I tink there’s a deal going down in your backyard!
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Lies I tell at work:
~ I’m sorry I said that
~ I didn’t mean to offend you
~ It won’t happen again
~ Of course I don’t think you’re an idiot
It’s so hot outside, Kermit just replaced Miss Piggy’s sunscreen with honey glaze
Me: They say God gives the hardest battles to his strongest warriors.
God: I am begging you to stop fighting with people on the internet.
I cannot stop laughing at this
people flirting in your comments are like bats writing love notes to eachother in the smoke of your dumpster fire
when I’m having a bad day as a parent, I just remind myself that plenty of animals won’t hesitate to eat their kids, so really I’m in gold star territory
Hey gang, let’s talk about what has gone right today.
Ok, good talk. See you tomorrow.
I like a baked potato because the name is the instructions.
GIRLFRIEND: How am I gonna tell my dad I’m pregnant?
ME: Leave that to me.
[later, at dinner]
HER DAD: *grabs chest* I’m having a heart attack.
ME: Oh no! Grandpa’s 😉 having a heart attack 😉
BREAKING NEWS:
Sting has been kidnapped.The Police have no lead.
Husband: You don’t need to wear makeup, babe.
Me: (dressed as a witch) Thanks.
if a beer is 8 bucks it’s a show
if a beer is 14 bucks it’s a concert
“My favorite New Year’s resolution was to stop trying to reason with unreasonable people. This has reduced both my correspondence and my blood pressure.”
[ER]
*covered in blood holding eyeball
Name?
Stacy
What’s wrong?
*nods to eyeball
Looking at the chart, rate your pain
I’m the winky face
Based on my date’s reaction, they should really call them “Unhappy Meals.”
Bruce Willis in Starbucks. he gives his name as “not Bruce Willis” and when they call him he grabs his coffee and runs away giggling
Me: Honey, I’m going on a burrito run, you want something:
Her: No, thanks I’m not hungry.
Me: *Buys her her own burrito cause I ain’t dumb*
Becoming my own secret santa by forgetting the purchases i made in the middle of the night half asleep.
Don’t worry little groundhog, when I stick my head outside and see what’s going on in the world today I run back inside and hide too.
GUY: I wish girls liked comics.
GIRL: I love comics.
GUY: Oh really? Then what’s the Hulk’s favorite flavor ice cream?
Cop: You were going 30 over the speed limit
Me: Are you sure about that?
*gives him a handful of Cheez-Its*
Cop: Have a nice day, sir.
Me: *paddles kayak in circles until someone comes out to help me*
Them: You need some help out here?
Me: Can you bring me a beer?
If you enjoy eating cereal with the 8 drops of milk that was left in the carton, then kids may be for you.
If by cat person you mean I like to sleep all day and poo in sand then yes I am a cat person.
hey it’s me, the girl who just googled “chemistry alphabet” when i meant “periodic table”
it’s cool when a dessert has a hint of something, like i’m biting into a tart and suddenly it goes “your wife’s death was not an accident”
[sees my pet ant crawl into the room where my wife and I are arguing] we can’t do this in front of her
Decided to stop saying “please subscribe” in my videos and it’s working. No new subscribers.
My son screamed “watch out dad” in the crosswalk bc of a blatantly obvious car 😭. I said thanks. He said, “i couldnt let my dad get squished bc i might not like my step dad”