I tiptoe near my medicine cabinet bc I don’t want to wake my sleeping pills.
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Air Bud but from the perspective of a kid on the losing team that has to explain to his overbearing father he lost to a dog.
Coke Zero sounds like a government pledge to eliminate fizzy drinks by 2030.
[on first date]
I’ll have an iced tea, please.
Waiter: Sure. Ummm…anything for the balloon with a woman’s face drawn on it?
I’m at a kids fun park and let me just emphasize that the word “fun” is used loosely here.
Maybe it’s not auto correct, mayve it’s your big fat clumsy dingers.
I don’t normally take my kids grocery shopping with me, but today I thought, “Oh, why not?” Then my 6yo grabbed a whisk from a display of cooking utensils and yelled “It’s time for your daily beating!” at my 9yo and I was like, “OH, RIGHT.”
11:34: Arrived at crime scene
11:34: Examined body. Signs of a struggle
11:34: Found murder weapon in drain
11:34: Realized watch was broken
Called in sick to work one day. Saw one of my students at the beach. We nodded as we both realized we were skipping my class. #IGotCaught
*Tries to hit the gym*
*Gym hits back*
First time flying huh?
-Yeah how could you tell?
Just a hunch. You wanna come down to your seat? The overhead bin is typically for luggage.
[First day as a hacker]
Boss: what’s taking so long?
Me: adobe needs updating
[Looks up from Rubik’s Cube] It’s two thousand and what now??
If my wife takes any longer to get ready to go out, she’ll need to go and shave her legs again!!
Who called it a yes man and not an indulge gent
Given the American diet, don’t you think we’d have greater success locating missing children if we put their faces on liters of soda?
“Don’t look a gift horse in the mouth,” I whisper as I discover my strange mole is actually a half melted chocolate chip.
* deletes account
*reactivates
AND, ONE MORE THING…
Don’t judge me because it said “family size” and I ate the whole thing.
It might have been meant for a really small family.
Do you think it’s possible to train a hedgehog to walk up an down the table with cubes of cheese on it’s spikes? I’m giving a dinner party.
Quick shout-out to @funTweeters. The “aggregators” and “parodies” could learn a thing or two from this account. It’s aggregation done right.
Sing like no one’s listening
Dance like no one’s watching
Rub up against the bus stop like no one’s going to call the police
Online dating is like having your option to date anyone inside of a Walmart
thought i was going straight into retirement after high school with all that beanie baby money.
Clerk: What do you do at work?
Me: Write stupid jokes on Twitter.
Clerk: You can get paid for that?
Me: Hell no. That’s why I do it at work.
I’m just gonna go ahead and change my boys names to “Stop making that stupid noise” and “Where are your shoes?”.
doctor: you’re completely blind
me: what are you saying
doctor: april fools lol you’re actually deaf
me: what
doctor: oh right
I can’t believe there’s this yearly Halloween panic about houses giving out good drugs when people won’t even spring for full-size Snickers
Going to pronounce fecal like decal
You didn’t make the team.
*me as your life coach