Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

How do I know it will be a full moon tonight?
Exhibit A and Exhibit B.

*points to 2 ferocious beasts who keep calling me “mom”*

PMS: Hey, I’m not going to be coming around much anymore
ME: Yay!
PMS: Hold up
ME: What?
PMS: You’re on your way to going through the change
ME: Ahh, I’m finally going to become a butterfly

Me: [plunging toilet] “Damn it, You kids are using entirely too much paper!”

7yo: “I don’t even wipe so I’m out of this.”

Sure breakups are hard, but have you ever had to wait for your phone to stop ringing you so you can start using it again?

My daughter just announced she’s SICK of stupid-ass people. I said “Oh darlin, you’re gonna feel ill for a long time.. they’re everywhere.”

I fell asleep at 3:45. My 5yo woke up at 6:30.

Use protection, young people.

Lisa: morning David
Me: who said that?
Lisa [sighs]: sorry I didn’t text you back last night
Me: is that a ghost? Because Lisa is dead to me

Only take relationship advice from people who have really healthy relationships. So, no one

Nothing makes me turn on country music and sit up straight faster than a cop driving behind me.

I was only mildly famous in the ’90s but vaccinate your kids

riddler: check out aquaman’s new tweet: “on my way to destroy the legion of doom with fam”

lex luthor: you follow aquaman? LOL

others: LOL

-Come on, it’s time to go

-No

-We are going to be late

-I hate school

-But Mum, you have to take me!

Thanks for the awesome options, autocorrect

I lost a contact at the gym and while I was searching for it people started gathering around and long story short I teach yoga now.

My dog just watched me take my contacts out and I think she may need therapy now.

Went for a 4 mile run this morning. Now everything hurts… even my eyelashes.

I stepped in water with my socks on, you guys go on without me

Alex: This term indicates a zero score in tennis.

Contestant: What is love?

*dance party erupts*

Took my toddler for a long walk like a goddamned super mom…lost his stroller in the creek like the mom I actually am.

Little Caesar’s is really missing out by not doing a “Sides of March” deal on Crazy Bread.

Him: Can I have a bite of your dessert?

Me: I think we should see other people.

The Shining is my favorite movie about what can happen when you spend too much time with family.

A salesman knocked on my door today.

“Who currently provides your Internet?” he asked.

I said, “My next door neighbour.”

my favorite part about gambling is if you lose money you can just bet again and double the stakes and win your money back! it’s called strategy

In grocery store & guy grabs my hand,starts to walk.I go with him, till he turns & realizes I’m not his wife.We broke it off…Single again

1997: I Know What You Did Last Summer

1998: I Still Know What You Did Last Summer

2006: I’ll Always Know What You Did Last Summer

2020: Say, Remember That Thing You Did 23 Summers Ago? No? Me Neither. In Fairness, it Was a While Ago. Never Mind. As You Were. Bye.

me: *knocks on door* are you naked?

boss: just come in!

Cave rescue is going to make an incredible movie, can’t wait to see Scarlett Johansson inspire in her role as 12 Thai boys.

Son: “You didn’t have YouTube or Minecraft when you were a kid? What did you do?”
*flashback to peeling dried glue off my hand*
Me: “Stuff.”

*goes produce shopping*

Wife: Get in line & watch the cart.
Me: OK.
Wife: I’ll be right back.

*minds peas & queues*