I tiptoe near my medicine cabinet bc I don’t want to wake my sleeping pills.
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[eulogy] “Before we get started I’d like to ask Jenny, Dawn, Rachel, the deceased’s 2 sons and the entire front row to put down your phones”
The inside of my closet looks like a doctor prescribed me cardigans
everybody’s gangsta until seaweed touches their leg
“And the Oscar for Best Actress goes to…..Beyoncé?”
*Kanye slowly sits down*
hands across america, but it’s just my kid touching every damn surface he sees
[christmas break with my extended family]
*me in Oprah voice* YOU NEED A THERAPIST AND YOU NEED A THERAPIST! EVERYBODY NEEDS A THERAPIST!
HONEY QUICK COME HERE THERE’S A COMMERCIAL ABOUT MENOPAUSE
I like how commercials for gum seem to be predicting a cold, dystopian future where our survival depends on the freshness of our breath.
“I JUST WANT TO PUT A BABY IN YOU!”
-me, trying to put a crib together
Hub: Still mad?
Me: Jack & Jill went up the hill
H: To fetch a pail of water
M: Jack fell down & died a violent death
Hub: Ok, still mad
I had to call some kid’s mom last night to tell her he’s selling pot, and that it’s waaay overpriced.
Jeff is here!
“Jeff from work or Jeff the guy who announces his arrival anytime he enters a room”
Jeff is here!
Me: I taught the dog to say the 7 deadly sins
Wife: No you didn’t
Dog: Ruff
Me: See, wrath!
Wife: He said ruff! You can’t teach a dog to
Dog: Gluttony
Wife: Holy shit
[Wedding Open Bar in my 20s]
Woohoo! Imma get sooo wasted!![Wedding Open Bar in my 40s]
Woohoo! Imma save maybe $11!
ME: I dreamed about you last night
PIZZA DELIVERY GUY: please just sign your receipt so I can leave, sir
I forgot the word “turkey”so I asked the butcher for 20 pounds of oversized angry bird gobble gobble meat.
Just realized the little piggy that went to market was NOT just going shopping so I’mma need to shut it down for a day.
As we debated who would win between Vader and Gandalf, we suddenly realized our dates had left
I’m not saying it would kill me to work out, I’m just saying my wife bought me a gym membership and doubled my life insurance…
[knocks on widow’s door]
Me: my condolences. Your husband was a good man with a wonderful set of golf clubs that he won’t be needing anymore
“It’s not what it looks like,” I say to the bunny noticing my slippers.
I feel sorry for all those girls bragging that they don’t have a gag reflex. They’ll probably die choking on an Olive Garden bread stick.
Lost 4 stone and feel great, but it started with a trip to India where I got the shits, came back and everyone said well done on diet, had to carry on as I didn’t want to explain about the shits.
*Throws all 900 baby items in garbage*
*Buys Magic 8 Ball*
*Whispers*, This is how we raise you now.
What if we’re all misreading this photo and the lobsterwoman is so powerful that she’s actually summoning a lobster out of the ocean into the boat.
“You look tired”
Well you’re crap at compliments.
So no pizza place on Ninja Turtles ever questioned the delivery address being “The Sewer”
Art teacher: I think you’ve misunderstood. It’s the models who will be nude.
Me: Well this is awkward.