Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

It’s almost summer and I’m only three stomach flus and a couple tapeworms away from my beach body!!!

doctor: i’m sorry but you only have a few more years left to live

me: oh my god. you’re lying

doctor *shows me a chart of global warming* i am not

I’ll never get picked for jury duty because I’d be the one on trial…..

if you’re not sniffing random panties at the laundromat then why are you even there

15: I smell upsexy.

Me: What the hell is upsexy?

15: Not much. What’s up with you?

[In Club]
*slides up to girl on dance floor
“This is my jam”
*hands her a jar
“I wrote my number on the label. Text me if you want more…”

You’re eating Cheetos on the couch and playing a video game. Your “battle cry” isn’t striking fear into the heart of anyone but the dog.

People found guilty of not using punctuation deserve the longest sentence possible.

#rubbishjokes
What do you call the soft tissue between a shark’s teeth?

The slowest swimmer.

“I stalk people you’ve probably never heard of” -hipster stalker

You see some crazy stuff when you’re out late at night smearing raccoon blood on your neighbours windows.

Cop: license & registration
Magician: Check this out *levitates license*
Cop: I see. Your license is suspended. Check THIS out
*$75 ticket*

Had some boneless watermelon for dinner and it was delicious.

[marriage counseling]

We just don’t see eye to eye

“Because you insist on wearing that stupid pirate hat”

YOU WILL ADDRESS ME AS CAPTAIN

honey it’s not what you think- we were planning your surprise funeral

[my daughter asks for her 2nd apple of the day] oh look it’s the apple monster *fun growl sounds*

DAUGHTER: daddy does God ever go hunting

If you’ve seen one lion attack you’ve seen a maul

sign of the times 🖊

A health scare but it’s just someone putting a salad in front of me.

“Mom! I made you a character in my video game!”

Me: “Cool! What am I doing?”

“You’re angry. I made it just like real life.”

Alexa just started playing Unchained Melody, so I guess things with my ghost are getting pretty serious.

If you want some alone time, tell your husband that you’re going to watch the Bachelor. Even if you’re not.

Friend: PUMP THE BREAKS!

Me: YOU CAN DO IT BREAKS! I BELIEVE IN YOU!

🤯🤯🤯

i love playing rock paper scissors they never expect me to pull a glock out of my pocket

Fun thing to do: Before leaving someone’s house, ask them if you can take a roll of toilet paper “to go”

doctor: how are u
me: good
doctor: my wife left thanks for asking

I’ve just text my new girlfriend that I’m into all sorts of douchebaggery.

Autocorrect clearly has a different idea on what debauchery is.

There should be a day between Sunday and Monday called Hang on a Second.

If dogs ever learn to talk I want everyone to keep in mind that mine is a big fat liar.