I told 9 to eat the ice cream straight out of the container, because I’m teaching her basic life skills.
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Nose
*brings knife to gunfight*
*knife used to cut pizza*
*pizza served & differences resolved*
*last slice up for grabs & gunfight ensues*
Just once I’d like to run into Kanye and refer to him as Kanye Davidson just to see his head explode.
I wish I was █████████ enough to be redacted.
My Dad: So then you just like *smushing together a bird stuffed animal and a bee stuffed animal while making kissy noises*
Me: OK, got it. They’re all waiting, can I go get married now?
Wife: Why is there a charge for $3,000 to Men’s Warehouse?
Me: I have no idea. Don’t go outside tho
If by living dangerously you mean eating stuff that upsets my tummy; then yes, I live dangerously
It’s a good thing this pandemic is almost over and we’ll be returning to the office soon because I’m almost out of Post-it Notes at home.
Me: Can I please have a stack of Italian pancakes?
Wife: you know damn well it’s called lasagna
kermit the frog is more iconic than mickey mouse bc if u heard someone was named mickey u’d just be like ok sure . but if someone said their name was kermit u would be like huh ????? like the frog ?????????
How long do you have to wait between naps?
Breaking Bad is my favorite documentary about what it takes to be an entrepreneur while balancing family life.
I haven’t broken a mirror lately, but my water broke and I’ve had seven years of kids crawling into my bed
I got invited to an acquaintance’s baby shower, I thought I bought teeth rings, I bought this woman’s baby a freaking dog toy. 🙃
Remember when we didn’t let Meg Ryan stand up straight for an entire decade?
My lifetime taco-to-salad ratio is 16413 to 1.
Dating: Your eyes hypnotize me
Married: Your eye rolls hypnotize me
Her: What do you want to listen to?
Me: You name it…I’m pretty eclectic.
Her: Great…I have Amazon music.
Me: Actually I’m not really into the indigenous stuff.
Her:
“For my next illusion” the magician announces: “Free will!” Everyone starts clapping but they don’t know why
If you’re worried that technology will take over remember humans develop technology & we’re surprised how hot it is in the summer. Always.
Every parent: do you know how to get there? You just make a left then right then through 3 lights then a left and it’s a mile ahead on the right
Me: *nods as I type the address into google maps*
Me: Another bucket of wine please.
Waiter: You mean a new bottle in an ice bucket?
Me: No.
me: so what do you do?
date: I work with animals
me: *imagining an office ran entirely by golden retrievers in suits* your job sounds fun
Gate agent: we’re going to have to check your carry-on bag
Me: why, are there no overhead spaces left on the plane?
Gate agent: no, there are. we just don’t like you.
[bird watching] when’s the yellow one gonna teach me the alphabet
Me : So I said to the police , “catch me if you can ”
Cellmate : “Them what happened “??
Friends don’t take videos of friends playing drunk Twister in positions that only gynecologists should ever see.
[trying to open a packet of hotdogs but I can’t because I refuse to slow down on my run]
Talk to your kids about drugs.
Maybe they have better connections than you.
“I’m gonna look to my left and run as fast as I can.”
– Toddlers