Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’m smarter than I look. I was gonna say -more intelligenter- but wasn’t sure how to spell it so…

Scientists say Jupiter cant support human life but maybe Jupiter’s just really focused on her career for now. Why be so judgmental, science?

If the virus can keep becoming a new version of itself so can you.

People would probably like hospitals better if they had water slides & the nurses were strippers

My parenting style right now is like “gentle parenting, gentle parenting, gentle parenting, I’M CANCELLING CHRISTMAS!!!, gentle parenting, gentle parenting…”

I’ve discovered that books are not donuts.

If you make a donut & someone buys it & likes it, they may buy another donut tomorrow.

If you write a book & someone buys it & likes it, they will not buy another copy the next day.

This is the flaw of books or the advantage of donuts

Men look so amazing for people who use the same product for their teeth, hair, floor and car washing

Me: finally got my dream car, now when is my dream man gonna come along?

My husband:

Friend: What happened?
15yo me: *arm in a sling* Got hit by 2 buses.

Friend: What happened?
37yo me: *in a full body cast* I sneezed weird.

In China the labels read, “Made by someone you know.”

just saw a guy tweet “be a good kitten and behave for daddy” lmao bro have u ever met a cat??

ATTN: @MikeBloomberg. Your campaign is clearly struggling. Hire me to write jokes for you. Here’s a sample: “Bernie Sanders is so old that the first time he ran for president the election got hacked by PRUSSIA!”

Not to spoil the eclipse for y’all but Bella chooses Edward lol

Good cop: frisks you
Bad cop: takes his time

I love salad! Just wish it had the taste & texture of pizza.

SOCIALIZING IS EASY FOR ME BECAUSE I AM NEVER TEMPTED TO FEAST ON MY HUMAN FRIENDS

Oh hi lol

I changed the pictures in the bathroom a year ago, my toddler just realized, your understanding is appreciated as she goes through this hard time

Jack just tried to run down the bus, but sadly the bus was faster.

Me: Well, basically it sounds like when you’re crouching in an abandoned building on a remote planet in the future and a Cylon is scanning for your presence to destroy you.

Dishwasher Repair Man: That will be $200.

Me: Would you have a minute to speak about my lord and savior, nachos supreme?
Her: Sir, for the last time just tell me your order.

*works out for 75 mins

*eats an entire batch of cookie dough

so yesterday i gave my number to a cute guy in the dining hall… LMFAOOO

What my husband said: How about you run to Target for cleaning supplies and I’ll hang with the kids

What I heard: How about you run to Target alone so you have the freedom to spend this months mortgage payment on unnecessary home decor and a 2020 calendar that you’ll never use

I want a polka band at my funeral. I’m the one who’s dead, let ’em suffer.

[Bath & Body Works]

Me: I need a bottle of body lotion for my wife.
Clerk: These are Buy 3 Get 1 Free.
Me: I just need this one here.
Clerk: That’s not Buy 3 Get 1 but it IS Buy 1 Get 2 and if you buy this it’s Buy 2 Get 3 Free.
Me [leaving with 300 bottles]: how did this happen

Son: dad how do they fit people into those little urns when they die?

Dad: well have you seen honey i shrunk the kids ?

Son: yes

Dad: great movie but it’s not like that they use a big fire

I’m wearing the tie I got married in more than 20 years ago and I don’t want to brag but… it still fits.

My wife had a tick on her. It wasn’t attached though. The whole thing was very zen

no, no… I don’t want to be a burden

– me being a total burden