I told 9 to eat the ice cream straight out of the container, because I’m teaching her basic life skills.
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[joins a conga line]
me: I can leave any time I like
[someone joins behind]
me: oh no
Dr: What are some of your hobbies?
“I like correcting factual inaccuracies in women’s jokes on Twitter”
Dr: (writing) Not sexually active.
Tonight I found out that my husband applies body lotion to his legs “cricket style” which involves applying lotion directly to his legs and then just… rubbing them together. Like a cricket
me: one more peep outta you & I’m turning this car around
child (pukes up Easter candy):
me: ok that’s it!
Whenever I get sick, I get my immune system drunk so it will fight anything.
Me: We were supposed share that bag of chips.
Her: It was mostly air.
Me:
Her: I saved you that part.
Peanuts are legumes
Cocoa is a fruit
Sugar is a beetConclusion: Snickers is a salad
Consistent as a McDonald’s ice cream machine
My Obgyn suggested I cut carbs to maintain a healthier pregnancy weight.
Frankly, I’d rather cut the Obgyn.
Me: I’ve found a needle in the haystack! Only took 3 hours.
Her: no this is a 3/4 inch, I need a 5/8’s.
Me: *begins searching again* you really need a better place to store these.
One time I was at the beach and swam past the buoy because the life guard didn’t blow his warning whistle and I almost drowned. When I got back I yelled at him but then he asked me out and I was like whatever Brad! You can pick me up at 8!
WIFE: [trying to distract our crying baby] give him your car keys
ME: good idea! [hopeful] you think he’ll drive away?
Lois Lane unexpectedly comes to visit Clark Kent but he can’t find his glasses so he has to stick his face in a pie like Mrs. Doubtfire.
Guys, if you want to make a girl moan, tremble, and scream: be a spider.
hey guys I chipped my tooth and now I can do the land down under flute solo when I laugh
Damn, Twitter. If I wanted to get ignored this hard, I’d yell at my kids
My plan for quarantine: only let one child in the house at a time.
🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣
Me: I woke up feeling super happy and confident, this is great! Nothing can go wrong.
Those Shoes That Make My Feet Smell Like Old Cheese: hey girl. wear me.
I took one of those DNA tests and found out I am 30% mashed potatoes.
making baked potatoes in the oven is fun because they’re either ready in 30 minutes or 147hrs
(grounding my kid) go outside.
Joining Twitter instead of the circus was a pretty good move considering I’m a freak but not that talented
there is nothing more wonderful than the laughter of children, except possibly my own laughter when I’m chasing them off my lawn while swinging a 2×4 with a nail in it
Im wearing a chefs coat and a stoned guy thanked me for my service. You are welcome, my brother
I just took my neighbor’s home security sign and put it in my yard, because the theft on my street is getting out of hand.
For someone who said “Correct me if I’m wrong…” you seemed genuinely surprised and upset when I did.
So I neutered my car yesterday
“You, what?”
Neutered my car
“…”
It’s another word for fixed
“I wish I never gave you that thesaurus”
“Let’s see what you’re made of!” he says on approach, knife in hand.
“Good.” I mutter. “Another adversary who paid no attention in Biology.”
Knock knock
“Who’s there?”
“Dejav”
“Dejav who?”
Knock knock