I told 14 to put the towels from the washer to the dryer 4 hours ago. I asked an hour ago if he did and he said yes.
He never turned the dryer on. I guess that shit’s on me for not specifying.
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*A demon tries to posses my soul while I sleep but can’t because he’s choking on all of the axe body spray I’m wearing*
I’ve been watching a lot of tiktok lately and y’all need to stop marrying people who look just like you do but with a wig on.
Mediums are on the decline because no one from the past wants to talk to us anymore
me: so.. you know how you sometimes misplace stuff
wife: where’s the baby
Instacart – For when you still want someone to call you from the store about your grocery list but you don’t want to be married to them.
a couple months ago i had a plumber come to my house and he spent the whole time talking about how he was also justin bieber’s plumber and then he broke both of my toilets which begs the question: does justin bieber have working plumbing?
Sometimes I need “Eye of the Tiger” playing to get me to leave my bed.
ME: Onions make me cry.
HER: It’s from a compound called Syn-Propanethial-S-Oxide.
ME: I think it’s probably cuz an onion killed my parents.
If you’re having money problems, don’t get discouraged. Two years ago I filed for bankruptcy and now I live in a tent in my uncle’s backyard
me: *placing a fork in front of a turtle* you’re raphael now
I just watched a squirrel bury a nut in my front yard. I’m going to dig it up and replace it with a Cadbury egg.
That’ll blow his Lil mind
Wanna feel old? Helium formed for the first time 13.8 billions years ago.
Just ghostbustered some flies with the vacuum – hope you idiots like legos
Of all the bad habits I’ve taught my kids, reassembling Club wrappers so they look like there is still a chocolate biscuit inside is the one that’s come back to bite me the fastest so far.
*rage dresses
*rage stomps down stairs
*rage closes neighbors banging garbage can lid flapping in wind
*rage stomps upstairs
*rage undresses
Moses was technically the first person to download files to his tablet from the cloud.
Show yourself some self-love.
No. Not in public.
I’m taking a group of 9yos to the water park today. My wife said “just try not to lose any of em” if you’re wondering about her confidence in my parenting skills.
Anyway if anyone’s seen a boy in sponge bob swim trunks please let me know thanks.
Help me practice my knife throwing skills.
You catch.
Are you a can of biscuits? Because I’d like to bang you on the counter.
they advertised mcmuffins for only a buck
Writers who become addicted to pseudonyms have to join Anonymous Anonymous.
Dr: how’s your diet?
Me: I’ve been eating a lot of good fats like you said
Dr: ice cream isn’t good fats
Me: are you kidding me ice cream is amazing
Date: “I’m falling in love with you”
Me: *rearranges french fries in plate to read, “we should see other people”
Sometimes going with the flow you end up in a sewer.
went to get pizza for lunch and when the guy asked what i wanted to drink i wasn’t paying attention so i looked this man in the eyes and said “a side of marinara”
[job interview]
“Do you have any addictions or habits that we should know about?”
*takes long drag from cigarette*
Not that I’m aware of.
I was worried that Tim Kaine was too boring and then I remembered entertainment is what got us into this mess.
WIFE: Please take the trash out
ME: Ok
*later that night*
ME: I’m having a nice time
TRASH: Wow, the food here is spicy AF