Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

SEA LION 1: “More like shark *weak* amirite?”
SEA LION 2: “Hahaha”
SHARK: “Hey guys, what ya watching?”
[Sea lions jump onto ceiling fan]

Probably the reason planes don’t have horns is that no one could resist how funny it’d be to honk it a bunch as you crash into a mountain

Have kids they said, they definitely won’t lose your right AirPod in the yard and run it over with the lawn mower they said.

ME, my last day as a doctor: Sir, your sugar is dangerously high. You need to eat less… *checking the notes on my hand*… crabs.

I love seeing live bands. The dead ones just kind of lay there.

I’m trying to beat the world record for most cat paintings done in one night. The current record holder is George W. Bush, who did 911.

[spelling bee]

judge: your word is problematic

me: then maybe give me a different word

I just cleaned the birdbath and now there’s a line for it.

I hate commas its not my job to tell you when you breathe work it out youre a grown adult

My toddler asserts dominance by demanding ice cream then just holding it till it melts and I have to clean it up

You haven’t truly made it on Twitter until someone recognizes you in the unemployment line and asks for your autograph.

[the creation of nostalgia]

GOD: ok give the children all the happy feelings

ANGEL: okay

GOD: now as they age don’t let them recreate those feelings

ANGEL: uh—

GOD: make them hyper aware that they once had something they’ll never have again

ANGEL: dude what is your problem

“why are you being so quiet?” bc I wasn’t listening the first half of the conversation and now I have no idea wtf is going on

Celebrating christmas in another country, santa leaves a chicken cutlet in my boot. “Is that good?” No one will make eye contact with me.

If you’re going to stare all night and not say hello, do you mind taking your fingers and squishing my head from across the room?

Her: did you give the dog alcohol?

Me: no, why? Is he acting weird

Dog: *texting* yo how come nothing ever happened between us? :/

Radio: “…it’s a climate of fear…”

Outside: [*raining clowns*]

Last night my wife got pissed because I kicked the ice cubes I dropped under the refrigerator. But now it’s just water under the fridge.

Last Christmas, I gave you my heart, the very next day you told me you’re gay….

How do i tell my physiotherapist that this isn’t an old sports injury but that time i did a coyote ugly dance at the bar and slipped off the table

Drivers in my town ignore crosswalks. If they had shot the Abbey Road album cover in my town, there would’ve been one or two fewer Beatles.

I go by many names but I’m usually referred to as Plan B.

*kicks house door down* I SAID HAVE YOU ACCEPTED JESUS INTO YOUR LIFE?

Your lips say no but your eyes, they say no too. And your body language, that definitely says no. What I’m saying is you’re very consistent.

the only thing i remember about my school’s gifted program was learning about whales.

what was it about whales that the other kids weren’t ready for? the mystery haunts me to this day.

Lois : Clark, are those binoculars?
Clark Kent : Yes, I can’t find my glasses.
Lois : Put them down for a second.
Clark :
Lois :
Clark : No

If you are wondering how many ketchup packets you can put in a Holiday Inn hot tub before people stop going in, the answer is 9.

Language is cool because it’s just a bunch of sounds, but put them in the right order & you can make someone cry or you can order tacos.