Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

What.

I wish there was some sort of idiom to describe how easily I just took that lollipop from that infant.

Was decorating the front yard last night and one of the neighborhood kids tried to deflate me.

which bird do you think most deserves to be punched in the face and why is it a goose

Roses are red,
except for all of the other colors of roses that have been in existence for thousands of years. Those are different colors.

My husband and I are bonding over how much we hate our marriage therapist, so I think it’s working?

[creation of trees]

god: when it’s warm you’ll be covered in leaves

tree: like a big coat?

god: yes but when it’s cold they’ll all fall off

tree: (eyes narrow) how long have you been doing this job

DIET JOURNAL
DAY 1: A little hungry. Stayed within my calories. I can do this.
DAY 4: A humpback whale responded to my stomach growls.

customer behind me in line: hey I think your phone is ringing

me: oh *declines it* thank you

Dating app for hypochondriacs called Twinge.

Thoughts while driving:

-Hope that light stays green.

-Hope it stays yellow.

-Hope no one saw me run that red light.

If you glue a dead wasp to your palm, you can smack your boss on the back of the head as hard as you want and act like you saved him.

“With all due respect is the polite version of ‘listen here you little shit’”

asked my therapist who their therapist was and went to see them. asked them the same thing until i got to the final boss therapist and defeated them with my trainwreck of a life

Never in my wildest dreams have I imagined myself entering a bank, wearing a mask, and asking for money.

Aquaman is part fish, if you want to kill him just overfeed him.

3am

Me: *wakes up for no reason*

Anxiety and Insomnia: *fighting*

Bladder: We should pee.

Stomach: PEANUT BUTTER!

Just reminded when my mate went to a bday party in the US, didn’t know many people & was shy – so when they sang happy birthday she rly decided to get into the “hip hip hooray!”without realising they don’t do it there. Went from quiet to all of a sudden SCREAMING hip hip hooray

That’s fair

My university sends requests for money four times a year, so I send them my face in a dog filter.

*opens door
*finds flower petals and candles leading to bedroom
*calls cops to report a break in

[Commercial for X-Games]

Drank too much Red Bull? Want to prove it?

My doctor says I only have one diabete.

Checks for abs
Finds an M&M

Job interviewer: “Why do you want to join the Secret Service?”

Me: “It’s a secret.”

Job interviewer: “You got the job.”

People always ask me if my problem kid is the middle child but my husband is the oldest.

Sure I feel bad for Marty McFly having to take his mum to the dance so his parents meet, but poor John Connor had to send his mate back in time to bang his mum or he wouldn’t have been born

Of course I do cardio it’s called running from my problems, Gretchen.

Who needs fireworks when I have aluminum foil and a microwave?

This Halloween, I’m going as the one thing more unsettling than a serial killer: someone interested in serial killers