I told a joke to my boss and he must have found it really funny because now I get to tell it to HR.
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I never related to movies as a kid. Like in Home Alone when Kevin says to his Mother “I am upstairs you dummy” I couldn’t understand how he was still alive after that.
Been banned from every restaurant in my town for refusing to stop calling lasagna ‘Italian meat cake’.
[Interview]
Me: Oh! The time I ate 1/2 a giant birthday cookie cake between the store & home!
Boss: I meant impressive JOB accomplishment.
A burrito so good, a Mariachi band is playing outside the bathroom stall at work the next day.
Yes, Kiddo drank her carrot juice, if by “drank,” we mean surreptitiously pouring it into my Boston fern.
I believe we’re entering the ‘training for hell’ phase of summer.
me: [robbing a bank] ok everybody hands in the air
everyone: [puts hands up]
me: [already mad with power] one hop this time
Once a year there is a public event at my old job that I dress in cosplay for and walk around incognito taking pictures of everything that looks terrible to send to my old coworkers.
What’s the name of that movie with that actor in which the guy does that thing with that other thing in that place during that time?
Me: *closes Bible, takes long, hard look at neighbor’s ox*
My apathy is at an all time whatever.
[immigration hall]
Agent: are you traveling for business or pleasure?
Me, after flying 8 hours for revenge: both
Miss 9: When I grow up I’m going to have this house. When you.. you know..
[vasectomy]
Doctor: how did that vase get in there, again?
“wfh”
what it means: work from home
what my brain sees: what fthe hell?
Me : Well, despite the difficulties, we’ve made the best of a bad situation
Life: Yeah, I’m going to need those lemons back
How long do you have to stop eating a meal before calling it leftovers?
Pineapple farms looks like someone said they were a pineapple farmer and got caught in the lie so just started chucking pineapples on the grass
People that use big words, but not in the right context, are just trying to be ambidextrous.
I can’t work out if the pilot taxiing towards the terminal window is doing a huge yawn or his brakes have failed.
me: thanks for letting me work from home
boss: *turns off shower* I meant your home
“What character would I like to see throwing up in a parking lot?”
-How I pick my Halloween costume
I’m sorry you had a bad experience at our restaurant. To make it up to you, here is a coupon for more of our terrible, terrible food.
angel: whatcha making?
god: *buffing a shark* dolphin
There is no such thing as bad cheese there is only bad people who didn’t eat the cheese fast enough.
barista: name for the latte?
me: it’s Zach with an “h”
*two minutes later*
barista: i’ve got a latte for Hach
You said I could have my way with you. If you didn’t want me to experiment with gas and fire, you should’ve been more specific.
Erm I’m gonna say no
When I’d go to church as a kid I’d always wonder why there were so many seats reserved for Usher
