Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

my mom: you still coming over today?

me: definitely

mom: great I have a few things from IKEA for you to put tog—

me: i cant make it

guy who only knew jesus professionally: Honey, did you hear they CRUCIFIED our CARPENTER???

Army recruiter: “Do you have what it takes to destroy the enemies of our nation?”

Me: *Using recruiter’s mug to peacefully relocate a spider

“Oh absolutely, I’m a killing machine.”

Last night I head banged, lip synced, air guitared and air keyboarded “The Final Countdown” while my teen daughter looked on in horror.

He’s all “I’m totally a normal guy”
But then “I eat raw radishes all the time”
Make up your mind dude.

Have a headache? Eating a carrot can help if you take a Advil after it

The day started well when I picked up my car keys to turn on the television.

Folks have it easy today. If they need to see how to spell a word, they can Google it.

I had to use a dictionary. And not knowing how to spell the word was no help. I spent an hour in the T’s trying to find “pterodactyl” with no success.

Tom Cruise turns 60 Sunday. The reason he looks so young is because he donated half his age to Scientology.

Hi, I’m Brandon and I’ll be your hater this evening. Our specials tonight are “ur mom”, “lol own3d”, and “u mad bro lol u mad?!??!”

me: how much gas do i have?
car: empty.
me: ok but HOW empty?

Raising my baby pterodactyl has been a nightmare. “Don’t forget to pee in the toilet,” I’d say. “Do what in the toilet?” he’d respond.

Hi everyone! Welcome to AA. This is a “judgment free” zone…unless we’re talking about Janice who ate all the cookies last week.

Dad, did you let the parrot name me?

– Haha, no that’s ridiculous, Brock.

[first date]

Her: Are you wearing a wire?

Me: *realizing I forgot to take the hanger out of my shirt before putting it on*

Who called it a French guy that has a cat rather than Jean clawed?

When I was a kid I would say I’m whatever age and a half because I wanted to be older.

Now I say I turned 40 a few years ago.

“Apparently she had slaved over her homemade stuffing. At some point during the meal, her brother-in-law announced, ‘I prefer Stove Top,’ and it was then, from what we understand, that the woman snapped.”
-11pm news, tomorrow night

If dogs can eat raw chicken, so can I.

– dead people

She said she loved my personality, but I was drunk and can’t remember which one I was rocking.

ME: (dead silent)

ALEXA: I can hear your heartbeat.

“How does Dracula get his hair so perfect without a mirror? Oh questions about the job? No I’m good.”

[waiter brings plate of seaweed wrapped sushi]
ME-what do I do with this?
W-eat it lol
M-all of it?
W-yes
M-alright..[nervously bites plate]

If you don’t want your kids to leave the bathroom light on all the time don’t ask them to wash their hands so much duh.

Relationship status: I’m about to go put on my camouflage pants so my family can’t find me on the couch.

Nazi is a bit harsh…I’m more of a grammar Spanish Inquisition

Sometimes you’re amazed at how smart your 3 year old is, and sometimes you tell her that her shoes are on the wrong feet and she takes them off and gives them to her brother to put on.

There aren’t as many hot pies cooling on the windowsills as the cartoons had me believe as a kid.

If you love someone don’t do anything. Just wait, see what happens. Maybe it will go away