[I time travel and bring back Shakespeare]
SHAKESPEARE: What’s this?
ME: That’s a meme
SHAKESPEARE: What the hell is wrong with you people
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The mid 90s teen aesthetic is making a comeback and I’m here for it- as a 40 year old who’s never actually outgrown the phase
[running away from killer]
KILLER: YOU’RE GONNA TRIP ON YOUR SHOELACES THEN I’LL GET U
ME: MY SHOES ARE VELCRO
KILLER: NOOOOOOOOOOOO
[the first couples argument]
Adam: It’s Christmas Eve.
Eve: No, you idiot. Christmas is tomorrow.
Hello 911?
Yeah, my wife accidentally fell off a cruise ship 3 months ago
I just released my own fragrance.
Now everyone in the car is pissed off.
SO GOOD NEWS EVERYBODY MY SON HAS LEARNED HOW TO WHISTLE
Got my son to paint our fence by telling him it was his first karate class.
‘You probably need to pee soon, huh?’
~The monster under my bed
“A little help here, Danny?”
Ever smell a permanent marker and accidently color the tip of your nose black?
Related: They’re called permanent markers for a reason.
My son uses eating utensils with the accuracy and success of the most rigged claw crane game.
Wife: is he okay?!
Doctor: he will be fin-
Me: *slips him $20*
Doctor: he’ll never walk again
Me: *acting surprised* oh no, and on the day we were gonna put up the Christmas lights!
My husband washed the dog with my expensive shampoo again. I sure hope that crate is big enough for both of them to sleep in tonight.
Aliens: take me to your leader
Me: Hey babe, is it okay if we have company?
[God creating pufferfish]
How about a terrifying balloon
Once in your life, you’ll come across a special person that makes you think the prison food will be worth it.
Once my wife accidentally put in the wrong gate code to get into my parents neighborhood. The guy who answered was extremely rude and made both her and my daughter cry. I now purposely put in his code every time I visit just to make his phone ring.
Will I be able to follow Children of the Corn if I didn’t see the prequels, Babies of the Corn and Toddlers of the Corn?
I think we all know that one person who seems to make it a daily goal to incorporate every color of the rainbow in their outfit.
Me: I hate math.
Also me: If I cut my shower down to three minutes and breakfast down to five, I can hit the nine-minute snooze three more times and only be five minutes late.
“Nothing suspicious about Jeffrey Epstein death” says medical examiner Eprey Jeffstein
When I was young I wanted to be married by 25, but now I think I’ll be married by 30 (I’m 41 for context)
There’s so much pollen in the air covering everything with a blanket of yellow dust that I thought my wife went blonde.
Socks try to be monogamous but most end up either single or having multiple different partners.
Never feel more attractive than when my picture of cornbread gets almost as many likes as my selfie. “She’s ok, but she’s no cornbread.”
[watching murder documentary]
Her: That’s not how I would have done it.
Me: *never sleeps again*
We should double tap 2020 to make sure it’s really dead
Do you think when Spider-Man gets stoned with Batman and the Hulk he sometimes thinks the spider on his chest is real and freaks out?
My 2022 Resolutions:
1. Don’t die
2. Race a sloth
3. Develop new trust issues
4. Offend more people by being myself
5. Don’t use hashtags
6. Keep tweeting crap like this
I was fightin’ this daylight savings shit but this morning I planted twelve acres of soybeans and fed the cows. Didn’t even know I had cows but there they were.