I told a second grader today I didn’t have a cell phone when I was his age and he looked at me sadly and said oh so you had a flip phone?
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God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, courage to change the things I can, and a dog that does karate
WIFE: why is the dog wearing a tux?
ME: u said to groom him
WIFE: i meant brush
ME: oh…sorry buddy, wedding’s off
DOG: this is bullshit
“Sookie!”
-70% of True Blood dialogue
I loved being in high school when the pinnacle of fashion was wearing a secondhand oversized flannel over your black spaghetti strap tank top
Cop: And how would you describe the assailant?
Me: I guess I’d start with hair, eye, and skin color. Probably height and weight next…
dollar store pregnancy test instructions say to pee on the stick then wait 9 months
my doctor refuses to fight me and i think it’s cause he saw how i barely cried during my flu shot
don’t date writers. they will send you their screenplay after a day of talking and it’s like OH now I have homework???
Putting sunscreen on kids feels like cardio
My Christmas letter this year includes a bonus DVD of my colonoscopy.
I am on my second week of biweekly pay so today I will be showing you how to make a quesadilla out of paper towels
On the next “Unsolved Mysteries” my wife and I investigate how there aren’t enough hangers for the clothes we washed when they were on hangers before we wore them.
Drumpf’s presidential campaign in reverse: an increasingly laughable story of an egomaniac running for an office he couldn’t possibly win
The world is so overpopulated, it’s getting so a girl can’t even find a nice, quiet place to yank out her wedgie.
Donald Trump was born when someone put a pinkie ring in a bag of Cheetos and left it in a lightning storm.
love it when they get my name right
Ya I am too Dave it’s nothing to be proud of
Me: I hate it when I realize I’ve made a bad decision, but I’m too far in to turn back.
Bartender: One more then?
Me: Yep
Proof of God(s),Anubis spotted in Alberton,South Australia 😲…
Twitter is where you ask an actual question for help & get nothing but stars yet you tell a joke with a question mark & everybody answers.
Some of you are boycotting sex the same way are you are boycotting owning a Maserati.
if something “takes the cake” that’s on you for not guarding said cake appropriately
An octopus should have eightacles, not ten.
I told my grandmother to act her age…. then she died.
Yesterday we got a puppy and my kids are so smitten that they’ve cut down their screen time enormously by 5%
The year is 2087. We finally have flying cars. Grey’s Anatomy has been on for 82 years.
I threw a ball for my dog.
May be a little extravagant, but he looks great in a tux.
I’ve been experiencing nonstop targeted ads for Spanx, and Skims, and various other types of girdles, so which AI engineer woke up and chose violence today?
“Hi yes I’d like to attempt the Cheeseburger challenge”
“Very good sir”
[ripped as hell cheeseburger runs out of the kitchen & bodyslams me]