I tink there’s a deal going down in your backyard!
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I think my daughter is starting to take a dim view of Santa because she’s asking things like “can the elves leave if they want” and “does he help make toys or does he just sit there”
Called in, “I’m a time traveler. I came in today yesterday.”
Sometimes? I’m slipping
INTERVIEWER: So…that’s it. Any questions for me?
ME: Do boxer dogs actually punch?
I: um no that’s not
ME: I bet they use a puppercut
What do we want?
SNACKS!When do we want em?
AFTER DINNER!– kids.
wife: Why don’t we run through the parking lot?
me [laying on the ground in front of the car that hit me] Because it’s dangerous
If Jehovah’s witnesses brought red wine and Pringles with them, I’d gladly let them in to spend an afternoon chatting about religion.
1) Pull black socks to knees 2) Wear sandals 3) Wear Magnum PI shorts 4) Make ball sack slightly visible
-Grandpa’s guide to lawn mowing
Filming myself playing the violin like it’s a cello to catfish the giant community
The gardener at my work put beer in the garden to catch slugs
SO GUESS WHO JUST BECAME A SLUG
I’m forced to conclude that not liking my tweets is a you problem.
Cop: Do you know how fast you were going?
Me: Sorry, no, I fell asleep. Did I win?
a depressed madame curie is a sighentist.
Cost me $200 to fill up my tank tonight. Don’t know why I bought a tank, so impractical.
love those YouTube videos that are like “doctor reacts to brutal superhero deaths” because they’re always like “yup you would definitely die if you got decapitated because your body needs a brain to survive. subscribe for more medical facts”
Husband: Honey, is it called an octopus because it has eight pu-
Wife: No
“I don’t buy flowers for girls because they die” yeah well so do the flowers
if i ever have to work at McDonald’s, i want to be the person who sits on the hamburgers.
Yo. I spit out my drink 😂
“Can you cook dinner tonight?”
Can’t. New meds say I can’t operate any heavy machinery and that stove doesn’t look light
Dr Raygun has achieved a feat absolutely unheard of in academia – people are reading her thesis
hello i have a very silly piece about hot dogs in the new yorker today!
you can read the whole thing here:
I bet the skeletons, in my gay coworker’s closet, are having a dress up party with fabulous clothes.
wife: honey did you see the new player piano I bought
me: *stops googling can ghosts play the piano* yes I did
A cell phone with a low battery is nothing more than a damn-cell in distress
“Something in the way she doesn’t move” – necrophiliacs
waiter: would you like a box
me: how is it prepared
The Notebook (2004) A stranger harasses a nursing home resident with stories about people she doesn’t know (PG-13 2hr 3min)
MAYOR’S TIP: before you spend 20 minutes blowing an air mattress, make sure it’s really an air mattress, and not Gary hiding under a blanket