Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

First Obama came for my guns. Then he came for my knives. Then he came for my dinette set. Then he redecorated the whole place. It’s lovely.

*cop frisking me*
Cop: “theres nothin in your pockets that will poke me, right?”
Uh, no
Cop: “OW!”
*baby porcupine jumps out*
RUN POKEY, RUN

I spend so much time and resources making stand up clips and then my gf was like do this TikTok trend and now it has more views than my last 14 videos combined

The way my reading glasses fog up as I drain the spaghetti water into a colander over the sink…is this passion? I feel like this is passion

I call bullshit, airport baby changing station! I wanted an Asian baby but I’m stuck with the white kid I flew in with.

1) Put on chicken costume
2) Go to store to pick up eggs
3) Run up to store manager and emotionally scream “WHO DID THIS TO MY CHILDREN????”

Me: I’m not the same person I was when you met me.

Him: we met six seconds ago.

I asked the husband to take me shopping and he said “Take yourself.”
I can’t wait for him to ask for sex.

me: h—

bearded guy with a black & white avi: she was the one that got away; a snowflake in an avalanche, and i was outside the snow globe looking in

[last day of creative writing class]

“are u ready to name ur band?”

Dave Matthews: u bet i am

Confidence is important.

Because wishy-washy just will not get you a prescription for the good drugs.

Sometimes I find myself feeling hopeful for the future of the human race but then I remember there are grown men who like My Little Pony.

Who called them mermaids and not scale models?

George W Bush kept us safe just like how abstinence education kept Bristol Palin unpregnant.

I hate when I want to like a girl’s old picture to let her know I’m interested but I’ve already liked every single one.

I poured some root beer in a square glass and now it’s just beer.

[speed dating]
DATE: ding
ME: did u just make the ding sound with ur mouth
DATE: no
ME: we have 4 minutes left
DATE: *louder this time* ding

My “Pi” tattoo is taking longer than I thought

[pearly gates]
st peter: welcome everybody-
*i run up and slam dunk an imaginary ball thru his halo and then hang on it like it’s the rim*

Me: Netflix and chill?

Her: sure

Me: bring a pizza and an internet connection and a Netflix password

Her:

Me: and don’t forget the condoms!

airing out the snack pack

My toddler learned to say COWBOY over the weekend and now every conversation is like this:

Me: would you like some milk to drink?
Toddler: no! Cowboy!
Me: I’m sorry. Would the cowboy like some milk?
Toddler: 🤠 yes 🤠

Them: you’re broke, you have to move apartments, you work a shitty job, and you’re balding.

Me: Thats cool. Everything will work out in the end.

Them: your child is skipping a nap today.

Me: MY LIFE IS RUINED!

Many people are surprised to hear I’m married because I scream it at them as I descend from their broken skylight in the dead of night.

I PowerWashed the scale this morning because it kept calling me dirty names, like fat.

Best goalkeeper.. 😅

I’m pretty sure the dude in the stall next to me is giving birth to a Hummer

You don’t have to worry about me when I’m hangry but you should keep your distance when I’m sleevil (sleepy + evil)

4th Wiseman: I’ll just get him a gift card.