i told a rich person that i think we should raise the minimum wage and they were like “raise the minimum wage? what’s next?? lower the maximum wage!?!” and it’s like actually, now that you mention it, that’s not a bad idea
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The most unrealistic part of cooking shows is when they have enough room in their fridge to fit an entire baking sheet.
I’m half potato on my dad’s side
“I’d like to speak with a manager”
I hope this email finds you in the paradise city where the grass is green and the girls are pretty.
Signs you’re a man:
*has a massive heart attack* It’s nothing, really. I’m fine.
*catches a cold* Gather ‘round children. My time is drawing nigh.
I’m so glad I cleaned the house so the kids have a clean canvas to drop their stuff everywhere.
The water pressure of the hotel shower would best be described as paintball fight.
ME (undercover, approaching craps table): One crap please, my good man.
Killing Eve is trending and I thought we had a new holiday.
Intermittent fasting between breakfast and lunch then again between lunch and snack time. Then, you guessed it, between snack time and dinner then one more time between dinner and my late night beer and cheese tray. Just being healthy, I’m a health nut now
“Bob is coming over for dinner.”
Bob from work or Bob the giraffe?
*there’s a knock at the upstairs window*
I can’t listen to music with my headphones at the office. Apparently everyone doesn’t enjoy the way I sing out loud
why is my brain passive aggressive to me?
like, don’t make me feel nauseous after eating too much ice cream when you’re the one that decided we should eat the ice cream
Them: Anytime my friend!
Me: Ok, get your calendar out, I’m going to block out some times
Have a headache? Eating a carrot can help if you take a Advil after it
Influencer doing makeup tutorial : this is so easy you can NOT mess it up
Me: oh honey…you have no idea
Welcome to ghosts anonymous. Nice to see such a spirited turnout.
*all of the ghosts boo in unison*
Me: *screaming along to death-metal*
My child, who I forgot was in the car:
trying not to judge stupid people too harshly anymore because it turns out i’m people and oh man am i stupid.
YOU: Hi.
ME: *breathes in deeply, making my body puff up so that it seems too big to eat*
I had to walk behind my teenager during his zoom class in order to go to the bathroom and now his peers know that he has parents. THAT HE LIVES WITH. He’s obviously very upset. Please send him your thoughts and prayers during this difficult time.
“One of you will betray me” is such a dramatic thing to say at dinner????
It’s hard eating this ramen with chopsticks. The broth keeps spilling on the steering wheel.
Me: I’m having a problem with my computer:
IT guy: Have you tried punching it?
Me: That’s the first thing I tried. I’m not an idiot.
Age 8: Flinging myself off the swings at high speed onto a concrete floor, bouncing up instantly and laughing before bounding away like a gazelle.
Age 48: Raising my eyebrows in a slightly more robust way than usual and fracturing my skull.
An escape room, but it’s a bean bag chair in a hammock on a water bed in a bouncy house and you’re over 40. Good luck!
Breakfast: “Coffee, please.”
Lunch: “Just grilled chicken over a small salad.”
Dinner: “I’ll take a wheelbarrow full of lasagna and enough chocolate to kill a horse.”
When a man tells me he’s looking for a ‘real woman’ I scurry away because I’m actually three owls in a raincoat AND HE MUSTN’T FIND OUT.
It’s been a good 12 months for dogs
