I told a 5th grader during the school costume parade that I liked her Beetlejuice costume and she said she liked mine too but I’m not wearing one. Today she made a very mediocre enemy.
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[on phone with poison control] How much would I have to swallow to be just sick enough to miss work for a few days?
“What do you mean a baguette isn’t a female bag?”
My sweet-as-can-be daughter who’s never even once gotten in trouble listens to podcasts about serial killers to relax, if you’re wondering about the healthy home environment I’ve provided.
You know that button in the elevator with the fireman´s hat on it.
Turns out that is not the button you press to get a fireman´s hat.
Gonna say don’t look a gift horse in any orifice
Ulterior motives? Please, I don’t even know why I do things.
The early bird catches the worm. And the late bird catches one of the other trillion worms left. What’s your point?
[Deletes duplicate memes on my phone]
“Weigh me now”.
The United States is going to start minting pennies next year that will have a joke on the front with the answer on back.
They will be referred to as “cents of humor.”
Do you believe in life after love?
-Me as a Cher-apist
My dating history is like Halloween. People pretending to be someone they’re not come looking for handouts, then move on to someone else.
eyes: what’s that
me with eye drops: nothing.
“The curb is just a reverse pothole” I whisper to myself as I hear the wheel scraping against cement.
Boeing: we fixed all the problems
Passengers: is that Flex Seal?
found a guy hanging out in an alley in palm springs
wife: oh cool, the zoo reopened
me: [sitting on couch shirtless in cutoff sweats while drinking beer] why would I want to go look at a some bored dumb animal who sits around all day doing nothing
me: [absolutely shredding] I told you I played a little guitar
him: that’s a mandolin
4: mom, [6] said if I eat my broccoli he’ll give me a prize, will you give me a prize too?
me: well, being healthy and strong is a good prize
4: no
Before kids: “I will make everything from scratch. We’ll be so healthy.”
After kids: “Someone bring me my binder of takeout menus.”
Me, to my cousin Chad: You might wanna sit down.
Just walked past a neighbour washing his car and I didn’t say “You’ve missed a bit” or “You can do mine next!” and now I’m questioning whether I’m even still British.
I’ve already lost 72 ponytail holders this weekend
In an effort to drink more water, I started taking a sip of water every time one of my kids yells MOM. So far I’m at 7 gallons.
Fact: Canadians are legally allowed to be late for work once a week for ‘reindeer related delays.’
The Bangles neglected to mention Manic Monday is followed by Trauma Tuesday, Wacko Wednesday, and Therapy Thursday.
[During surgery]
DR DOG: Suction please.
NURSE: But there’s no bleeding.
DR DOG: I know *drooling* but just look at that liver!
Heard astrology described as “space racism” and that’s the only definition I’ll accept from now on.
Me: Pick up your toys please.
5yo: Who’s coming over?
*watching videos of people cooking in public bathrooms*
The CDC should absolutely have a prison