I told 9 to eat the ice cream straight out of the container, because I’m teaching her basic life skills.
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Russian skater just explained that he is “not a robot,” proving, of course, that he is a robot. #Olympics
Brought home almond milk from the grocery store
My bf: You know, if you like nut milk you could….
Me: No
My ransom was dropped from $30,000 to fifty bucks when my parents told my kidnappers it’d take 2 days to come up with the money.
A friend who is on Bumble told me a guy texted her, “Do you like prunes?” as an opener and she thought it was bizarre. I told her to respond with, “No, but I do like dates” in case you were wondering who not to ask for dating advice ever
Maybe it’s just me, but I know a few people that Cupid should shoot with a gun.
[Heart: Tell her her eyes are windows into eternity, filled with fire…
Brain: Beacons, stars in a vast darkness]
Mouth: HEY GREAT EYEBALLS
me: *drinks coffee with protein powder, does bicep curls, flexes fingers*
pickle jar: oh oh
A man played Justin Bieber to force an attacking bear to run off. He was treated for his injuries, then arrested for cruelty to animals.
[I time travel to 1998]
Guy: This is the first showing of Mulan, how does that dude in the front row already know the words to all the songs
i am genuinely afraid for the people who post on the shitty food reddit
So no pizza place on Ninja Turtles ever questioned the delivery address being “The Sewer”
[both kids on my lap]
Me:This is so nice
5yo:Mommy your breath stinks.
M: I carried you for 9 months!
4yo:Why didn’t you use a stroller?
All I’m saying is pulling a lion out of your hat is actually much more impressive than pulling a rabbit out of your hat.
the worst thing about getting attacked by a crocodile is that your friends will probably scream “watch out for that alligator!” and then you will have to explain to them the difference while it’s eating your face
Just overheard someone say, “I wish I had a Kindle that never ran out of batteries.”
You know. Like a book.
happy mother’s day here is the result of my mom voice texting while talking to her dog
Girlfriend: I’m breaking up with you
Me: is it because make up phrases
Girlfriend: yes
Me: well the spider didn’t warm the egg for it just to hatch
Girlfriend: I have no idea what you’re talking about
what is the evolutionary advantage of depression, you ask? well what if our ancestors didn’t get the plague because instead of hanging out with people, they were bumming out at home
Optician can tell from my eyes bleeding that I only just started flossing before the appointment
Watching my kids inspecting the French dips I made like I’m about to defend a dissertation
Them: and what is this?
Me: that is ..(checks notes).. Provolone cheese, ma’am
Them: hmmmmm….
Google maps: in 2,000 feet, turn left
Me: I have no idea how far that is
Google: in 8 furlongs…
Me: no
Google: in 1.6 billion picometers…
Me: ugh
A fox: People aren’t so bad. I hear they named a news station after us.
[Watches 1 minute of Hannity]
We attack the humans at dawn.
is the plural of judas judasses or judi
Mark Zuckerberg I know you are a new parent but it’s way more fun to tell children you are giving away their inheritance when they are teens
My lasso of truth is just an eel I point aggressively at the people I’m questioning. We have a 100% success rate.
There’s nothing my kid can’t do. Except anything I tell him.
Bryan Adams: in the summer of ‘69
Danny Zuko: I remember it well because my mouth got all sandy
So afraid of commitment I only play “Words With Acquaintances”.
16: If you could pick your own pronouns, what would they be?
Me: Well, I can and I choose cheesecake.
16: Cheesecake isn’t a pronoun.
Me: Yes, but everyone loves cheesecake.
16: Exactly, pick something else.
Q-tips have a wide variety of household uses
