Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Chaperoned my son’s field trip to the farm today. Didn’t lose any children! But this fluffy kid has been clucking the whole bus ride home…

while pouring my morning coffee it just occurred to me that the name of rapper/singer Flo Rida is a play on Florida, the state where he’s from. I’m starting to understand why I never got a response to my Mensa application

I didn’t get far in Mario. I thought the guy floating on the cloud was God so I just accepted it when he threw shit at me

I wanted to feel like a kid again so I soaked every towel getting out of the shower and trashed the bathroom.

if you wanna be my lover you gotta get with my chins

I don’t understand people in the entertainment industry who have affairs with their manager. I feel like all my managers’ texts would just be them telling me it’s not a great market for sex at the moment

I refer to one of my neighbors as the “older lady on the end,” but it turns out she’s like my age.

Welcome to parenthood. The expression “slept like a baby” doesn’t mean what you think it means.

if we’re bringing back satanic panic can we do a throwback to 80’s grocery prices too

Critics are raving about Mud. “It’s like dirt but wet” says one. “Oh god it’s in my eyes” says another

Dear neighbor who mows his yard early in the morning tomorrow,

I found my bagpipes for tonight.

Sorry I missed your call, the frogs had my phone again.

You ever eat fish and chips at the aquarium and get the feeling you’re being watched?

One of the moms at school pickup always yells “hi, chicken nugget” to her kid, and that’s a level of parental embarrassment I can only aspire to

God, grant me the serenity to accept this stolen property, the courage to sell it on eBay, and the wisdom to not get caught.

Standing outside your window holding a rotisserie chicken above my head.

People are like snowflakes. Individually small and ineffective, but if we work together we can make my step dad crash his car into a tree.

I like to hang out with people way out of my league so no one catches feelings.

If aliens come I hope they bring us a new animal to eat. I’ve about had it with beef and chicken.

Me: guess who I bumped into at the store

My wife: [holding my glasses] everyone

You never really forget how to misquote sayings. It’s like buying a bicycle

It’s bad when the hackers try to return your stolen identity.

[ DURING SEX ]

Me: Who’s a bad hand!?

I’m not racist. White people scare me too.

My new year’s resolution is 1920 × 1080.

I got my patience from waiting half the day to download a song from Limewire

since you’re having surgery tomorrow, get here early and remember no eating after midnight
“because of nausea?”
no, because you’re a gremlin

Amazon will acquire Roomba and there’s nothing scary about Alexa on wheels.

Movie where someone thinks they’re a ghost and the plot twist is they were alive the whole time

friend got a quirky ouija board rug for her house and now i mainly hang out there waiting for the roomba to summon demons and shit.