[I time travel to 1998]
Guy: This is the first showing of Mulan, how does that dude in the front row already know the words to all the songs
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You can’t hurt me. You aren’t my GF coming back after 3 days away, only to walk past me to say hello to the dogs first.
My husband keeps watching a tv show while complaining about how boring it is, & now I understand how he’s stayed married to me for so long.
5 and 11 months: When I was a baby six years ago I was happy.
Me: You weren’t born yet then.
5: No, I mean when I was in your tummy. I didn’t have to do anything I didn’t want and it was dark and warm.
Me: *Sigh* And you didn’t fight with me on eating your dinner either.
My ex says he’s dating someone new but according to his Instagram she’s a sandwich
The person who pitched the puss in boots solo movie did so with ‘shrekless abandon.’
THERAPIST: are you still using euphemisms to get friends to go jogging
ME: no one ever wants to have the runs with me
* flirting with disaster
disaster: Gross
Science tip: you can distinguish an alligator from a crocodile by paying attention to whether the animal sees you later or in a while.
Someone asked me if I’d found my soulmate and I was like lol I cant even find my debit card.
The trick to doing crimes is to wait until after 5pm when all the police have gone home for the day
Me: It appears our thoughts have verbally crossed streams once again
Friend: why can’t you just say jinx?
if you want to know how much i love freedom i don’t have an oven we just shoot our food with guns until it is warm enough to eat
Found my missing cardigan when my sister posted a FB pic of her wearing it.
interviewer: describe yourself in one word
me: great listener
Teaching my son to use social media for the first time ever, since he can’t see his friends. We’re working on the fine art of conversation and how not to respond to every girl with “sup.”
Secret admirer got a raise! Finally, decent chocolates.
*gets hit by car*
me: it’s ok buddy can happen to anyone*friend says I’ll call you right back and doesn’t*
me: there can be no forgiveness for this
#Caturday
For my new tattoo, I’m totally getting a chest piece of a chess piece, cause its fun to be a pun.
If Bugs Bunny was as sarcastic in real life as he was in the cartoons I’d be like, “HOLY SHIT A TALKING RABBIT!”
[Married Pillow Talk]
Husband: Tell me what you want.
Me: I want you to fix the kitchen faucet.
Went to P-T conferences yesterday and my 9yo was a hit with her teachers. She’s sweet, kind and hardworking. They even said “Great job mom and dad”.
This is the same 9yo who I once told to stop being loud, so she spitefully told Alexa to fart 47 times.
Panic buying, kids off school, businesses shutting down, stuck in the house with your family for days on end…
It’s basically shitty Christmas.
CEO: we need to cut legal in half
Legal: i’m the only one here
CEO: yep
Black Friday is the Christian holiday where Jesus rose from the grave at 4am to get in line to purchase a discounted HDTV for his Father.
[last night]
*does dozens of squats to impress a cute guy at the gym*[this morning]
*takes half an hour to get down a flight of stairs*
[Lying on a bed of expensive Vitctoria’s Secret panties]
Me: This is absolutely magnificent.
[Alarm clock sounds. Wakes up on a bed of dollar store panties]
Me: This is pretty alright I guess.
if you ever wanna impress a girl just bring a baby on your date and then basically just outperform the baby at everything it’s really easy
Is this a threat?
