Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My 8 year old daughter can already read at a 5th grade level and ignore me at a 12th grade level.

*unhooking milker from my gorilla*

wife: still no glue?

My parents just called.

M+D: We started watching Captain America Civil War from the middle.

ME: You should watch it from the beginning?

M+D: It came on TV and we caught it halfway through.

ME: Okay.

M+D: Real quick – why are they all at the airport fighting each other?

I don’t understand why salads are seen as “dainty” food. I look more like a wild animal eating salad than literally anything else.

Seriously? Nothing in the waiting room but Highlights magazine?

[I get called in 10 minutes later]

Hold on, let me finish this article.

My husband let me sleep in late and then made me pancakes.

Someone please let Dateline know my death was absolutely premeditated.

“Guess what!”
“What?”
“I went clubbing and did the Bus Driver last night!”
“Oh I love that dance move!”
“It’s a dance move?”

“Holy infant so tender and mild.”

-cannibals

Goodnight moon
Goodnight room
Goodnight wifi connected devices
Goodnight CIA

*watching tv

Me: “Don’t just stand there, idiot! Run! Escape while there’s still time! God, I can’t watch”

Wife: (turns off wedding video)

Me: just cuz my resume is on a napkin doesn’t mean it’s not good

Employer: there’s a chicken nugget stuck to it

Me: oh is there? *winks*

Did Ace of Base ever do another song wherein it was explained what happened to her original baby?

Got Fired by the Zoo for Teaching all the Sloths Tai Chi

The Santa Clause (1994) A man gains a ton of weight after murdering a stranger on his roof

I was going through an old keepsakes box of mine and found a 4 colored pen. I asked my 6 year old if she’d like to have the cool pen I used when I was a kid. Her eyes lit up, then I gave it to her and she frowned. “Oh, I thought it was going to be one of those feathers,” she said

WIFE: Ok *deep sigh* why are you in the bathtub w/ a horse?
ME: [soaping behind Mr Butters’ ears] It’s called a stable relationship, Thelma

I should have known my son was stealing from his road construction job, but every time I came home I guess I just ignored all the signs.

ME, anxiously practicing in mirror: Thanks a LOT. Thanks A lot. THANKS a lot.
*doorbell*
DELIVERY GUY: Here’s your food.
ME, blurting: THANKS A LOT OF DELIVERY GUYS GET KIDNAPPED

Me: He’s starting to stir!
Wife: Shhhh.
Me: OH MY GOD…
Wife: Be quiet.
Me: HE’S GOT A KNIFE!
Wife: I hate watching cooking shows with you.

i hate it when im tryna spell a word and autocorrect can’t either

*in the basement organizing LEGO by color and size*

My child: Can I help?

Me: *straight up hissing noises*

[God creating bears]

God: people will wanna hug ’em, but you really shouldn’t

It’s better to clear out your fridge before the leftovers grow green hair, become sentient, and attack the closest major population center.

Not to brag, but my antics at work resulted in several items being added to the employee manual.

My trainer told me to listen to my body. So now I’m in bed eating a cheeseburger.

my 18-month old nieces may have gotten a shitton of candy for valentine’s day, but I got something better (a shitton of candy that I have the thumb-strength to open myself, without asking my mom)

Accidentally taught my dog to play dad instead of play dead and now he won’t stop barking at me when I try to touch the thermostat

Driving along the expressway and a truck with an open tailgate just bounced a cooler into the lane ahead of me and I didn’t even panic all those years of Mario Kart finally paid off

I take karate classes solely to fight off hobos who mistake my man bun for a delicious cinnamon roll

After dieting for a week and losing nothing, I cheated one day and gained a pound. Follow me for more reasons to run into a brick wall head first.