I told a server I’m going to New York this weekend, so when I left he said “have a good time in New York!” and I said “you too!” so long story short, he’s coming to New York with me.
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Maybe she was born with it, maybe she was forged in the fires of Mount Doom.
That awkward moment when you realize your wife’s funeral is turning into a sausage-fest.
The strongest cat exists. Somewhere a cat is walking around, completely oblivious that it is stronger than all the other cats.
If you succeed at failing, do you fail or succeed?
Patient: Doc, my stomach is killing me.
DR DOG: *scratches chin* Have you tried eating grass?
I started an argument in a Yahoo! chat room back in 1999 that is still going on.
i was going to warn my kids about the repercussions of drugs and alcohol until i realized that they in fact were the repercussions of drugs and alcohol
Wait for it! 🤣👏😝
I will be celebrating Columbus Day by setting sail for India, landing in Spain, and telling everyone who lives there to move out.
adulthood is definitely the worst hood I have ever been to
anime is so crazy think about shooting your shot with a cute girl you meet in a coffee shop and she turns out to be a corpse devouring ghoul 5 seconds later.
Can’t believe my ‘Eat everything you want and hope for a miracle” diet is not working!
それは草
Him: Where’d you get that black eye?
Me: My girlfriend gave it to me.
Him: I thought your girlfriend was out of town.
Me: I did too…
it took three months to convince my barber to perform a root canal
Yes Karen, I’m aware that it’s November 7th. The demons in the yard are not decorations, I’m just taking them out for some fresh air
You play the victim so well you probably have chalk in your pocket to outline your body
Well well well, if isn’t the girl who gave me cooties in third grade…
Have you tried locking him in your trunk?
Stop tweeting about what real women are and are not. You’re going to blow my secret that I’m a lizard creature zipped into a woman suit
You’d think my hair would be a little more cooperative considering how many times I blow it per week.
I think at this point, a pterodactyl egg has better odds of getting laid than I do.
Help me Obi Won Bacardi, I’m sobering up.
You totally had me at “I want you” and I was so excited, I completely missed the ” To leave me alone” part….Sorry my bad.
Me: Now that I’m an adult, I can eat whatever I want.
Metabolism:
“I heard the Delta and Omicron variants have reportedly fused together producing Deltacron!”
“Ugh, even COVID variants are having sex and I am not.”
The downside of DVR is getting freaked out by tornado warnings from four days ago
lost dog
I had abstinence-only sex education when I was in high school.
It was called Dungeons and Dragons.