Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[sees shark fin swimming toward me]

Oh no

[its a boy wearing a shark fin hat]

Phew

[the boy is riding a shark]

Oh no

My wife urged me to be more experimental in the bedroom, but I guess she wasn’t expecting I’d be dissecting so many white mice.

[at the park]
SON: dad dad what’s that in the sky?! (points at helicopter)

ME: (forgetting the word helicopter) that son is……a blenderplane

I hate when all the silverware is dirty and I’m down to using the giant decorative fork that hangs on the wall.

[1931]

Him: we should name this time period

Me: the good depression

Him: ok i like depression but the descriptor has to be something more than just “good”

Me [after consulting my good friend tony the tiger]: hear me out

me: do you take walk-ins

morgue: what

Nurse at the doctor’s office took my blood pressure, and I swear she was one pump away from hearing my safe word.

All mushrooms are edible. Some only once.

me: oh, I have a great ide…

wife: no

Asked hubs to pick up tampons. Love doin that shit. Also said I needed super, light, long, short, orange ones so he’ll have to ask someone.

Hey gang, let’s talk about what has gone right today.

Ok, good talk. See you tomorrow.

This is a baby horse: it can walk 4 hours after it’s born
This is a baby human: don’t touch its head wrong or you’ll bonk its brain

Dis earing letters?

There’s an ‘app’ for that.

Thanksgiving is nothing like Halloween.

You can turn your lights off, it doesn’t even phase them, they still come to your door.

[montage of me giving-up]

Are they Milk Duds? Cuz I’m definitely not getting in your van for some stupid Milk Duds.

Sidebar:
If a whack job is an artist, does that make them a whackadoodle?
Yes.

yo LA chill out with your restaurant names

It’s been four days since I started this rap battle. I’m tired and just want to see my family.

Mice are just frozen Mwater.

How do you cut ancient Rome in half?
With a pair of Caesars

Nothing brings me more joy than watching my cats walk across sleeping family members.
When you’re asleep, you aren’t even a person to them.
Or when you’re awake.

If I could time travel, I’d grab English major me in college & say, “Look, books will nourish your soul but take an appliance repair class.”

why yes i studied sports medicine at the university of phoenix. *puts stethoscope on basketball, nods*

Fatherhood is a privilege, an honour and something I am grateful for every day. Being a dad is not just about telling lame jokes. It’s about threatening homelessness if they’re not laughed at.

Left a plaster cast of my mouth at the bakery so they know exactly how big to bake the cupcakes

My favorite drinks are coffee, whisky & ranch dressing.

They’re a pack of lions

He’s some guy who hates lions

Together, they’re:
PRIDE AND PREJUDICE

This fall on CBS

I’ve won 5 straight games of Operation, so I am more than qualified to perform a tracheotomy.