Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Looking to join a group where every once in awhile somebody screams “fan out!” and we all do.

Me: Any Costco requests?

Husband, who is out of deodorant, toothpaste, and work snacks: Nope, I’m good.

I told you to pick up a slow cooker… All I see when I look in the kitchen is a turtle wearing a chefs hat

Playing a game with my kid where she draws a picture and I have one chance to guess what it is and if I’m wrong, everyone’s day is ruined.

“I really should buckle down and get my rap album going”
-Me, every time I drink

me: just tell me I don’t die in an Arby’s bathroom stall

Death: [sadly looking up from his book] look, what matters is how you lived

Me: I’m proud of you for completing your project and I’m sorry for screaming like a feral raccoon.

10: Don’t worry girlie when I’m a mom I’m gonna do the same thing.

Me: I love these lazy Sundays.

Boss: It’s Tuesday. Get off my couch and out of my office. And for Christ’s sake, put some clothes on!

*Involved in high speed chase*
*Uses turn signals*

*Paranormal Factivity*

[I walk into my bathroom]

“OH MY GOD”

[‘WHALES ARE ACTUALLY MAMMALS’ is written in blood on the mirror]

my good friends know that i’m just 4 voicemails and 10 texts away. like whenever they need me. when I’m available.

The U.K. ditching their old leadership on July 4th is an appropriation of American culture

I put on a blue vest and just walked out of Lowe’s with 18 toilet plungers

When a guy wearing cargo pants hits on me I’m tempted to go out with him just to see how many of my belongings I can fit into his pockets.

I consider anything that doesn’t fit in the dishwasher to be for one time use.

My friend asked if I had any spare cash to pay for his straw.
Unfortunately l hadn’t got the bale money

The way my kids use toothpaste they’ll never have a cavity in their bathroom sink

I don’t know who needs to hear this, but don’t put your eye makeup on before you start chopping onions

2008: Busy, trying to balance work and home life.

2018: Busy watching a video of a lemon rolling down the street.

Wife “WHY ARE THERE MUDDY FOOTPRINTS ALL OVER THE HALL?”
[Me while trying to push a zebra up into the attic] Must be that damn dog again…

Victorian photographers like “Okay we have a two deceased relatives propped in chairs package or our popular one deceased, multiple poses plus family pet package. We can include coffins but the trend now is to have some fun capturing pics where it’s unclear who’s actually alive”

flight attendant: sir u r seated in an exit row, are u willing and able to xyz in case of emergency

the highest guy you have ever seen: yes

Why do people try to trick babies into thinking airplanes are delicious?

*plans eclipse viewing party*
*buys special glasses*
*gets plenty of snacks and drinks*

*wakes up to pouring rain*
*goes back to sleep*

Me: This spaghetti is spicy.

Aquarium Employee: Did you just bite an electric eel

The other day a number of people at work told me that I had a lovely healthy glow about me and had caught the sun a little. I was far too embarrassed to tell them it was actually a rather uncomfortable eczema flare up

COP: Do u know why I pulled u over?

ME: *looks at the penguin in my passenger seat* God damnit Ralph I told u to put ur seatbelt on.

My 7yr old fell and I wanted to say “Are you okay? Be careful.” Instead it came out at as “Are you careful?” That answer would be an obvious no.

Doctors who expect me to pee on command, I’m not some kind of stunt pee-er, you know.

*finds $20 in the dryer*

*adds money launderer to my resumé*