of me has.