Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

*kidnapping Beyoncé* got your Knowles

Her: Hi! How’ve you been?
Me: Great! You?
Her: So good! Family?
Me: Great! Yours?
Her: Good!
Me: Let’s catch up soon.
Her: Definitely! Call me.

Husband: Who was that?
Me: I have no idea.

wife: didn’t i tell you?
me: yes, you did
wife: you didn’t listen
me: no, I did not
wife: what did i say?
me: you heard turtles in the walls
wife: what did you say?
me: i said you were crazy
wife: what will you do now?
me: i’ll call the turtle guy
wife: you’ll call the turtle guy

International Dairy Council: Nobody saw this coming. We don’t know if our markets can recover from this but the only thing we can do now is pray.

[meanwhile, at Olive Garden]

Server: Sir, please

Me: I didn’t say when yet

Being a mother is really quite rewarding.
At tax time.

Birdwatcher? I’m more of a bird ogler. A pair of nesting cardinals filed a restraining order against me in ‘07.

I’m not going to make my daughter choose a religion, I’ll explain the differences & when the time comes she can choose either Marvel or DC.

Sorry I’m late, I’ve been taking an elastic band out of my hair for the last three days.

Qualifications for a job with the Kenyan government.

1. You must be old. Really old…like above 75 years old.

2.The older you’re, the higher your chances.

3. Death is an added advantage.

I think a better question is- Where’s Waldo’s parents?? That dude is constantly getting lost in large crowds…

MAGICIAN: Is this your card?
ME: Oh my gosh yes!
MAGICIAN: It’s been declined. Do you have another way to pay the deposit for your kid’s party?

Grandpa: Music today is terrible

Me: Here, try this *hands him iPod*

Grandpa: Fine *slides iPod into tape deck*

Yes opposites attract, my husband dunks basketballs and I dunk donuts.

To the person that stole my glasses.

I will find you, I have contacts.

No you shut up 😂🥳

Stop hoisting all your food into the trees. Now the bears have to settle for the second most delicious thing at your campsite.

I like my women like I like my coffee. I look at coffee but I am afraid to talk to it

When you’re married, you’re part of a team, there’s checks and balances, two brains are better than one, you guys can bounce ideas off each other.
But being single means never having to explain what you spent $8,345.65 on or why there’s a baby kangaroo living in your house

“Dad, are we pyromaniacs?”
” Yes, we arson.”

DOROTHY: What do these shoes do?
GLINDA: Send you home
D: Lame [tries new pair] And these?
G: Wait-
D: [clicks heels]
[turns into hamburger]

Don’t be that guy that tells people not to be “that guy.”

A chicken pie in Jamaica costs £2.00
A chicken pie in Trinidad costs £2.40
A chicken pie in St Kitts costs £2.15

These are the pie rates of the Caribbean

This Tweet from @gnuman1979 has been withheld in response to a report from the copyright holder. Learn more.

Oh no, my favorite furniture store is going out of business again still.

I talk a lot of smack for someone who believes the plane will tip over if you stand up midflight.

•stay calm
•don’t run away
•don’t turn your back
•don’t make loud noises

-how to handle a mountain lion encounter and also how to react when your teenager, unprompted, sits down and talks to you

(Auditioning to be a bird)

*accidentally walks into a sliding glass door*

DIRECTOR: Wow, she’s really good.

I’m not scared of clowns, I’m scared of the man who chooses to become one.

Just walked up at the movies and the box-office lady looks at me and goes “lemme guess, one for Furiosa?” like wtf, come on bro. Also yes, one for Furiosa.

The glove snap before the prostate exam isn’t necessary. We just do that to mess with you.