i told 8 it was time for bed last night and he pulled out a bag from my favorite donut shop with a donut in it that he got earlier in the day so he could bribe me into letting him stay up. it worked.
You Might Also Like
I basically called this earlier today
A big difference between men and women I’ve found is that if a woman says ‘smell this’ it’s likely to smell nice.
You don’t see many dog librarians. Probably because of the barking.
Wish the trash would take me out for once.
I don’t like the gerbil I become when I’m stuck in a revolving door.
Kids playing baseball in the backyard really hits home. Usually on a window.
Invited my girlfriend to a charity bbq where they’re roasting a whole pig and when she asked ‘what’s the charity’ I said it was for the pig’s family.
SURGEON: *cutting open patient’s torso*
NURSE: sir, what are you doing?! this is a knee replacement!
SURGEON: there’s a Pokémon in there
Me (finishing a home repair): Well, it looks like it should work…
My wife: Should I throw this handful of screws away?
Come on royal family, it’s not that difficult to name your 3rd child. I have 3 sons, Dustin, Jacob and what’s-his-face.
I made cookie dough 2 days ago and pre molded it into balls and froze them so I would be able to bake ONE cookie at a time AS NEEDED but so far I’ve just eaten 6 balls of cookie dough over a 2 day span
My new dentist was a former mortician apprentice.
He is different that he likes to bathe you before he does any dental work.
I don’t understand why my husband has to pay for a UFC fight when he could just throw one piece of candy on the floor in front of our three kids.
Me watching any college movie:
WHY AREN’T THESE KIDS STUDYING
It was my turn to pick a team building activity on Zoom so I typed hide-n-seek in the chat and left the meeting
I wear workout clothes to get Burger King breakfast so the drive thru lady thinks I worked out first. Dont be afraid to live your best life.
Stop asking “What ELSE could go wrong?” The universe doesn’t understand that it’s a rhetorical question.
Putting clothes on an animal is like putting on an overcoat over your overcoat.
“Drat!” Annie felt the unwelcome creep of human emotion intrude upon her sensible agenda.
Witch: [cursing me] you will get hit in the head with a basketball everyday
Me: whatever
[next day, watching game]
Announcer on TV: and it looks like he missed the shot so bad the ball left the stadium
Me: what
[theres a knock on the door]
I grew up in a time where your mother’s saliva was the most powerful cleaning agent around.
girlfriend: I’m seeing someone behind your back
me: *believes in ghosts* is it my grandpa
You think 2020 is bad, wait till 2025 when the Murder Ladybugs invade.
Imagine being in a band with Freddie Mercury and thinking “maybe I’ll sing this next one”
Wow, this is a really nice sturdy box, I should keep it in the attic for the next 20 years.
*mutes Coronavirus*
*Twitter disappears*
“I do not negotiate with little kids”
My husband, right before he broke down and gave the kid what he wanted
her: your costume is highly inappropriate
me: oh relax, it’s not like it’s a “sexy” hot dog suit haha
her: well, regardless it’s time for you to give the eulogy
I wish I loved anything as much as teenage baggers at the grocery store love treating my fruit like it was made of adamantium.
I went to the zoo and saw a piece of toast in a cage. The sign said BREAD IN CAPTIVITY.