I told a server I’m going to New York this weekend, so when I left he said “have a good time in New York!” and I said “you too!” so long story short, he’s coming to New York with me.
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[looking at our kids baby photos]
me: ugh, this one came out real bad
wife: oh yeh, just get rid of it
me: ok. *shouting* TIMMY! PACK YOUR BAGS
My wife: “I’ll be ready in a second. I just have to get the kids dressed.”
Me: “OK.”
*takes a nap*
*reads four books*
*builds a pyramid*
yeah i have a drinking problem. it’s called dehydration
Kids today will never know the joy of being selected to go outside to dust the erasers.
“Got any drugs or alcohol on you?”
“yup, I’m all set. Thanks Officer”
My dog went to his room but left a decoy and I legit thought he was still sitting next to me for like two hours
i love contactless delivery they just throw the slop at your door and i run out like a little pig
Girl, are you Chernobyl? Because you warm me to the core and leave me glowing. Also I think you’ve killed some people.
Which is heavier, the collected works of Shakespeare or a prison full of inmates? The prose outweighs the cons.
cab driver: how was your meal?
wife: it didn’t go down as well as we’d hoped
cab driver: that’s too bad
me: *still choking on a fish bone* why is no one helping me?
So I’m at the level in marriage where your spouse tries to kill you with a heart attack by yelling “kaboom” in the middle of the night while dreaming.
A Slinky is a great way to teach young children that it’s fun to push things down the stairs.
No one wants to feel like an obligation. Either commit to them or leave.
Me, day twenty of law school:
Your diligence, the prosecution rests.
Judge: Counselor, for the third time…you are the defense.
Me: Shit! Can I go again?
A “cup of Joe” has a completely different meaning at the sperm bank
CREEPY TWINS FROM THE SHINING: Come play with us. Forever.
ME: *voice fading as I run down the hall: I have commitment issuuuuuuuues…
My kids bought a huge bag of flour, yet I don’t see any baking going on…are they waiting for me? They’re waiting for me, aren’t they?
Bartender: What’ll It be?
Stephen King: A novel at first, then a tv miniseries, then a movie.
Just a reminder that when Shakespeare was quarantined because of the plague, he wrote King Lear.
*my wife opens my sock drawer & sees that it’s filled with bite sized candy bars. she looks over at me*
did you go trick or treating again last night?
4 out of 5 dentists agree u should not be going to 5 diferent dentists. it is important to have one dentist who knows ur dental history
When someone asks you “what is it that you like about me?”
“You’re gluten-free” isn’t the answer they want to hear.
“I can’t eat all of that!”
… and other lies I tell
WIFE: Do you think men and women are just hardwired differently?
ME [drinking a bottle of shampoo]: *bubble noises*
I’m a lady on the streets but a silly fake ghost in the sheets
I’m so old, I remember when a hashtag was called a pound sign.
And before that, we used to play Tic-Tac-Toe on that shit.
1 in 5 mammals is a bat. Re-examine everything you think you know about your “loved ones.”
Marriage: an institution where having to slightly adjust your mirrors every time you get in your car puts you in a homicidal rage.
Sometimes to take a break from frightening election news, I watch something far less horrifying like ‘The Shining’ or ‘Silence of the Lambs’
Just googled “unsolved murders in my area” because I have some extra time and someone has to solve these cases.