i told a rich person that i think we should raise the minimum wage and they were like “raise the minimum wage? what’s next?? lower the maximum wage!?!” and it’s like actually, now that you mention it, that’s not a bad idea
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snack time! which shapeless, wiggly treat would you rather?
Ah, I see my old arch nemesis, the bottom of the bottle, has arrived.
Me: My book was translated for the UK.
Wife: They speak English.
Me: *looks at the 1000 times they changed “stroller” to “buggy”* Sort of.
Student: “May I go to the toilet?”
Teacher: “What for?”
Student: “To open the Chamber of Secrets”
Tom Cruise is short for tomato filled cruise ship
Jokes on you hot chick at the bar who gave me a radio station’s phone number I just won Harlem Globetrotter tickets and a Bud Light poncho.
The Wi-Fi is out so I guess I’ll have to go harvest DVDs from the field the way my grandmother used to do.
[1st date]
“My birthday is on April 20th, so 4/20. Isn’t that cool? When’s yours?”
Oh, umm *sweating* Sextember 69th
*sees a fly*
ahhh
*trying to swat fly*
nooo
*gives up*
well if ur gona stay at least pay rent lol
FLY: *hands me a tiny check*
ME: wat the
How dramatic are you?
Son: I thought about asking if you wanted a Klondike bar at 2 am.
Me: Why didn’t you ask?
S: I heard you snoring and didn’t want to wake you.
M: You can wake me any time, especially if it’s about ice cream.10 minutes later:
Me: So… I snore??
Just text my husband to tell him he left his phone behind & someone is calling him.
And now someone’s texting him.
Instead of chasing after Taylor Swift, I’m just going to wait until she breaks up with everyone else so I’m all that’s left.
2nd day of the kickstarter…thank u for such an amazing day yesterday….. i love you
Always live on the bottom floor it’s further from heaven and harder for God to see you sinning
i took a british guy home and when i woke up all my artifacts were gone
I hate reality shows. Like this one, for instance, called “The News.”
“Trust your gut” ok first of all my gut wants pizza 24 hours a day
There’s a whole world of people out there!
*closes the door*
A “Purge” comedy where two pals accidentally kill someone a week before the purge and try to fake the person’s life until the murder would be legal.
[private investigator hands me a folder] well she’s not cheating on you
[looking though numerous photos of my wife refrigerating bread] oh god no
ME: *playing my kazoo softly in the library*
HER: excuse me, do you mind?
ME: why yes i do but i usually just call it thinking
Academia sounds like a disease. But it’s actually much worse.
Do you like vampires?
🟩 Nosferatu
✅ Yesferatu
[Talking w/Doc]
The wife wants to try period sex
“Seems unsanitary to me”
I dont think u understand-
*wife bursts in wearing medieval armor*
I’m a PROUD bidet user, but it didn’t occur to me how losing power in 0° weather would affect the water temp. I think I just had what could be called a religious experience with that bidet. Like, I saw things.
Idris Elba should be the next Mr Bean
“It’s MY WIIIIFE, it’s now or never” – Borat Jovi
I’m not even remotely sorry
sloth: *arriving at his prison cell*
prison guard: ok you’re free to go
Kylo Ren: I can’t read your mind! How are you resisting me?!
Rey: Occlumency lessons from Professor Snape.