I tink there’s a deal going down in your backyard!
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Day 3 of quarantine: I haven’t showered for weeks
The universe: “Everything happens for a reason”
Me:
Got 7yo a cellular device so he could make emergency calls.
Yesterday’s emergency call: 4yo won’t eat her shrimp after I said she had to and he wanted to make sure I knew. 🍤
Can Jesus turn off his walking on water power, or when he dives into a swimming pool would he just bounce across the surface like a skipping stone?
Today’s religious debate is brought to you by…
I mean, technically aren’t we all “foodies”? I’ve never met anyone who’s like “nothing for me waiter, I’ll just photosynthesize”.
all stores should have bathrooms in the front AND the back. the chances my kid will use the conveniently placed front bathroom when we first walk in are 0. The chances he’ll want to use one is when we’re 2 miles in the back of the store is 100.
The squirrels of Grand Canyon might be cute. But they’ll beg. They’ll steal. They’ll bite. They’ll do anything to get what you want. So don’t trust them. Don’t approach them. And don’t give them anything—or they might take everything. – BM
Concierge: Sorry, there is no record of your reservation and we have no spare rooms
Mary: Ok that does it, I want to see your manger
It’s actually a good thing money doesn’t grow on trees because I’ve killed every plant I’ve ever owned.
7: mom look I got my math test back!
me: you got 35 out of 35 that’s 100% im so proud of you!
7: cool, so 35 and 35 is 100?
me: …like I said, said proud…
[at a dinner party]
Me: I saw a UFO once
Wife: It was a frisbee
Me: At the park
Wife: Frisbee
Me: I took a pic
Wife: Of a frisbee in the air
Me: *shows pic*
Friend: Looks like a…
Wife: Frisbee
My boss: *flicks ash off cigarette* So I says to her, I says “Relax, babe, I only objectify hot chicks. You’re safe” lol
HR: *scribbling furiously* Slow down, I don’t want to miss any- AARGH! HAND CRAMP!
Genie: If you say another word, your going to die.
Me: ʸᵒᵘ’ʳᵉ
Wind chimes are a bit like children. You can enjoy the sounds of your own but everyone else’s is like a cheese grater on sunburnt skin.
phew
I’m glad my bed can’t speak because it has seen me in some weird positions
Date etiquette: The smaller fork is a salad fork. Use the larger fork to eat the salad fork.
Since it’s hunting season, we are allowed to shoot the cars with the antlers on them, right?
A news story said Taylor Swift’s relationship to Travis Kelce was fake.
~me explaining to my boss why I need a personal day
1yo: Jesus Jesus Jesus!
Me: OMG are you saying Jesus!?
1yo: Jesus!
Me:Oh my God….
1yo: Jesus!
Me: she’s…. a prophet!
1yo: Jesus!!
Me: Show me! Where is Jesus!
1yo:*points* Jesus!!
Me: cheez-its??… cheez-its! You want cheez-its?
1yo: yes! Jesus.
That kid that said “if the teacher doesnt show up in 15 minutes, we are legally allowed to leave” is in prison now.
I wish my ears would visibly lay back like a cats when I’m pissed off so people would know when to leave me the hell alone.
This is why I avoid Dollar Tree crayons…
My favorite part of having a German shepherd has to be when folks meet her, and she sniffs their pockets, I can say stuff like: ‘I hope you don’t have any drugs on you…’ and watch the fear in their eyes while they try to remember the last time they had drugs in their pockets.
Whose bad idea was it to text him a 4th time just in case his phone was being weird?
Tequila, I’m looking at you.
My parents told me I could be anything I wanted so I became unacceptable
my kid has a friend over for the first time in more than a year and i overheard them say “i missed you,” and was moved with how emotionally open they were being until i walked in the room and saw they were playing battleship
me: *starts the washer*
me, two minutes later: what’s that noise
ME: what is an IV for
ROMAN: yes