Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

While the Americans are in a food coma, we should switch Twitter and Facebook displays around. Give their hearts a jumpstart.

Finished my book on how to fall down the stairs, it’s a step by step guide.

Friend: did you know that only female mosquitos bite?

*later walking home*

Me, getting eaten alive: evening ladies

My neighbors got so weird when I asked how many bodies they thought were buried in their yard. I meant roughly, not like an exact number.

I opened a card at my desk that was decorated with glitter and now my coworkers think I have a night job.

Before couples have children, they should walk head-on into a Category 5 hurricane to make sure they’re ready.

Life Hack: If you carry around a 14 inch kitchen knife, almost everything is free.

Her: Isn’t she your girlfriend?

Me: No, No, No, I broke up with her two days ago. She just hasn’t checked her voice mail yet…

Me: My wife got me a telescope for Christmas.

Neighbor: Nice. I got-

Me: I know. I watched you guys open everything.

🤣🤣

ME: we have a problem, they’re out of hot dogs

HER: that’s ok, i’m vegan

ME: ok we have two problems

Me in my 20’s:
I don’t want to leave the house if my Victoria’s Secret bra doesn’t match my thong.

Me in my 40’s:
I don’t want to leave the house.

(looking up the ending of LOST on wikipedia) ohhhh now i understand. this is a free online encyclopedia

I don’t care what Bruce Lee said, entering a dragon is just poor advice.

My wife and I role play “The Fast and the Furious” in bed. Me and her, respectively.

Seize the day. Attack the week. Murder the month. Approach your life in a generally violent way.

On the next “Unsolved Mysteries” my wife and I investigate how there aren’t enough hangers for the clothes we washed when they were on hangers before we wore them.

Looks at the shower

At least YOU get turned on when I’m naked

when mom throws a party…

Of all the essential oils WD40 is the essentialist.

“we will go ahead and make these changes if we don’t hear from you before friday” is such an elegant way to solve problems

me: [puts a snorkel and flippers on my horse]

water polo ref: still no

Working on a screen play that involves zombies invading a prom. I’m calling it “Prom Nom Nom”

Today, nobody showed up to my 8.15am class.

0 students of about 40. Sitting in the empty room, I email them, trying to disguise my hurt feelings.

2 mins later, I get a reply: “Professor, we think you might be in the wrong room.” So anyway off I go to live in a hole forever.

My favorite thing to do at a rock and roll concert is to yell “kiss, kiss, kiss” every time the guitarists stand close together and face each other to riff

I don’t envy mama birds for how they have to feed their babies, but the pushing them out of the nest part sounds fun.

This day in history. 1973. Pablo Picasso died in France leaving behind his wife, 4 children, and a dog with piano key teeth and a halibut for a tail.

Cupcakes are for people who don’t have the dedication and stamina to eat a whole cake!

Losers.

This hospital has everything

Financial Advisor: You should think about diversifying your assets.

Me: You mean like buying shorts that aren’t cargo?